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But anybody can make such grandiose claims. Only Broadband Man knows who Broadband Man is:
There's been a lot of Broadband Man interest on campus, especially in the Free For All. Some people even said they voted for you in the presidential elections.
Oh good.I hope they did.
If you voted, who did you vote for?
Oh yes, I voted. I voted for myself. I wrote in Broadband Man.
Do you think you could handle that job?
Definitely. You've seen how I deal with the bad guys. I lay it down. I'm fast. I can be everywhere at once.
So, what do you do in your spare time?
What is spare time, honestly? Saving the public from slow Internet is a tough business. If I'm not doing that, I'm usually out shaking hands, kissing babies, you know. Or else I'll surf the Net, watch some TV, talk on the phone and just enjoy my broadband service.
I heard some people saw you downtown on Halloween.
Yeah, I was out on the town for the holi-
day. it's the one chance in the year I can blend in.
So tell me the story about that flashy superhero costume.
A superhero comes to his costume. When they come together you know it's right. All superheroes have a special superhero tailor who custom fits you. I can't tell you who, I could get kicked out of the union just for telling you that much.
What do you wear when you relax at home and take your costume off?
PJs and bunny slippers. Oh, I don't know. I'm not out of my costume much. My work is never done.
Can I take a peek under the mask?
No, it's glued to my face.
What's with all the secrecy? Who are you?
Broadband Man is Broadband Man. It's not uncommon for a superhero not to reveal their identity. We couldn't do our job as effectively if the villains knew who we were. This way it keeps everyone on their toes and always guessing. You don't know which way I'm coming from.
Does anything get you down or bother you?
Being mistaken for Superman. That's rough. We're two different guys, come on!
The life of a superhero isn't all fame and accolades. Broadband Man talks about the trials of superhero life over a cup of coffee.
"Sometimes you have to adjust them," he says, referring to his rippling man breasts tucked underneath his stretched, blue velour superhero costume.
Do you have any weaknesses,
Achilles' heels or fears? Not to compare,
but Superman had kryptonite.
Weaknesses? What weaknesses? Well I can tell you that I don't fear slow Internet or poor phone service. I do fear people succumbing to the evil influences of my archenemies (referring to Satellite Man, Big Phone Man and Dial-Up Guy).
Tell me about some close calls with your enemies. Who's the toughest?
That roof-top battle with Satellite Man was quite the fight. Whoo! I had to rest for a few days after. He was pretty tough. It was a four-hour battle. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I was just faster and better than him.
All three of my arch-villains have their strengths and weaknesses. I just have to know how to fight each one. I have three enemies that I know of right now. There might be more out there.
How did you come to your calling as a superhero?
I always knew I had superpowers. Any superhero will tell you the same thing. Nothing specific calis us. You just know you have to do it. It's part of who you are. You don't ask a dog. "Hey, why are you a dog?" So you can't really ask a superhero why they are a superhero. You just are.
Well when did you start your work in the community as a superhero?
I've been working since 1995. That's when the broadband network started needing me. I had been working stealth and behind the scenes. I was always there when people needed me, but they didn't always know it was me. I decided to be public with subscribers about a year ago.
What did your mom say when you told her you were a superhero?
She said, "I always knew you would be." She just giggled and was tickled by it. I look up to my mom. She's always there
Walking down Massachussetts Street, Broadband Man is unfazed by the screaming groupies and honking horns as he passes by. Lawrence residents spot him in every corner of town. "He gets around at the speed of Broadband," Emily Mulligan says. "He's very athletic."
for me. She always took care of me. That ethic was there for me to carry on. I want to take care of people. I am here for the people.
How's the dating scene in Lawrence treating a superhero? Any special ladies in your life?
Nope. Nobody special right now. I'm really busy. I couldn't devote the time. The public is my significant other.
What qualities does a superhero like yourself look for in a girlfriend?
Um, I don't know that we should go there. Every superhero has a private side of life that remains private.
Well, do you have time for friends?
Well, the superhero life can be a little lonely sometimes. I'm always working there is no time to stay in one spot a whole lot.
(turns to Mulligan, his boss who is in the room, and says) Hey, I can't make that thing. Sorry, yeah, I have class.
Wait, so you're a student?
No.
But you said you had class.
No...
Oh it must be superhero class then?
... (empty stare).
You know, there are a lot of people on campus, including callers to the Free For All, who say they know you. What do you say to them?
They definitely must be mistaken, I'd stick out in class.
Yeah, that would make it too hard to keep your identity secret, huh?
Exactly.
Exactly.
The superhero job seems tough. What keeps you going?
The smiles. The happy people. I get people who wave, honk, shout their support. Often, they see me and scream, "Hey! It's Broadband Man!" And then they just stare.
12.2.04 Jayplay
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