RAINE REVIEWS NEWS YOU CAN USE
NOTICE
31
HAWK TOPICS
1
A WHITE LOUISIANA BUS DRIVER IS SUSPENDED AFTER SENDING NINE BLACK CHILDREN TO THE BACK OF THE BUS.
What the liberal media doesn't tell you is that the front of the school bus was on fire.
AN INTERNATIONAL COLLECTION OF ASTONOMERS DECIDES TO REMOVI PLUTO'S STATUS AS A PLANET
Pluto nearly avoided its fate when, just minutes before the crucial vote, the meeting descended into uncontrollable giggling after one of the astronomers asked the chairman,
"How many Venuses are in Uranus?"
FORBES.COM RANKS MILWAUKEE AS "AMERICA'S DRUNKEST CITY."
4 THE CROSSING IS TEMPORARILY SAVED AS THE LAWRENCE HISTORIC RESOURCES COMMISSION DEEMS THE PROPOSED DEVELOPMENT LOCATION "HISTORICAL."
That reminds me of the time I got "historically" drunk off of $1 pitchers at the Crossing, which eventually led tome getting "historically" shot dcwn by the girls at the bar and "historical" vomiting in my kitchen sink.
Milwaukeans are reportedly seriously considering adopting the title as the new city slogan as they are understandably eager to replace "Milwaukee: Diarrhea-free since 1993!"*
"Google "Milwaukee cryptosporidium outbreak" to fully understand this reference.
5 AT 6 FEET 8 INCHES, 13-YEAR-OLD AARON DURLEY BECOMES THE TALLEST PLAYER EVER TO PARTICIPATE IN THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES.
If this freak show is really 13, then I was really 21 when I was drinking at the Crossing.
6 PARAMOUNT ANNOUNCES SPLIT WITH TOM CRUISE, ENDING AN EXTREMELY LUCRATIVE 14-YEAR PICTURE DEAL.
Paramount chose to risk "Losin' It" all, as Tom's off-screen antics made future work with their box office very "Risky Business." Not even the "Color of Money" justified the possible "Collateral" damage a continued relationship with the "Legend" could cause. Sigh. This is "Far and Away" the worst joke of the week.
CIGARETTE LABELS SUCH AS "LIGHT"
OR "MILD" ARE PROHIBITED AFTER A
FEDERAL COURT FINDS THE LABELS
DECEPTIVE TO CUSTOMERS.
7
The judge declined to eliminate "Cool," however, based on the convincing testimony from local high school students that smoking really does make you, like, totally cool.
Maybe this is why the Princeton Reviewers thought partying in Texas was such a "blast."
8 AIRLINE SECURITY IN HOUSTON FINDS A STICK OF DYNAMITE IN THE CHECKED LUGGAGE OF A COLLEGE STUDENT.
ELTONJOHNANNOUNCESINTENTIONS TO PRODUCE A HIP-HOP ALBUM.
10
Tentative titles for the forthcoming album include; "Saturday Night's Alright for Pimpin', "Tiny Durty Dancer" and "Crank-a-dile Rock."
THINK YOU HAVE A BETTER JOKE? E MAIL ME AT HAWKTOPICS@KANSAN.COM
WALNUT VALLEY FESTIVAL
35th Annual
National Flat Picking Championships
Bluestem
Misty River Hot Strings The Wilders Steve Kaufman Pete Huttlinger The Greencards The Waybacks Marley's Ghost Still on the Hill Tommy Emmanu
September 13-17,2006 Winfield,KS
Tommy Emmanuel
Buy your tickets now!
For details and tickets, visit www.wvfest.com
Stephen Bennett
Cadillac Sky
Dave Stamey
Andy May
Bill Barwick
Roz Brown
Julie Davis
Barry Patton
Linda Tilton
Bruce Graybill
Small Potatoes
Mountain Smoke
Tim O'Brien Trio
John McCutcheon
Byron Berline Band
David Munnelly Band
Spontaneous Combustion
Cathy Barton & Dave Para
Dan Crary & Thunderation
Adrienne Young & Little Sadie
Tom Chapin w/ Michael Mark
JoAnn Smith & Pocket Change
Chris Jones & The Night Drivers
Pat Flynn, Buddy Greene, & Friends
• Arts and Crafts
• Four stages
• Eight contests
• Workshops
- $93,383 in prizes
Chris Raine
08.31.2006 JAVFLAY < 13