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Amanda Meglemre, Overland Park senior, agrees. As a freshman, Meglemre was involved with a campus ministry that encouraged courting. She and her boyfriend — who was also involved with the group — weren't in a courtship. Meglemre says the leaders within the group counselled both of them separately about how they should not be dating, but should instead be saving their hearts for Jesus. "I didn't agree. I kind of believe you have to date people to know what's right for you. You have to try on different personalities and see what fits. I think you
interact with people differently when you are dating them and its important to see that interaction, "Meglemre says."
Later that year, Meglemre and her boyfriend broke up, but by that time they weren't involved with the campus ministry anymore. She says the group's pressure did put a strain on their relationship by making she and her boyfriend question why they were together because
A sexual critique
breakup. She says her and her boyfriend just wanted different things." (The group) meant well. They wanted everyone to grow in their faith. It just wasn't for me."
marriage did not seem likely. But marriage didn't blame the group for the
Abby and Tim pose for their engagement photos in fall 2002 at Potter's lake. The couple got engaged years after the courtship began.
Others have a different concern about courtship. Dennis Detweiler, Lawrence sex therapist, says couples who are deeply in love, but not familiar with each other sexually, may have some disappointment in store. People who love each other are not always sexually compatible, Detweiler says. Detweiler explains that couples can have different ideas about what's right and wrong in sex, different levels of desire and
different interest levels.
Moreover, he says the notion of keeping one self pure before marriage may instill sex-negative messages in people. Those messages don't automatically go away after marriage.
Detwiler says it's good courting couples are concerned with emotional intimacy first. He said he would never advocate couples go against their morals, but they must be realistic about their first sex.
ual contact. "I think it's a myth that waiting until the night of the honeyman is going
to be special. It's a set up for failure." Deteweller says. He says that the anticipation going into sex, something that the couple has never done before, breeds inaccurate expectations and often, disappointment. Deteweller says the ideal is for
couples to explore both emotional and sexual intimacy before marriage — though that doesn't have to mean intercourse. "They don't have to touch, suck and lick each other, but they need to talk about their sexuality," he says.
The Kleiers don't entirely agree. "Sex is
says that the solution for them was the strength of their friendship — and a lot of practice.
a big jump, no matter where you come from in the relationship," Tim says. The Kleiers are glad to have abstained from a physical relationship until marriage, though they say kissing after their engagement made it increasingly difficult. And both say they think if they had kissed early in their relationship that it would have complicated the relationship and they wouldn't still be together.
wouldn't laugh.
But Abby and Tim admit the transition to lovers was harder than the couple had anticipated. "We were so naive. We thought it would be so easy. And it was not easy at all." Both Tim and Abby say that they each had different, wrong ideas about what sex would be like and what it would bring to their relationship. Abby
DETWEILER SAYS THAT THE IDEAL IS FOR COUPLES TO EXPLORE BOTH EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL INTIMACY BEFORE MARRIAGE —THOUGH THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN INTERCOURSE, "THEY DON'T HAVE TO TOUCH," SUCK AND LICK EACH OTHER, BUT THE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THEIR SEXUALITY, HE SAYS.
And though Tim says the anticipation of sex didn't factor into he and Abby's decision to marry, he does say he thinks that
couples who are saving sex for marriage tend to be more excited about committing their lives to each other than couples who have already had sex. He does not think this desire necessarily makes couples rush into marriage, but it is possible. The Kleiers say they were excited to have a sexual
relationship, but that was not why they married. "We were simply not going to have sex until we were married, whenever that day came," Tim says. He says the couple determined the right time through their relationship with God.
By no means are Christians overwhelmingly turning to courtship as their primary way to treat romantic relationships, and even those who court don't think it is a perfect method. But those who believe in it agree courtship is a healthy alternative to a lot of heartbreak. "We didn't do everything right," Tim says. "But we were guided to and stumbled upon some good principles."