Monday, August 16, 1999
The University Daily Kansan
Section C · Page 23
Students find a love that doesn't date
By Katrina Hull
Kansan staff writer
A game of Scrabble is a typical game activity for sweethearts Mark Brender and Jennifer Phillips.
Losing his turn, Mark gracefully removes his letters from the board.
Unfortunately for Mark, "swaug" isn't a word this evening.
While Jennifer works on a word, Mark explains that she times his turns to keep games from extending past their midnight curfew.
KU graduate Mark Brende, 28, and KU Campus Crusade for Christ director Jennifer Phillips, 25, are not engaged, not dating and not pursuing a physical relationship. Instead, they are courting, a philosophy of building a foundation for a lasting marriage.
For this couple, courting boundaries include no hugging, kissing or spending time together alone. The only touching allowed is hand holding. Plus, they have a self-enforced curfew.
Brende and Phillips are out of the ordinary, but not alone, in their views on marriage and dating. They are part of a small number of KU students and graduates devoted to postponing sex, and sometimes even kissing, until marriage.
Dennis Dailey, KU professor of social welfare, said such behavior was not healthy, because it involved suppressing sexual desires. Dailey, who teaches a course on human sexuality in everyday life, said waiting until marriage to kiss was definitely taking abstaining too far.
Brende and Phillips, however, believe strict physical abstinence allows them to keep their focus on God until they are ready for marriage.
"The risk of struggling with sexual immorality would terminate our future together and our ministry," said Brende. "We're not Christians in the back row."
Because Brende and Phillips both lead Bible studies through Campus Crusade, they are in a position to set an example for college students.
"When you go about everyday life, you need to think about the person you are going to marry and make sure you are true to that person."
The future of their relationship does
R.J. McDaniel
not rely on sex, Brende said, but rather on an emotional and spiritual foundation that develops through friendship.
Leavenworth junior
Brende tested this foundation by asking himself three questions: Can I be friends with this girl for the rest of my life? Are we compatible? Could I thoroughly enjoy a honeymoon with this girl?
When he was able to answer "yes" to all the questions, he asked Phillips for her permission to move past friendship and into courtship.
Brende and Phillip's courtship and sexual modesty is not for everybody. Yet a different approach to relationships makes sense in a country where half of marriages are predicted to fail. Something is not working.
A courtship relationship is the opposite of cohabitation, or living together before marriage. Cohabitation is a trend that has increased from one-half million couples in 1960 to four million in 1997, according to a January 1999 social science research report from Rutgers State University of New Jersey.
As part of The National Marriage Project, Rutgers researchers David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead found that more than half of today's marriages are preceded by cohabitation, which has weakened the institution of marriage.
They reported that while an anticohabitation approach strengthens relationships through linking sex to marriage, it fails to address how to postpone sex until marriage.
Phillip and Brende achieved this by avoiding tempting situations.
John Wade, a staff psychologist for KU Counseling and Psychological
Services, said conventional dating patterns could set young people up for future divorces. He said there was pressure in college to date a lot of people and to move on whenever problems arose.
Wade said television also sends out a misleading message about racing into physical relationships.
"What typically happens in TV is people meet, have one date and hop in bed. And if that's not happening (in your life), you're missing the boat," he said.
Juniors R.J. McDaniel, Leavenworth, and B.J.Hill, Ellis, are not concerned that they might be missing the boat. Neither thinks dating is bad. Instead, each believes what they call "purity" in relationships matters more.
Purity involves the concept of sexual modesty, or reserving sex for a single committed relationship that only exists in marriage. Both said they wanted to wait at least until they were engaged before kissing their future wives.
"When you go about everyday life, you need to think about the person you are going to marry and make sure you are being true to that person," McDaniel said.
Hill said that at times it was difficult to separate society's definition of dating from his own ideas of what it should be. Both men agreed that Christian attitudes don't make them immune to sexual temptations.
"The locker room question is a test of conquering," McDaniel said. "The first question is 'How far did you go?' not 'How right is she for you?'"
***
Tammy Wyss, a 1988 KU graduate,
first kissed her husband Steve, a
"Actually, when he kissed me I almost fell over," she said.
Lawrence graduate student, on her wedding day.
It wasn't easy to wait, but it was worthwhile, Wyss said.
"My mom thought it was kind of crazy. She said I needed to know if I was physically attracted. I said, 'Come on, Mom, I know if I'm attracted,'" Wyss said.
Phillips, Brende, Wyss, McDaniel and Hill currently worship in nondenominational churches. Their childhood religious backgrounds differ from Lutheran to Catholic to homes where church attendance was not encouraged.
All agreed that courting, not dating,
or being faithful to an unknown
spouse is not meant for everybody.
Dailey said that waiting until marriage for sex was an individual decision but that it can cause guilt and shame when premarital sex conflicts with individual values.
"What that means is they are withholding expressions of affection that are part or a normal and natural relationship." Dailey said.
Although religious convictions may be the most common reason for courtship and sexual modesty, a secular cause exists as well. Wendy Shalit, 25-year-old author of A Return to Modesty, hails modesty as sexy and erotic in a culture where loose, cheap and easy sex has lost its luster.
Phillips and Brende agree. Brende describes their time spent together, which does consist of activities other than Scrabble, as exciting and romantic.
