I RECENTLY GOT INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GREAT GUY, AND I REALLY LIKE HIM. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT HE IS A VIRGIN AND I AM NOT, AND HE SAYS HE COULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH ME BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T BE MY FIRST. ON SEX AND THE CITY, CHARLOTTE SAYS THAT IF YOU GO WITHOUT SEX FOR A YEAR YOU ARE A VIRGIN AGAIN. IS THIS TRUE? AM I REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT A YEAR BEFORE HE'LL NAIL ME? ANY ADVICE TO MAKE ME REBORN AGAIN? — JILLIAN. JUNIOR
Chris: You're trying to get sex advice from an episode of Sex and the City? Hold on, let me wipe the vomit off my keyboard, because that's how disgusted I am with you. And from Charlotte of all the characters? She makes Forrest Gump look like a walking, talking Stephen Hawking. Sorry, but one year without sex won't take away what you did, over and over, in front of his friends, during your Cancun spring break adventure, and it definitely won't take away the herpes he left you as a parting gift, or the video he kept for himself. This guy is looking for a chaste, respectable girl, not someone who collects wisdom
from a crappy HBO series about superficial women trying to act like superficial men. And besides, why take the time to break in a newbie when I have a swimming pool that you can't get pregnant in?
Niloofar: He might be upset, but if this kid's a virgin, he wants to get laid, so I'm sure he'll make some allowances. Especially if you make him wait. Closing up shop for a year won't exactly change your status to "revirginized," but it might change his to "energized, frisky, horny... dare I say desperate? Before you know it, he'll be nailing you like a hammer. But.
If he's at the point where even his testosterone isn't overriding his thoughts, then make sure you reassure him with the standard "It's in the past. I didn't know you then," and "I can't change what happened, but it doesn't change how I feel about you." If he can't get over the fact you've been laid before, then this relationship is going to end. Either he's going to leave you, or you're going to leave him. But don't worry, there are plenty of guys out there who can accept that while they may not be the first to conquer your territory, they might as well be the last...or at least the best.
I'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH THIS GIRL FOR A WHILE, AND NOW I WANT TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS WITH HER. I'D LIKE TO ASK HER OUT ON A DATE, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT SHE DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY, AND IT COULD SCREW UP THE FRIENDSHIP. SHOULD I KEEP PLAYING IT COOL, OR DO I NEED TO PUT MY BALLS OUT THERE AND TELL HER HOW I FEEL?
—JEREMY, SOPHOMORE
Chris: I don't know Jeremy, do you want to feel the sharp, stabbing pain of humiliation and rejection today, or the dull ache of regret for the next five years? If you "tell her how you feel" and ask her out, she'll likely turn you down and begin avoiding you. However, if you refrain from being a man and asking her out, you'll have to watch her date some toolbox who actually had the stones to take her to dinner. Worse, then she'll want to talk to you about him, because "you're like a brother to me." And unless this girl is from Missouri, it's unlikely she'll ever want to hook up with her brother. Then you become a bitter old schmuck who writes a crappy relationship
Niloofar: On behalf of every girl, I must shout in all caps,
"PUT YOUR BALLS OUT THERE!"
You, my friend, possess a pair.
So use them well. That means you tell her how you feel, plain and simple. Now don't go Romeo on her. This should not
include sonnets, no "Allow me to express my feelings through song," no interpretive dance, no overdone mush. The truth is, if she likes you, you won't need it. If she doesn't, that's when she'll start to feel sick inside. But if you're honest and direct and you "Nike it" (as in "Just do it") then one of two things will happen: 1) She will say ever so sweetly "Aww, I'm really flattered, but I just don't feel that way about you. I never want to lose you as a friend, though." And she'll mean it. 2) She'll be beside herself with joy. If this happens, feel free to proceed with the poems and songs. Either way, you lose nothing. Not even your balls.
advice column for no pay.Trust me, you don't want that. Better to have your heart torn open, crapped into and shoved back inside, than to spend every night wondering what exotic new positions she and Frat Boy #7 are trying out. Oh yeah, and there's always the chance she'll actually take up your offer for a date. But I can't help you with that.
09.28.2006 JAYPLAY <17