From the spic-and-span, community-style bathrooms at Abe & Jakes Landing to the tiny, dank pee rooms at The Replay Lounge, the places we go – to "go," seem to mirror the patrons that frequent them. We literally got down and dirty to find out what's going on behind the stained stall doors at your favorite downtown music venues. Along the way, people dished out bizarre tales from the land of tainted linoleum. Are guys' restrooms really ten times worse than the ladies? You bet.
Photos by Ginny Weatherman
Abe & Jakes Landing, 8 E. Sixth St.
We wind our way down the stairs of this giant venue to our first destination. The doors of the downstairs men's room open into a spacious, cream-colored lavatory. The floor is really sticky, but bartender Colin Elwell, explains it is the result of cleaning supplies. Plenty of clean urinals and stalls line the walls. Like Toni! Tony! Tonel!'s Feels Good, which booms out of the
speakers upstairs, this place is very clean and sterile. The women's room sports two large mirrors (hey, girls go to the bathroom to do more than just pee, you know) but otherwise is exactly the same as the men's.
The Bottleneck, 737 New Hampshire St.
Bartender Chris "Miller," smiles when we ask to hang out in the bathrooms, because the men's room has gained a reputation during the years. Miller says that the conditions of that bathrooms vary during different types of shows. The men's room might not be the prettiest but it sure has character. Posters of upcoming
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shows cover the walls. The two toilets are covered in stickers and missing their seats. There aren't any paper towels either, because younger kids at shows clog the toilets with paper towels and smash the toilet lids, Miller says. One of the urinals contains a cigarette butt and a handful of colored tacks – just in case. The women's room is much cleaner with cowgirl drawings adorning the four stalls. This room also houses our first taste of profound bathroom graffiti, including choice phrases on the walls and mirror such as, "I poopee here" and "Mandy is a scenester wannabe whore." Someone added underneath, "& U must B pretentious." Mandy?
Liberty Hall, 644 Massachusetts St.
Probably the classiest set of water closets in the lot, these bathrooms could be found in an upscale hotel. High ceilings and chandelier-style lighting highlight these mocha-colored rooms. "I wanted it clean enough, like at your home, that you could get down on your knees and puke."
doorman Sean Thomson says. It is.
The Jazzhaus, 926 ? Massachusetts St.
Jayplay 10.21.04
In the most creative design on the toilet crawl, creatures from the sea cover both the women's and men's blue bathroom walls. Green, purple, orange and red fish cover the walls, as do a shark and a purple octopus, who is holding a glass of wine, a beer, a cocktail and ... a joint? Doorman Travis Fry tells us his best story of rock st debauchery at the Jazzhaus: two guys from the band Gwar were in the men's room one night when they head butted each other while relieving themselves at the urinals. Not too bad, considering the endless possibilities of things that two guys from Gwar could do in the bathroom. We were impressed — both the men's and women's rooms passed the clean test.
The Replay Lounge, 946 Massachusetts St.
Water covers the vivid red men's room floor. But is it water? It looks like water — but it smells like piss. Yes, large puddles of an unnamed liquid reflect the light in the tiny room. The members of Kiss look down from a mural in shame. Silver spray paint defaces Brad Clark's pinball-inspired mural on the other wall. A human head with a bat's body and a
satanic symbol adorn the adjacent wall. We meet a heavily pierced and tattooed plumber known as "Catfish," who claims that the suspect toilet just needs an Oring and that he will fix it over the weekend. The mural walls of the ladies room are like the inside of a Charlie's Angels pinball machine defaced with drunken graffiti reminiscent of an Internet chat room ("unicorns are pretty kickass!" and so-and-so "rulz"). The best, though, is an irate rant letter addressed to all the "Lawrence bar sluts" — in all your drunken anger, random girl, we appreciate the kind reminder to use a condom. The ladies room is cleaner than the men's, but clean enough to sleep in? Bardenter Dana Wiseman says she thought so one night when she was loaded. She wandered into the ladies room, where she crafted a makeshift pillow out of an industrial-sized roll of toilet paper and passed out. That rulz.
The last stop on the tour, the Jackpot toilets might be too new to have history but already have more character than some other entries. Unless you're already hip on this scene, you won't be able to tell which is for the gals or the fel-
The Jackpot Saloon and Music Hall, 943 Massachusetts St.
las. The signs either fell off or were ripped off. The burnt-orange walls in the large bathrooms wait for the inherent taggings that The Replay, the sister bar across the street, has made famous. But even when you're the new bar on the block, it doesn't take long to get a story. Bartender Travis Pesnell says there have already been cases (yes, plural) of guys "number-twoing in the dudes' bathroom where there's no stall." And Nick Christus says one night, around 1:30 a.m., he walked into the men's room and three or four guys were standing around a large trashcan in the center of the room. Christus says he thought it was strange. The guys were just talking — but then one guy puked in the trashcan. It got stranger when the rest of the guys then continued to do the same while the others continued to talk. Congratulations, Jackpot — congratulations.
After spending all this time in bathrooms, we're, well pooped. After the Downtown Toilet Crawl 2004, we have learned some valuable things about the nature of the loo — men are usually the dirty ones who participate in bathroom depravity, and women are generally cleaner and less bizarre. But girls, watch out: women are more likely to be armed with a Sharpie and will write slanderous comments about you on the walls if you take too long to go. You can be a bathroom fairy tale, too: whether you're a lady or a gent, get out there and give yourself a reason to go down the drain in toilet bowl history.
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