NOTICE
RAINE REVIEWS NEWS YOU CAN USE
HAWK TOPICS
1
AFTER A FOILED TERRORIST PLOT IN LONDON IN WHICH TERRORISTS ATTEMPT TO USE LIQUID EXPLOSIVES, AIRLINES BAN CARRY-ON LIQUIDS UNDER NEW SECURITY MEASURES.
Now if we can get a terrorist to try to sneak aboard a bomb in a bra, we'll be in business.
PARIS HILTON
DECLARES HERSELF
CELIBATE FOR A YEAR
IN AN INTERVIEW WITH
THE BRITISH EDITION
OF GQ MAGAZINE.
Apparently Hilton is of the understanding that being "cellate"means no kissing.
A REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE CHARITY IN LONDON PLANS TO STAGE A "MASTURBATE-A-THON" FUND RAISER, WHERE PARTICIPANTS ARE ENCOURAGED TO PLEASURE THEMSELVES TO RAISE MONEY.
No word yet on how this will affect turnout at the "Lord of the Rings FanFest" scheduled for the same day.
3 THE UNITED NATIONS SECURITY COUNCIL AGREES ON RESOLUTION TO END CONFLICT BETWEEN ISRAEL AND LEBANON.
A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT TEENS THAT LISTEN TO SONGS WITH EXPLICIT SEXUAL LYRICS ARE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO ENGAGE IN EARLY SEXUAL BEHAVIOR.
Whew, I'm glad that's behind us! I have no doubts whatsoever that Israel and Hezbollah will follow the U.N.'s decree and immediately cease hostilities. Right, and Paris Hilton won't have sex for a year.
Another interesting yet obvious finding of the study was that teens that listen to Dashboard Confessional, Hawthorne Heights or Fall Out Boy are five thousand percent more likely to attend a "Masturbate-a-thon".
LINDSAY LOHAN EXPRESSSES WISH TO VISIT AND ENTERTAIN TROOPS IN IRAQ.
You know, Lindsay, you're a healthy 20-year-old woman, the Army is facing recruiting shortages, you have experience driving Hummers...There's other ways you can help out. Plus, camouflage is in this year!
FRESHMAN TIM FLATTERY BECOMES FIRST MALE ON ROCK CHALK DANCE TEAM Flattery just became the answer to a question that will be asked thousands of times at halftimes for the next four years: "Is that. is that a dude out there?"
JOE LIEBERMAN LAUNCHES INDEPENDENT CAMPAIGN FOR SENATE AFTER BEING DEFEATED IN THE DEMOCRATIC SENATE PRIMARY BY NED LAMONT.
What do Joe Lieberman and your average K-State football fan have in common? Both are in complete denial about their status as pathetic, whiny losers who don't know when to shut up.
TWIN GIANT PANDAS IN CHINA EACH GIVE BIRTH TO TWIN'GUBS WITHIN A DAY OF EACH OTHER.
10
residents reacted to the news of the dual twin panda births, government officials responded with 'perhaps' the 'most appropriate use of the word in oral history: "Panda monium"
READERS OF JAYPLAY OPEN THEIR FIRST ISSUE AND WONDER WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HAWK TOPICS, WHICH SEEMED A LOT FUNNIER LAST YEAR WHEN THAT OTHER GUY HELPED WRITE IT.
So maybe the other guy was funnier, and probably more personable and better-looking too. He's gone, I'm still here. Deal with it, suckers.
THINK YOU HAVE A BETTER JOKE? E-MAIL ME AT HAWKTOPICS@KANSAN.COM.
ABE&JAKE'S 8 EAST SIXTH STREET LAWRENCE, KS LANDING
Back to School PARTY
featuring DJ SCOTTIE MAC
Chris Raine
Saturday, August 19 9:00pm | $5 Cover
$2BOTTLES $2WELLS
.
18 to DANCE 21 to DRINK
08.17.2006 JAYPLAY <13