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PARIS HILTON GETS PULLED OVER AND ARRESTED FOR DRUNKEN DRIVING.
The arresting officer was the third person that night to tell Paris to "spread'em."
2 RAPPER 50 CENT IS PULLED OVER AND ARRESTED IN NEW YORK ON A VARIETY OF MINOR CHARGES.
Combined with the Hilton DUI, this was a rough week for no-talent ass clowns posing as musical artists to be out driving.
A SLEEP-DEPRIVED MOTHER PANDA AT A CHINA ZOO ACCIDENTALLY CRUSHES ONE OF HER INFANT TWINS TO DEATH.
The mother panda mourned the death of her cub for several minutes, then tore apart and ate the crushed corpse in front of several horrified schoolchildren.
7
KATIE COURIC MAKES HER DEBUT ON CBS EVENING NEWS.
Couric did a decent enough job,but as far as I'm concerned, she's just keeping the seat warm until Kelly Ripa's ready.
3 "THE CROCODILE HUNTER" STEVE IRWIN IS KILLED BY A STINGRAY WHILE SHOOTING A DOCUMENTARY.
Steve Irwin joins Dale Earnhardt, Jim Morrison and Michael Hutchence as the most unsurprising celebrity deaths ever.
4 BRAD PITT PROMISES TO MARRY ANGELINA JOLIE AS SOON AS IT'S LEGAL FOR ANYONE TO MARRY ANYONE.
Deadbeat dads around the globe are singing Pitt's praises for inventing the best method yet to put off marrying that broad they knocked up.
6 CLAY AIKEN IS NAMED TO THE PRESIDENT'S COUNCIL FOR PEOPLE WITH INTELLECTUAL DISABILITIES.
Aiken's primary responsibilities on the council will be to make sure President Bush only drinks one juice box at lunchtime.
8 TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES REVEAL THE FIRST PICTURES OF THEIR BABY SURI IN THE LATEST ISSUE OF VANITY FAIR.
What do Baby Suri and your average American have in common? They both think that Scientology is retarded.
courtesy of Bill Maher. If America truly wants to reassert its scientific dominance, we can start by designing a space shuttle that can fly in the rain-
10 A NEW REPORT FINDS THAT CONTRARY TO CLAIMS FROM THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION, SADDAM HUSSEIN VIEWED AL QAEDA TERRORISTS AS A THREAT RATHER THAN AN ALLY.
In a related story, contrary to the results of the 2004 presidential election, more and more American citizens view the Bush administration as a threat rather than an ally.
THINK YOU HAVE A BETTER JOKE? E-MAIL ME AT HAWKTOPICS@KANSAN.COM
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Chris Raine