Phillips said that she looks forward to an easy marriage, because she has waited to find the right person that she is comfortable around and can trust.
"For me," Phillips said, "I don't want to miss out on anything with my husband or give away anything that belongs to him."
And she doesn't mind playing Scrabble in the meantime, even when Mark wins.
Edited by Chad Bettes
Kids play in dirt, help break ground for Hilltop Center
By Michael Furman
Kansan staff writer
The ground breaking ceremony this summer for the new Hilltop Child Development Center drew 125 people, many of whom donned hardhats and pitched shovels into the dirt.
Pat Pisani, Hilltop director, encouraged anybody who wanted to help to join.
"We even have little gold shovels for the kids," she said. The ceremony was directed toward the children who will use it, but numerous University of Kansas administrators including Provost David Shulenburger braved the stormy weather to offer their support and congratulations.
"We are trying to make this a children's event, so they understand what's going on and when they'll get to use the new place," Pisani said.
Ann Wimmer, a Hilltop teacher, attended the ceremony with her granddaughter. She said people were excited about the new center because it was designed for the children.
"It's going to be so nice, especially for the students and parents with special needs." Wimmer said.
The new building will be one level, and classrooms will have their own bathrooms. The current Hilltop building is multiple levels and is not handicapped accessible.
Also, the center will be based on a natural Kansas theme. Dena Podelrebarac, president of the Hilltop board of directors and public education specialist at the Natural History Museum, said that the new design was appropriate.
"I'm also real excited for the natural theme; being a biologist I'm real interested in the wildflowers and the earthy colors," she said.
Podrebarda's daughter, Hillary, 5, is excited for the new center for another reason.
The excitement for the center was obvious Sunday as adults and children joined in shoveling dirt.
"We'll be in new classes, and we'll have new playground toys," she said.
Katlyn Fisher, 8, was hard at work doing her part for the center.
"I hope to go 3 feet down," she said as she struggled to puncture the ground.
Construction is expected to be complete by July 2000, and the building, which will be between Anschutz Sports Pavilion and Stouffer Place apartments, should be ready for classes in August 2000.
Two-thirds of the $3.4 million project will be paid by a $4-a-semester student fee. The KU administration and Hilltop are paying the remainder of the cost.
Edited by Derek Prater
Reading the Kansan classifieds will make you a man/woman of the world.
At least you will save enough money that you will appear to be a rich, debonair playperson
KIEF'S Audio/Video Big Sale Now! TV & DVDs 24th Iowa, Lawrence KS. 842-1811
Need Some Help? Want Information? Have Concerns?
The Emily Taylor Women's Resource Center is Here to Help
- Mentoring Program
The Etc. Shop
revo
928 Mass. 843-0611
- Leadership Training
- Financial Aid/ Scholarship Info.
And More...
Check Us Out!
- Career Resources
- Reading Room
22 Strong Hall 864-3552 Monday-Friday, 8 a.m.-5 p.m.
- Workshops
- Specialized Books and Material
- Sexual Violence Assistance and Programming
- Assistance Related to Personal Concerns
www.ukans.edu/~etwrc
All of our training is FREE and doesn't require registration! Just show up at the Computer Center or the Budig Hall Computer Lab at classtime.
FREE INTERNET TRAINING Academic Computing Services
Connecting to the Internet—Get a basic overview of the Internet. Mon. August 16 3 to 4:30 p.m./Computer Center Auditorium
Web Authoring: IntroductionLearn the first steps in Web page creation Mon. August 16 4:30 to 7 p.m./Computer Center PC Lab
Outlook Express: Introduction—Learn the basics of Outlook Express and choose the best options for your needs. Tues. August 17 1:30 to 3:30 p.m./Budig PC Lab
Web Authoring: Publish Your Web Page on the Internet Move your Web page from your desktop computer to your KU multiuser account and to the Net. Mon.August 16 7:30 to 8:30 p.m./Computer Center PC Lab
Understanding Email Learn basic terms such as SMTP, POP3, and IMAP so that you will be able to setup or configure a variety of email programs. Tues. August 17 noon to 1 p.m./Computer Center Auditorium
Web Authoring: Intermediate Create links, place graphics and learn other HTML techniques. Prerequisite: Web Authoring Introduction or equivalent skills. Tues. August 17 4 to 7 p.m./Computer Center PC Lab
Web Browsing—Surf the Web using Netscape Navigator by learning to access, search for, and bookmark Web sites. Wed. August 18 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m./Computer Center PC Lab
Join an E-Mail Discussion ListLearn to find, join,and participate in email discussion groups (lists).Wed.August 18 1:30 to 2:30 p.m./Computer Center Auditorium
Web Authoring: Cascading Style Sheets—Learn a new way to set colors, font styles and layout in Web pages that separates style from content. Prerequisite: Web Authoring: Intermediate or equivalent skills. Wed. August 18 6 to 9 p.m./Computer Center PC Lab
PINE: Introduction—Get a basic overview of this email program. Prerequisite: Understanding Email or equivalent skills. Thurs, August 19 5 to 6:30 p.m. /Budig PC Lab
Finding Information on the World Wide Web—Learn to use several guides and search tools to make the most of the Web's resources. Fri. August 20 10 a.m.to noon/Budig PC Lab