MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2012
PAGE 6
opinion
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I struggled to get my daily serving of vegetables until I started mixing my V8 with vodka.
Hey Positive Polly, not everything is perfect and positive! Signed Real World Randy.
The first five days after the weekend are the roughest.
Did she just...yeah. She just took the bus from McCollum to Mrs. E's.
n anything bad ever happens... Just remember YOLO.
The bus is not the place to make all of your phone calls.
Women are going out of there way to compliment me... Am I on the "Truman Show?" I see the cameras in the parking
Saw a guy peeing in the bushes. Ten steps away from a door with a bathroom. Has America gotten that tazy?
Everyone on SafeRide is passed out except for me.
Aright, ladies. At least one of you is a single, sober, non-smoking, poke-fanatic who is cute and likes to cuddle. Please come find me, stat.
I shouldn't have to repeat this, but at the game you stand forward and sit back. Come on people!
Baby Jay in Army Uniform is pretty cool!
Thanks for scaring off handsy creepers with your zazer last night #myroomatesbetterthanyours
How you can dress like a millionaire
For as many times as the band plays it, isn't it about time we memorized "Living On a Prayer?" Seriously people, get it together.
This isn't the walk of shame, I'm walking to the early football game... Wait, same thing.
So, you're a capitalist fat cat looking to update your wardrobe (or maybe you're a broke college student trying to look like a capitalist fat cat). You've come to the right guy. If you're worth a million bucks, you deserve to look like it, and here's a few wardrobe boosters that can help you do just that.
A PAIR OF CUFF LINKS
Essential tackle for the multi-
millionaire about-town, these are
like TV sets, deep dish pizzas,
and the Kansan's Free For All section:
the bigger, the better. As a general
rule, if you can lift your arms
effortlessly, either your cuff links
are too small, or you've done too
 much manual labor to really be in
 the one percent (typically, upper
If you're a driver, you hate pedestrians. If you're a pedestrian, then you hate drivers. But no matter what, you hate bikers.
crust folks have an army of muscular serfs to do household chores and lift their jewelry for them). Your cuff links don't even have to look like anything, just so long as you have a wad of the gold size of a small lemur dangling from your sleeve (although, if you insist on shaped cufflinks, dollar signs are always in good taste).
A BOW TIE
I wish life had a Ctrl+F button
But not a clip-on. This is important, because any blue-collar, minimum-wage yahoo can figure out how to put on a clip-on. You don't want to be a yahoo, do you? Tying a bow tie is like paying income tax; it's intimidating and most people never figure out how to do it, preferring to pay someone who's been studying
A CRAVAT
up on it his whole life to do it for them. I admit, that analogy fell apart a bit, mostly because you one-percenters don't know what income taxes are. If you can't tie one yourself (which, let's face it, you probably can't), feel free to hire a bowtie specialist; there no shame in it, and, with so many tie-tiers out on the streets today, you can get an easy hit of that warm, fuzzy "I-just-created-a-job"
A LIVE BALD EAGLE
try like you don't follow the trends—they set them!
These are a bit hard to come by these days, but the effect is amazing, because over half of Americans have never heard the term "cravat" before, and the fashionably minded few who know the word confuse cravats with ascot most of the time. Because most people don't have any experience with the cravat, it will lend a certain mystique to your appearance, and you can expect to hear many compliments on your "mystery scarf" as you pass your cuff-link-lifting men in the hall.
feeling.
If you can't decide between a cravat and a bow tie, you can always wear both at the same time. Remember, titans of indus-
Win or lose, we still booze.
I declare the "Gangnam Style" song to be played on campus during the 10 minutes between classes.
Yes, I know there are laws against keeping these in captivity. It doesn't matter. You're a savage, cuttwhole robber baron, and you shouldn't let the law slow you down. Having one of these on your shoulder at all times is a good idea, as it looks patriotic and will help you curry the little people's favor. Just make sure it's housebroken, unless you're keen on getting eagle droppings all over your new cavat.
May is a sophomore majoring in German and journalism from Derby.
"What a bunch of nerdy dweebs," said the guy on the quidditch team.
College students need to have a political opinion
I want KU to play the Chiefs so at least one of my teams will win.
It's difficult to read culture. It's nearly impossible to read when one knows very little about culture.
The dulling of American's ability to ready cultural signposts have been on the decline for sometime, making the great anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss' discovery that the main function for the first ancient writing was to facilitate the enslavement of humans symbolic
One important aspect of American culture is its political apparatus, a democratic republic based on the idea of a mutual compact between the people and elected officials, via John Locke.
