"Let's just be friends."
You might call it the cliché breakup line, at least for those relationships that end with more of a whimper than a boom. Most of us have heard it or said it at one time or another, sometimes as truth, sometimes as a load of patronizing BS, but whether it is genuine sentiment or faker than a sorority girl's tan, it's the smiley face we use to mark out the failures in our love lives.
Granted, not all relationships end in such clean fashion. There's no shortage of jilted lovers wandering the world, and a fair amount of couples part ways with a "get the hell out" instead of a "let's be friends." But many relationships fail for more subtle reasons and consequently end on more amiable terms.
The passion fades; someone wants to explore; special friends mistake each other for That Special Someone, and a breakup ensues. In these cases, people look for a way to acknowledge the good in their former lovers, and expressing desire for a friendship is a way to do that, says Alison James, author of I Used to Miss Him, But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide. "It seems like such an easy thing to say," she adds, "so you won't hurt someone's feelings."
Motivations aside, whether these postbreakup friendships actually work is another issue altogether. James says
most don't work, at least not right away, and people need a cooling-off period after they go through a breakup. "You need to be a little bit selfish," she says. The friendship can wait "until both people have actually moved on."
The time it takes to move on obviously varies from couple to couple. Generally, the longer two people have been together, the longer it will take them to get used to just being friends, says Ashkan Karbassrooshan, advice columnist for Askmen.com. For example, in the case of a five-year relationship, it might take another four or five years for a former couple to be entirely comfortable with each other, he says. In contrast, if it's two people who fooled around for a few weeks after meeting in the keg line at a party, the transition might be a little easier.
Some people say having a history of being friends can also help couples make the transition. Kayt Schwarten, Overland Park senior, has tried friendship with an ex both ways – with a guy she didn't know before their relationship and with a guy she'd previously been good friends with. She quickly fell out of touch with the former, but her friendship with the latter, she says, is still going strong.
Other factors that come into play are the age and personalities of the people involved and the nature of their relationship. Couples who are driven by sex and
take little stock in conversation, for instance, might have a harder time switching gears to a friendship, says Lynn Harris, co-founder of love advice Web site Breakup-
girl.net. Harris also says younger couples put a higher priority on staying friends after a breakup. "When you get older, you get a little crankier and you develop an attitude of 'I have enough friends,'" she says.
In any case, Harris stresses the importance of giving the situation time and recognizing that any friendship with an ex-lover is going to feel weird for a while, if for no other reason than because it's a fundamental change in how two people interact.
"You don't hang out together and say, 'Wow, look at that beautiful sunset, buddy,'" she says. "It's not the same."
And even when the weirdness ceases on the surface, some conversation topics might still be off-limits. James says discussing your sex life with a now-friendly ex is a definite mistake because it's a surefire way to dredge up old feelings. "Just because you had a fabulous date a week ago doesn't mean this person needs to hear about it," James says.
As for that guilty pleasure of having sex with your ex, that's a negative too. We've
all been there after six or seven too many Jagerbombs, our resolution crumbling faster and faster as our blood alcohol level climbs higher and higher. But just say no to sex with a friendly ex. "If you're going to be friends, be friends," James says.
Harris recommends keeping the friendship light at first by hanging out together in small ways, as opposed to the larger, more open-ended activities you might have been used to as a couple. For example, going bowling would be a better choice than going to your parents' house for a holiday weekend. You get the drift.
For the post-breakup friendships that eventually work, rewarding experiences often follow. Kathy Truong, Lawrence senior, says her friendship with one of her exes has benefits that her other friendships don't share. "I dited him for three years," she says. "I can still talk to him about things going on in my life on the same level that I've always talked to him."
But Harris says couples who just can't make the switch shouldn't feel bad or guilty. She says too many people try to be friends after a relationship ends because they feel obligated. "Staying friends doesn't mean you're virtuous," she says. "And not staying friends doesn't mean you're bad."
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Wait a minute? So she really does want to crash on the couch with an open bag of pork rinds and a 12-pack of Natty Light and watch ESPN Classic until the sun comes up?
Ah, you poor, naïve, soon-to-be single fool.
When a girl says this, what she really means is "You better figure out what I want to do, or I won't be happy," says Shannon Galvin, Kansas City junior — i.e. "I want to do whatever you want to do, as long as it's what I want to do." So, for example, my Monday Night Football watching friend, if you want to switch the game over to the Oxygen double feature, then you're set—
otherwise, be on the lookout for these innocuous-sounding words because how you respond to them could be the difference between getting play and getting in an argument.
"I wanted to stay home and hang out," says Jeremy Vandervoort, Kansas City junior. His girlfriend said that was fine, but he knew the difference between fine and not fine. "I was like, 'I guess I better go out,'" he says. "Jee Rent."
Joe Bant
10.21.04 Jayplay
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