With freshmen coming in and seniors going out, long-distance relationships are just a part of life for college students.
While probably not what any of us envision as the ideal relationship, long-distance love has a way of catching up with us college students — like rashes or other things we try to avoid but inexplicably can't. I don't doubt that there are some out there who genuinely wish for a long-distance relationship, and I'm thinking of sadeyed men whose girlfriends carry them around like accessories in tote bags. But for the most part, couples want to be together. They want to go out to Free State for a beer on a Thursday night or cozy up on the couch for a movie. They don't want their contact to be limited to night-and-weekend minutes and once-a-month trips to see each other for a frantic few days.
Yet, long-distance relationships are as much a part of college as final exams. Greg Guildner, director of the Californiabased Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships, says that research shows more than a quarter of college students nationwide are in a long-distance relationship, and nearly 80 percent will be in one before they graduate.
Those figures might seem surprising against what many see as the instant-gratification mentality of college students-i.e. short attention spans, big hormones, etc.-but the transitional essence of college is
what makes those numbers possible. Francis DeSalvo, director of the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) program at the University of Kansas, describes two main types of college long-distance relationships: high school
month, and for lost, forlorn freshmen to start seeking out the counseling center.
Though these two different types of relationships have different problems, there are some general strategies that all long-distance couples can use to strengthen themselves. The biggest involves simple openness. "Keep it real," DeSalvo stresses. Many long-distance couples, he
The departing graduates model, in contrast, involves a couple that has weathered the college storm only to be pulled apart by career opportunities. The dream job waits in New York; the significant other is headed to Los Angeles. All of a sudden, it's decision time.
sweethearts and departing graduates. He says he sees students come in with problems stemming from these relationships.
For the high school sweethearts, issues include feelings of loneliness and missing out on college. DeSalvo says for this year, he expects the first wave of breakup-announcing "Dear John" letters to hit in about a
MORE THAN A QUARTER OF COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE IN A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP, AND NEARLY 80 PERCENT WILL BE IN ONE BEFORE THEY GRADUATE.
long distance explains, are afraid to fight because they think it's harder to reconcile, but fighting is an important part of moving relationships forward. DeSalvo says the counseling center tries to push students to ask themselves "what they want out of a relationship and if the current arrangement is meeting those
needs." In most cases, he says, it's the couples with the strongest pre-distance foundations that have the best chance of making the relationship work.
Of course, there are exceptions. Garnett senior Holly Benjamin and her boyfriend, 23-year-old Bill
Reeder have kept their relationship going for nearly four years despite the fact that they have lived in different towns for pretty much the entire time.
Benjamin says communication is what has allowed the relationship to survive. She and Reeder use every tool at their disposal — phone, IM and e-mail — to stay in
touch daily. The pair's unrelenting trust in each other also helps in an environment where it would be easy to succumb to suspicion and jealousy.
Nevertheless, Benjamin and Reeder will face perhaps their greatest test in a few weeks when Reeder, who serves in the National Guard, is slated to head to Iraq for a possible two-year deployment. Benjamin says she remembers when Reeder drove down to Lawrence to tell her that he'd been put on alert, and afterwards, she couldn't stop crying. Since then, they've had some time to get used to the idea, but of course it's going to be a long haul, Reeder says. "I hate to put her in a situation where she's waiting for me. But, she's more than happy to wait." Right now, the couple is approaching the matter with a stoic acceptance and confidence that things will work.
When long-distance relationships don't work, they fail for a variety of reasons - lack of trust, lack of communication - and sometimes lack of cash, as Leawood junior Rachel Cloud found out when she
attempted a relationship with someone who lived in Chile. Cloud was a high school exchange student in Chile for nine months, during which she began dating another student there. The two had all the desire in the world to keep their relationship going after she got back to the United States, but with college looming and expensive plane tickets their only option for seeing each other, they eventually decided to call it off.
Unfortunately, most college long-distance relationships go the way of Cloud's and don't work out, although relationship expert Gulder says they don't fail any more often than their conventional counterparts. Long-distance couples also don't cheat more than other couples, and they actually report greater sexual satisfaction. So, if you're in a long-distance relationship, don't despair. Gulder says it's important to think positive and stay connected to your partner's day-to-day life. Most of all, he says, people need to remember that "this is a viable way of having a relationship."
Ever wonder what not to do in a relationship?
A couple of things are given like lying or cheating, but what about snoping? Where is the line drawn? Brittany Murphy gives the perfect example of a new relationship destroyed by sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong: the
past. Her performance in "Little Black Book" is a must get see for couples who may have hidden secrets in their past. It shows what happens without trust and a little black book. It is playing at all movie theaters throughout the weekend at varying times.
If you're a guy, chances are you've heard this from a girl at one time or another, and if you're a girl, well, you've probably said it. Sometimes it means what it implies.
More often, it means, "I’m pissed,
and I want you to figure out why.
Essentially, it's an argument ender, but guys who take this to mean everything's cool do so at their peril. Topeka sophomore Natalie McAllister says when she utters the deceptive phrase, "it means I'm definitely not fine, and something needs to be done."
Luckily, her boyfriend, Topeka junior Justin Montgomery, is a receptive guy and recognizes the doghouse when he's in it. "I have to
try and investigate," he says. "First I turn the eye on me."
And usually, guys, it is us. Let's face it, if we're good at anything, it's pissing off our significant others - so be smart and realize she's not fine even when she says she is, and admit you're wrong even if maybe you're not.
mapes you to know
Oh - and when a guy says he's fine?
Montgomery shrugs as if the answer is obvious.
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"It means I'm fine."—Joe Bant
Jayplay 9.2.04