We are less than two months away from the presidential election. This should be a time when American political pageantry is fully display in all its glory. Instead, we have millionaire politicians attacking one another, advocating for two vastly dif-ferent Americas, and asking for money from you and me—college students thinking of creative ways to enjoy Ramen Noodles for the third straight night.
Understanding this election cycle gets even trickier.
Despite an unremitting unemployment rate, President Obama enjoys an ever-expanding lead over Mitt Romney. No president since FDR has won re-election with an unemployment rate over 7.2 percent. Current unemployment rate is at 8.1 percent. (This
rate is cut in half for college graduates and nearly double for African-Americans.)
Even worse for Romney, according to a recent New York Times' poll, more Americans think Obama "would do a better job handling" foreign policy, Medicare, health care, taxes, the economy and unemployment.
economy and accomplishment.
This lead marks quite an accomplishment or disappointment, depending on how one looks at it. It's amazing that Obama is accumulating a lead in such a poor economy, and it's sad that Republicans cannot field a better candidate than Romney—someone who is incapable of getting out of his own way.
But wait, there's more.
As Obama's begins to pull away, right on cue, an anti-islam video released last week triggered anti-American violence throughout the Muslim world, resulting in the death of four Americans in Libya. Romney wasted no time in questioning Obama's leadership, accusing the President of sympathizing with the attackers and
naivetee on matters concerning the Middle East.
What does all this mean; millionaires asking regular, middle-class people for money, voters trying to decide between two very subpar presidential candidates, and protesters taking extreme measure to express their hatred for American?
Where you fall on the political spectrum isn't the point. The point is whether you have a cohesive thought on the matter that you can share with your friend while waiting for class.
If not, we have a problem. That's exactly how political oppressors want the politically oppressed to behave. It's hard work to physically coerce an entire population. It's easier and more efficient to just distract the populous.
So if you don't have an explanation for these political developments, what's your distraction? Is it more important than your freedom?
Here's one solid way to prevent this from happening: take a Western Civilization class.
It's unfortunate we are now students of an institution that values turning out doocle workers rather than enlightened citizens.
Scott is a graduate student majoring in American studies from Overland Park. Follow him on Twitter @dscot12
NATIONAL
CAMPUS CHIRPS BACK
United States: a united country?
The United States of America: The name roles on the tongue so nicely. If we dissect it just a little bit, the parts make some sense. "America" is geographical. We live on the continent of North America. "States" refers to the 50 units that make up the U.S. "United" makes things just a little bit tricky. Yes, all of the states are combined, or united, to form one country. But are we really united?
Before I get too far into this, let me first take you back 11 years. It's Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2001. I was in third grade. Like every other day, I woke up at seven in the morning and got ready for school. My mom drove my siblings and me to the school where we attended and she worked. As we unloaded from the vehicle, I can remember my mom locking the doors to the minivan for the first time. She was scared. In many ways, we all were.
When the weekend arrived, I saw the full page ad the Topeka Capital Journal had printed. I watched as my mom, like our neighbors, put a flag in our window.
As sad and confusing as those few days after Sept. 11 were, there was something that came out of it that I couldn't have predicted.
Suddenly everyone was in this together. Everyone wanted to be a part of this bigger thing and support each other in light of such a tragedy. Together we found strength to cry, to be proud and to help our neighbors. It didn't matter if your neighbor voted blue or red. Nobody cared about your party affiliation. You were simply American.
(Disclaimer: I understand that my experience isn't true for all Americans and that many were unfairly left out. I apologize.)
As the general election creeps closer I notice more and more political mumbo-jumbo invading conversations. "Who are you going to vote for?" "What do you think about this?" It's important, don't get me wrong, but there's an underlying thought here and it's this: As Americans, we need to come together determined to fix the problems we face on an everyday level.
A few weeks ago, I, like many other Americans, watched the Republican and Democratic Conventions. I listened as one side tried to demonize the other in various speeches by politicians and celebrities alike. Each side claims that America should elect its party and that the other side doesn't share America's values, or simply that the other side is un-American.
Somewhere in the 11 years since 9/11 we've forgotten what it means to love and care for each other. We've always been a loud and proud group of people. We cause a ruckus. We throw tea
into the harbor. We fight for our rights and break the law when we don't understand them. We defend our land and our beliefs. We don't back down. And that's always who we've been.
United? I'm not sure we are just yet. However I know that we Americans make this country great. Let us come together and work together, the way we've always gotten things done.
There's still evidence from the days after Sept. 11 all around us. I lock my door in my driveway. I avoid crowded spaces. I get to the airport hours in advance to get through security. And I always tear up when I hear the national anthem.
Hawkins is a junior majoring in journalism from Scranton.
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