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LIVING WITH by Lisa Anderson Breaking up and breaking a lease YOUR LOVER
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PHOTO ILLUSTRATION/KIMBERLY WESTPHALL
My brother and his girlfriend fell madly in love two years ago. They were inseparable, spending every waking — and sleeping — moment together Six months ago they moved into a swanky, white wall-to-wall, two-bedroom in the St. Louis suburbs with the works: balcony, pool, washer and dryer. They even bought a puppy to train and raise together.
They are now on the verge of an ugly break up, divorce-style. They are arguing about who takes what furniture, who gets which days with the kids (or in this case, the puppy), and who has to tell the landlord they are calling it quits and breaking their lease.
Today, about 80 percent of premarital
couples live together and the numbers are skyrocketing, says Jeffery King, licensed marriage and family therapist at Shane M. Jones and Associates, P.A., 2300 S.W. 29th St., in Topeka. Cohabitation is more acceptable now than it used to be, but that doesn't necessarily mean that turning your lover into your roomate is a good idea.
Sometimes couple; move in together to prepare themselves for a more stable marriage without jumping directly into a marriage. But, pre-marital move-ins could lead to complications and splitting up.
Couples tend to rush into living together before really exploring the things that make them who they are like what they want in life, King says. So,
they sign on the dotted line in hopes of postponing marriage but maintaining a good pre-marital relationship. This binds them into a legal commitment as well and although not as legally messy as marriage, definitely emotionally traumatic.
Although there are risks when shacking up with your partner, it is possible for things to work out. Amy Perrin, 2004 graduate, lived with her now-husband
Morgan Terry, Holcomb Junior, and her boyfriend dated for years and moved in together in June 2005. They broke up while living together and decided that cohabitation was the reason. "At the time, we thought we were at that point in our relationship," Terry says. "It just wasn't the right time."
scott for two years before getting married and wouldn't have it any other way."There are so many things to learn about each other that you can only really see and feel if you experience living together," Perrin says.
Others decide that moving in with your mate is bad news from the start. Andy O'Hare, 2006 graduate, says he wouldn't do it because personal space is too important. "It would annoy me, and they would get in my way." O'Hare says.
Whether cohabitation is a good idea or not, thinking about the decision beforehand is. So weigh the pros and cons of living with your lover before you sign a lease.
Katie Waugh, Topeka sophomore, and Cade Smith, Sioux Falls, S.D. sophomore, fight over a lamp during a moving-out break up.
REASONS TO COHABITATE
Social acceptability. A lot less stigma is attached to cohabitation these days, and it presents a much more relaxed climate.
A commitment step.Couples think that living together will create a more stable marriage in the future.
To postpone the age of marriage. This provides room for starting a career before launching into what they perceive to be the expense of marriage and family.
Peak for sexual energy. They can experience a sexual relationship freely without the complication of marriage.
Dolla bills y'ail. People often assume it is cheaper. Combining their dough to pay the bills is often a convenient reason.
Jeffrey King,LMFT
REASONS TO RECONSIDER
intimate indeed. Couples open themselves up to a level of intimacy that they are not ready to commit to outside of marriage. What do you do when it falls apart?
A lease doesn't equal a ring. There is a myth that living together ensures a stable future and marriage. This is a myth, as nothing is certain and statistics do not prove this to be true.
The real you. After moving in together, some people are still afraid of being completely honest about who they are. They are still acting as the person they think their partner wants them to be.
Close quarters. Live-in lovers set themselves up for unneeded difficulties such as issues of personal space and "me" time.
Too soon. They might end up feeling trapped. Living together could mean jumping into a longer and more committed relationship than some expect.
Jeffrey King,LMFT
10. 05.2006 JAYPLAY <05