the feelings kept getting stronger.
Abby, on the other hand, couldn't have been more oblivious to Tim's affection for her. She enjoyed his company, but thought nothing of it. In fact, when Tim finally asked to spend time with her, at first she thought he had a problem he wanted to discuss because she was frequently sought out for advice. Abby did feel a connection to Tim, though. And when Tim finally couldn't suppress his feelings any longer, Abby realized she reciprocated.
Tim and Abby didn't want to "date." Both were jaded by the concept of dating and hesitated to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. "We didn't know what to call it. We liked each other and left it at that," Abby says. Christians didn't discuss the concept of courting much when Tim and Abby began their relationship, but the couple thinks the word best describes the way they approached it.
Courting defined
While every courting relationship is different and there is no single definition, the courtship approach has several principles. First, courters are usually deeply Christian, and their relationship is driven by a desire to follow God's guidance. Second, courtship is marked by the absence of sexual contact. Abby and Tim chose not to kiss until their engagement. Some courtskiss much earlier, and some wait until they are married. The principle is the relationship should be seeking to develop a deep friendship before anything physical happens. Third, courting couples seek advice from people they respect in their church and often involve their parents in their decision-making.
courting is to make a decision about whether the couple will marry. Courtship is not casual, and not about getting to know someone for fun. In fact, most people who court do not date at all. They wait to court.
The thing that truly distinguishes courtship from dating is the deliberation that goes into it. Asking a woman if she will enter into a courtship is much more serious than asking for a date. And before a man asks a woman to court, he thinks, prays and seeks advice about the potential relationship. Courtship centers around the prospect of marriage. The purpose of
There aren't national statistics on how many couples are courting, but Christians point to the emergence of the book, / Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris, as sparking the rise in the number of courting couples. Published in 1997, Harris's book extols the benefits of stopping "dating" as it is generally understood. Harris suggests being purposefully single to focus on God and to wait until the right time to begin a relationship and then to center that relationship in God. Harris's second book, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, outlines the principles of courtship.
Why people court
Jenny Morris, 2004 University of Kansas graduate, is currently in a courtship. Morris has dated the typical way before, but found the experience hurtful. She says dating people for fun doesn't turn out to be fun because feelings always get involved." Dating left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't just want my heart out there just to put it out there." Morris says courting gives couples the ability to grow together and be more guarded than an unguided relationship. And because her relationship with God is important to her, courtship allows faith to be the focal point of the romantic relationship.
As the Baptist campus minister, Rick Clock has worked with numerous couples, including the Kleiers. Few people he works with use the courtship approach, but Clock agrees with the ideals of courtship. "It seems to be people saying, 'I think there's a better way to do this dating game,'" Clock says. He says courtship allows couples to take the relationship seriously, consult others for guidance and prevent the physicality from running the relationship. His only misgiving with courtship is that
(left) Tim and Abby embrace playfully in a pool this summer. The Kleiers were spending time with family at a Fourth of July party.
(far left) The Kleiers relax on their honeymoon in Cancun, Mexico in June 2003.
because there is no dating, young people could be missing out on great potential mates by not going out with anyone just for fun.
Contributed photos from Tim and Abbey Kleier
For the most part, courtship is a healthy approach to finding a mate, as long as both people in the relationship share the same values, says Barrie Arachtingi, executive director of Christian Psychological Services, 500 Rockledge Road. Her concern is that young people could feel pressured by their church or peers to do a courtship when they would rather take a more relaxed approach. Arachtingi suggests that people who intend to court get to know a variety of people before they start a courtship.
The success of the courtship approach is difficult to measure. Clock says he thinks couples who court have a high probability of a strong marriage. Arachtingi says she can't speculate because each relationship is different. But she does say that both the Christian and non-Christian couples she counsels seem to have the same problems, such as communication and power issues.
Not all Christians are fans of courting. Many in the courtship movement focus on rational decision-making to the point that they disregard love, says Kathleen van Schaijk, editor of The University Con-
A differing view
The front of Tim and Abby's wedding invitation shows the roots of their relationship — a deep friendship. The couple married June 28, 2003.
course, a journal of opinion at Franciscan University, a Catholic university in Steubenville, Ohio. Van Schaijik says she is afraid young people who take courtship too seriously will marry without love, thinking that all that really matters is compatibility. "[Love] is not something we control the way we control, say, our career path," van Schaijik says.
Van Schaijik supports the idea of courtship, but not the idea that courtship is all about rationality. She says there are some in the courtship movement who take the idea of logically choosing the right person so seriously that they marry the wrong person — someone they respect, but are not in love with. And she says she's not just speculating, she's seen it happen to friends.
Van Schaijik says there is much to criticize about today's dating world, but that it remains the normal way people meet each other.
"We should be teaching them how to do it well — with a sense of purpose and moral seriousness, with reverence, with dignity and integrity. We should not be saying they shouldn't date at all," she CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE
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