In one easy lesson...
How to whip the Reds
(Editor's note: The following is reprinted from the Colorado Daily, student newspaper at the University of Colorado. It was written by Bob Ewegen.)
Recently, this writer was privileged to interview Ivan Awfulitch, the Soviet spy who masterminds the softening up of America's youth for the great proletarian revolution.
Ivan is a short, gnome-like man, has a thick black beard and gazes upon the world with intense eyes burning with hatred for the American way of life.
AS I ENTERED his dank cellar hangout, Ivan was smacking his lips oafishly and stuffing himself with Danish pastry. This I knew to be a bad sign. Whenever Ivan eats Danish pastry instead of black bread it means he is wrestling with a moral dilemma.
"I'm wrestling with a moral dilemma," Ivan Awfulitch said as I sat down.
"I know," I said in my best Oxford accent.
Know. I said to my best friend, "You know too much for your own good, capitalist swine," Awfulitch snarled. "Have a cigarette."
AS I GRACEFULLY flicked a Player between my lips Awfulitch leaned forward with a lighter. As he spun the wheel a cloud of gas suddenly shot at me.
"Good heavens, Awfulitch, have you poisoned me with the deadly trafa gas, which contains the distilled essence of AWS hearing committee minutes, p.e. lectures, and which instantly paralyzes the mind upon contact?" I screamed.
"No, idiot, is decadent capitalist invention called spray deodorant. You forgot to bathe this morning."
"ANYWAY," I said in relief, "What is your problem?"
"Veill, is my job to undermine decadent capitalist youth and convert them to Marxism." "Naturally."
"Naturally."
"To do that, I decided to get appointed to the faculty of the University of Colorado where I could poison their little mindniks."
"Naturally."
"FIRST, I had to arrange a vacancy. That vas easy. I found a popular professor of political science and arranged for, shall ve say, an unfortunate accident."
"Naturally."
"Then I presented diplomas and references showing my overwhelming qualifications to fill the vacancy. All of them forged in Moscow, naturally."
"Naturally."
"I WAS ALL set to begin my glorious work of high treason. But now I can't."
"Why not?"
"They want me to sign a loyalty oath."
"But to get into this position you've murdered, lied, cheated, committed treason and grown a beard. Why should the oath stop you?"
"IS ETHICAL hangup. All communist traitors are very ethical. Ve could never, never break an oath before God."
"But Communists don't believe in God."
"Is small matter. Principle remains same. Murdering Hungarian freedom fighters was simple. Assassinating foreign leaders who lean toward the West is a tiny matter really. Turning in my own mother to the secret police was actually rather satisfying to me. But I could never, never dishonor myself by signing an oath I couldn't keep."
"GEE, I ALWAYS thought traitors would readily sign such an oath. I thought only honorable men who resented being degraded by this slur on their profession would refuse to sign."
"Wrong. Everybody knows Communists are so honorable that we would never break an oath to a god and constitution ve despise. I shall haf to give up teaching and go back to infiltrating the moderate wing of the Republican party."
And so, gentle readers, that's the true story as to why Ivan Awfulitch, sinister Communist conspirator, did not teach at Baghdad-by-the-Flatirons.
Moral: You can trust the Communists after all. That's why the university keeps the loyalty oath.
Official Bulletin
TODAY
Humanities Lecture, 8 p.m. John L. Caskey, U. of Cincinnati. "Keos & Lawrence High Auditorium. Reception by Faculty Club following.
TOMORROW
Classical Film, 7 & 9 p.m. "The Italian Straw Hat," Dyhe.
Danforth Devotions, 4:30 p.m. Danforth Chapel.
Newman Club Lecture, 7 p.m. "Individual Conscience vs. Authority in Church" Student Center, 1915 Stratford Rd.
Alpha Chi Dept. 7:30 p.m. Prof.
Dubb, History Signet. Groom Room.
109 North University Drive.
2 Daily Kansan
editorial page
Tuesday, November 29, 1966
DECLARATION!
Read the Kansan
Another Democratic victory, or at least probable victory, is that of the well-known gourmet and restauranteur, Mr. Lester Maddox. While this Democrat showed little opposition to other Great Society programs, he did, in the course of his hard-hitting campaign, make it clear to astute observers that he had certain reservations about the civil rights legislation. Perhaps the legislators of the Great Society, knowing that the national good is best served by their reelection, will follow the lead of Mr. Maddox in not pushing civil rights legislation too hard.
But perhaps we exaggerate. Perhaps there is a hope for the Democratic Party. After all, they didn't lose everything. Some rays of Democratic hope came shining through the clouds of Republican victory. Some of the bright stars in this constellation were Lurleen Wallace, Bob Docking, and probably Lester Maddox.
THE WALLACE VICTORY in Alabama shows that the chains of bigotry can be broken. While in most states, the idea of feminine equality in government is still not realized and the thought of a woman governor is soffed at, progressive Alabama voters showed that such blatant discrimination would not prevent them from deciding the case on the issues.
IN YET ANOTHER significant victory, Bob Docking swept into Cedar Crest with a substantial margin, becoming the first member of the Democratic Party to unseat an incumbent Republican governor in Kansas. Perhaps, from this victory, the national Democratic Party can learn some lessons, too. One decisive factor in Docking's victory was the fact that neither the President nor vice-President gave him too much support. Another big factor was his Goldwater-like anti-tax stand. -Pyrrhus and Cineas
Following the death of God recently, it came as quite a shock to witness the death of yet another supposed immortal, "The Great Society." Voters flocked to the polls early this month to tell President Johnson what they thought of his programs . . . not very much.
The Republican Party gained 47 seats in the House of Representatives, made some gain in the Senate, and picked up eight Governor's seats (many of these in the big states . . . the states the Republicans were never supposed to win).
WHAT IS IMPORTANT about this gain, particularly in the House, is that while L.B.J. has bad and still has quite a majority on paper, some of his programs were barely able to squeak through in the last session. Some didn't even make it. With a shift of 47 seats away from Mr. Johnson, it seems his legislative program might be in a bit of jeopardy.
The Daily Kansan, student newspaper at The University of Kansas, is represented by National Advertising Service. 18 East 50 St., New York, NY 10026. Students are required to complete second class postage paid at Lawrence, Kan., every afternoon during the University year except Saturdays and Sundays. University holidays and examination periods. Accommodations, goods, services and employment advertised in the University year are offered to all students without regard to color, creed or national origin.
The opinions expressed in the editorial column are those of the students whose names are signed to them. Guest editorial views are not necessarily the editor's. Any opinions expressed in the Daily Kansan are not necessarily those of The Universt y $j$ of Kansas Administration or the State Board of Regents.
FEIFFER