health
JAYPLAY = 09.27.2007
IS THIS LOVE THAT I'M FEELING?
We all go through tough relationships. But when it becomes obsession,it becomes something completely
different.
By Jared Duncan
When she was just 16, Aubrey Bascue was sure she had found the man she was going to marry. Whether she was with or without her boyfriend, he was constantly on her mind and bringing a smile to her face.
"I was really happy. I thought he was the total package," says Bascue, former KU student. Those feelings of extreme joy turned to excruciating pain, though, as the couple's seven-month anniversary approached and they faced a break-up.
"He was working two jobs, and then spending his free time with friends, which made me jealous," she says. "I confronted him at work and told him if he didn't spend more time with me, it was over, and he said 'it's over.' I can't believe how selfish I was."
For months after the relationship, Bascue was still constantly thinking about her brief romance, thinking it would haunt her forever.
While mild, Bascue may have been experiencing a condition known as limerence.
"Limerence is a state where one develops obsessive, intrusive, involuntary thoughts and feelings for another person," says Al Wakin, professor of psychology at Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, Conn. Wakin and Southern Connecticut State University graduate student Duyen Vo are currently researching the condition,hoping to learn more about it and make it common knowledge.
"if you go to most health care professionals and tell them that you are experiencing limerence, they'll probably have no idea what you're talking about." Wakin says. "It can happen to a seemingly happy, well-adjusted person."
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY ANNA FALTERMEIER
The term "limerence" was created by psychologist Dorothy Tennov who noticed an obsessive pattern among friends and students, prompting her to pursue research on the subject. This led to the publication of
her book Love and Limerence:
The Experience of Being in Love in
1979.
Although Tennov passed away this year, her son, Russell Hoffman, continues to help people understand his mother's findings and thinks a lot of good can come from it.
"There's a lot of hurt in the
world and nobody's studying it," Hoffman says. "Having a grasp of knowing that, 'I'm not the only one feeling like this and I'll get over it,' are comforting feelings. Understanding it can relieve some of the pain."
In the early stages of romance, love and limerence can be impossible to distinguish, but
over time, feelings can become clear.
"The difference is that love is a more unselfish feeling," Wakin says.
"With limerence, a person is entirely consumed and obsessed," Vo says. "You could even say they're addicted."
just psychological, but physical as well.
But the characteristics aren't The most important factor in
"When someone's emotionally attached, they experience heart palpitations, sweating, nervousness," Wakin says. "Limerent patients describe an aching when they are intensely longing for someone."
STILL OBSESSED?
Check out these web sites that explore the un-tapped phenomenon of limerence:
www.tennov.com
The woman who coined the term and started research, Dorothy Tennov, gives an informative FAQ plus various writings on her findings.
limerance.tblog.com An older blog discussing society's misunderstanding of limerence.
cultivatedpages.wordpress.
.com/2007/01/26/feared-
resisted-ended-and-refused
and-celebrated A writing center consultant gives reasons why limerence should be celebrated as well as feared.
tribes.tribet.net/limerence An online community where people help each other through or help understand limerence.
discriminating between love and limerence is time. After time, if a person is still suspicious, they should examine the relationship and see how they feel. Those who experience limerence say that it doesn't quite deliver the high that love does, and that everything else in their life is done routinely and without enthusiasm.
But how long should people wait to diagnose themselves with limerence? According to Tennov's research, the average lementer state lasts three years, with the shortest example existing a little over six months and the longest coming in at 10 years.
Much research has yet to be done, but studies show that there is no correlation between limerence and age or gender.
Wakin and Vo are in the midst of researching why limerence happens and what can be done to treat it, but would like people, especially students, to know that it can happen to anyone.
"Though it is a troublesome issue, it can be experienced by anybody." Wakin says. "We're currently researching why that is."
"I think it's also important to remember, if people feel this way, not to jump to the conclusion that it'is limerence," Vo says. "Give yourself time to see how it progresses."
progresses.