THE OTHER NIGHT MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WERE PRETTY DRUNK, AND WE HAD SEX. THEN SHE STARTED MOANING SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAME. THE CRAZY THING IS, THE NAME SHE WAS MOANING WAS "JESSICA." I DON'T KNOW WHO JESSICA IS, AND WHEN I ASKED MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT IT IN THE MORNING, SHE JUST LAUGHED IT OFF AS A DRUNK MISTAKE. SHOULD I BE UPSET ABOUT THIS, OR IS THIS ACTUALLY PRETTY AWESOME?
Chris: Mike, I think some more research is necessary, but based on the early information this is probably pretty awesome. Find out who Jessica is. Is she a friend of your girlfriend's you haven't met — perhaps a friend who introduced your girlfriend to forbidden erotic pleasures most men only dream of experiencing — or (you should be so lucky) is she Jessica Simpson? Assuming Jessica is female, it's likely that your girlfriend is harboring some homosexual urges, and as modern American society tells us, girl-on-girl action is hot. I strongly suggest finding this
Jessica, buying a bottle — or three — of wine and seeing if you can coax the inner Jessica out of your girlfriend and onto the outer Jessica. Be sure to let me know what happens in vivid detail, with photos and/or video.
Niloofar: Hearing someone
Niloofar: Hearing someone else's name, whether your partner is drunk or just drunk off your lovin', is always a bit of a blow to the ego. But the name was Jessica, and from what I've studied of male sexual fantasies, your ego is probably far from blown, and your penis is excited by the possibilities. You are in quite the enviable position, at
MIKE, SENIOR
least from your male friends' perspectives. Tell your girlfriend you're glad this happened, and you'd be more than happy to meet her needs by engaging in a threesome with Jessica. If the Jessica is Jessica Simpson, even better. If you manage to get video and/or photos, forget sending them to Chris and send them to the tabloids so you can not only be the hot shit who had a threesome with Jessica Simpson, you'll be the filthy rich hot shit who had the threesome with Jessica Simpson. And when you're rich hot shit... well, you can't even imagine the sexual possibilities.
MY GIRLFRIEND WON'T STOP WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY, AND I THINK IT'S DESTROYING OUR RELATIONSHIP. SHE KEEPS REFERRING TO HERSELF AS A "CARRIE," AND HER BEST FRIENDS CALLS HERSELF "SAMANTHA." SHE QUOTES THE SHOW ALL THE TIME AND THINKS THAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO GIVE VALUABLE LIFE ADVICE. SHE EVEN MAKES ME WATCH IT. IS THERE AWAY TO CONVINCE HER THAT THE SHOW SUCKS, OR IF NOT, CAN I SAVE OUR RELATIONSHIP?
Niloofar: Dude, what is your problem? Sex and the City is a source of valuable life advice and the best show ever created. Your girlfriend must be pretty awesome if she's a Carrie. I'm a Carrie myself, for a myriad of reasons, including the fact that I write this sex column. Allow me to quote the show when I say "The most important relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. If you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." You obviously don't love your girlfriend for who she is, which is someone smart, witty and with an appreciation for great television. If I were her, I would dump your ass and spend my newfound free time in more productive and fulfilling ways, specifically with the Sex and the City boxed DVD set. But if I've helped you see that you're the problem and not her, then
JASON, JUNIOR
I'd recommend purchasing the "I'm a Carrie" T-shirt for her off the HBO Web site, followed by showing enthusiasm for (and following through on) an all-night marathon. Top it off by telling her you're her Mr.Big and I, as a relationship counselor, am sure I will never hear from you again.
Chris: Your relationship was dead the moment she uttered the words "I'm like Carrie." The best you can do now is run, run away. Sex and the City is a cult; it's like Scientology, except its less helpful and its members are more annoying. The worst are the "Carries" — their role model is a self-absorbed, shoe-obsessed socialite who sucks at writing and sucks worse at living. In every episode she craps out platitudes as deep as a kiddie pool, and you can always tell the women who "dive in"
to these pseudo-philosophical rants because they resemble head trauma victims. The woman you loved is long gone, replaced by a materialistic harpy who has invented a cute little nickname for you based on some extremely superficial or unfunny characteristic that makes her and her friends feel simultaneously clever and powerful while avoiding the glaring, omnipresent truth that without the men in their lives they'd be as miserable as the characters in the show, directly contradicting their invented personas as independent, intelligent, courageous modern women and leaving them teetering on the edge of crushing depression and complete psychological breakdown... But honestly, I don't really care about that show one way or the other. Good luck with whatever.
16=> JAYPLAY 11.09.2006