RAINE REVIEWS NEWS YOU CAN USE
HAWK TOPICS
A NEW INTELLIGENCE REPORT SAYS THAT THE IRAQ WAR IS "CAUSE CELEBRE" FOR TERRORISTS AND WILL MAKE FUTURE TERRORIST ATTACKS MORE LIKELY. In a tragic and potentially unhealthy misunderstanding, President Bush declared celery to be "a tasteless, un-filling ally of the 'vege-terrorists' and urged Americans to forego eating vegetables to avoid emboldening the "Freedom-hating health-o-fascists."
POLICE MISTAKENLY REPORT THAT DALLAS COWBOYS WIDE RECEIVER TERRELL OWENS TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER OVERDOSING ON PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS.
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TO said that the accidental overdose came as he was trying to recover from watching the painfully atrocious Grey's Anatomy season opener.
REPRESENTATIVE MARK FOLEY (R, FLA.) RESIGNS AFTER THE REVELATION OF SEXUALLY EXPLICIT E-MAILS AND MESSENGER CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN THE CONGRESSMAN AND A TEENAGE MALE PAGE.
Now we can see why Foley was so anxious to get that chairmanship on the House caucus on missing and exploited children.
Millions of students just found the perfect replacement for"my dog ate my homework."
CONSUMERS ARE URGED TO RETURN MORE THAN HALF A MILLION LAPTOP BATTERIES AMID FEARS THAT THE FAULTY BATTERIES COULD CATCH FIRE AND EXPLODE.
6 RESEARCHERS AT YALE FIND THAT TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE CAN KILL BRAIN CELLS.
And if this finding is surprising to you, you've either never been around any jocko meatheads, or you are a jocko meathead.
AEROSMITH SINGER STEVEN TYLER REVEALS HE HAS HEPATITIS C.
I would have been more surprised if Tyler revealed he didn't have Hep C. Funny enough, Paris Hilton also revealed she had Hepatitis C, but thought that it was because she drank lots of orange juice.
A WALL STREET MEDIA ANALYST ESTIMATES THAT INTERNET PHENOM MYSPACE COULD BE WORTH $15 BILLION.
A separate estimate put forth by NAMBLA media analysts found MySpace to be "breaking priceless."
ESQUIRE MAGAZINE NAMES SCARLETT JOHANSSON ITS "SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE."
Katie Holmes was also honored as the "Sexiest Woman We're Not Sure Is Still Alive".
KU LOSES ANOTHER OVERTIME HEARTBREAKER THIS TIME TO NEBRASKA IN LINCOLN.
While KU, which many K-State fans call "the Baylor of the North," took Nebraska to overtime, the Powercats lost to "the Baylor of the South" by two touchdowns. Is anybody else really looking forward to that game in November?
TONY DANZA AND HIS
WIFE TRACY ANNOUNCES
THAT THEY ARE
SEPARATING AFTER 20
YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
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Danza went from "Who's the Boss?" to "Who's that guy porking my wife?"
14> JAYPLAY 10.05.2006
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Chris Raine