10
SAVING THE LAST DANCE FOR HIMSELF
Nobodyparties'till the bitter end like Zach Sias, St. Louis senior. Last year, Sias decided that the party should continue even after the bars closed. He turned his stereo up to recreate the party atmosphere in his own apartment. The drinks were still flowing and a drunken food binge was about to be in full swing when Sias heard a knock on the door. The intoxicated party
animal answered the door in nothing but his skivvies, and his party quickly wrapped up. A Lawrence police officer surprised him as he ripped open the door. Apparently Sias's dance hits were not a favorite of his neighbors. Sias was given a noise violation for partying — by himself.
Megan Heffley
CATHERINE COQUILLETTE
In a new relationship, when is it OK to say "I love you"?
"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN REALLY PUT A TIME LIMIT ON IT. YOU REALLY NEED TO GET TO KNOW THE PERSON FIRST. I GUESS MAYBE A COUPLE OF MONTHS IS OK."
BARBARA ESTIVO, WICHTA SENIOR
"YOU KIND OF NEED TO DEFINE WHAT LOVE IS TO YOU PERSONALLY FIRST. WHEN YOU FEEL THAT CRITERIA IS MET, THEN IT'S TIME. I'VE ONLY SAID 'I LOVE YOU' TO ONE GIRL IN MY WHOLE LIFE, EXCEPT FOR MY MOM AND SISTERS."
JOE WILLIAMS, CARTHAGE, MO. SENIOR
Megan Heffley
04> JAYPLAY 10.05.2006
ABOUT A YEAR AGO, MY EX-GIRLFRIEND AND I GOT A DOG TOGETHER. NOW THAT WE HAVE ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP, SHE THINKS SHE SHOULD GET SPANKY. WHILE I THINK WE SHOULD SHARE CUSTODY. HOW DO WE RESOLVE THIS AND DO THE BEST THING FOR ALL THREE OF US? KYLE SENIOR
Chris: First off, your dog's name is Spanky? Whoever's idea that was should automatically forfeit all claims to him on principle. Sigh... all right, here he's how you can get the dog and not have to share with the two-timing trollop you used to call your girlfriend. On a day that you have "custody" of Spanky, hide him at your place. When the ex comes to pick him up, tell her that Spanky found some of the make-up that she always left lying around, ate it and died. Then tell her you're sleeping with her best friend... you are sleepying with her best friend, right? If not, start. Upon hearing of Spanky's death and her best friend's betrayal, your ex-girlfriend will feel so horrible that she'll never want
to see you again, leaving you alone with Spanky, her slutty best friend and knowledge that you're responsible for emotionally scarring your ex so severely that she's incapable of ever loving again. Right on!
Niloofar: With the number of deadbeat dads who don't want custody of their children, do you seriously expect me to believe you genuinely want to "share custody" of Spanky? What I'm hearing in your question is a subconscious desire to share a bed with your girlfriend again. In that case, Spanky is going to be your greatest asset. Social psychologists have studied the effect of proximity on love time and time again. What they've found is that
KYLE, SENIOR
the closer we are to someone physically, the greater the chances of developing and keeping a relationship with that person. You need to keep seeing your girlfriend and having positive interactions with her if there's any chance of rekindling the flame. But if you give her Spanky and cut off contact, you might never see her, or insist that the dog belongs to both of you, and that you are very attached to him. If she decides you can just go ahead and keep him, then she probably never wanted Spanky anyway — she's just a bitch who wanted to milk you for all you're worth and take everything you've got, in which case you should see Chris's response and turn the tables on this trollop.
I RECENTLY STARTED DATING A GUY WHO SPENDS A LOT OF TIME AT THE GYM AND I LOVE HIS HOT BODY. BUT HIS "EQUIPMENT" SEEMS REALLY SMALL AND I THINK HE MIGHT BE ON STEROIDS. SHOULD I ASK HIM ABOUT IT, AND IF HE IS, SHOULD I TRY TO GET HUM TO QUIT? — UNDSAY, SOPHOMORE
Chris: Common side effects of steroid use are decreased sperm counts and infertility, so it's probably going to be difficult for your buffed-up boy-toy to procreate, which is great news. If your boyfriend is willing to use steroids so his muscles look bigger when he flexes in the mirror, he's pretty stupid. And you're dating him, so I think it's safe to say that you're pretty stupid too. Combine you two, and you'll get a dangerously stupid baby. So make sure your jocko keeps hitting the juice —
Niloofar: Like Kyle above, I think you're denying your true feelings. You say you love your boyfriend's hot body but are concerned because his "equipment" isn't proportional. Then you add the "could he be on steroids?" qualifier. I don't think you're worried about Mr. Universe popping pills, I think you're disappointed by his member. This being the case, you need to ask yourself
the fate of the world depends on it. Literally.
why you're so bothered by his not-so-long Johnson. We're socialized to believe that bigger is better, but good things come in small packages. If he knows how to use it, then for heaven's sake, enjoy it. However, if I misread your subconscious and you truly are concerned about possible drug use, look to see if he's developing man-boobs or if his balls are deflating. If so, try to get him some professional help. Don't worry, his balls will be back to bouncy within a few of weeks of discontinuation.
MOISTURIZE DURING THE WINTER MONTHS
health tip
As the seasons change, the colder climate starts to dry out your skin. To prevent crusty knuckles and parched cheeks, grab a moisturizer that repairs the moisture barrier on your skin. The barrier is a layer that maintains a healthy balance of oil and water on your skin.
says Brooke Heavey, Clinique consultant at Weaver's Department Store, 901 Massachusetts St. She suggests Clinique Superdefense, $39.50 and Repairwear, $47.50, moisturizers.
Erika Bentson