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JAYPLAY 08.23.2007
RAINE REVIEWS NEWS YOU CAN USE HAWKTOPICS
1
ACTOR STEVEN SEAGAL SAYS THAT AN FBI PROBE INTO HIS ALLEGED TIES WITH ORGANIZED CRIME RUINED HIS CAREER. A man out for justice against corrupt federal officials who tried to ruin his good name by alleging he has ties with the mafa? I smell a summer blockbuster.
2 THE NATIONAL SNOW AND ICE CENTER REPORTS THAT THE MELTING ARCTIC SEA ICE IS AT ITS LOWEST
LEVEL IN RECORDED HISTORY.
Chilling news indeed. Of course, when you're talking about a press release from the National Snow and Ice Center, the news is always chilling.
4 AN ISRAELI PSYCHATRIST SAYS THAT INTERNET ADDICTION SHOULD BE TREATED JUST AS SERIOUSLY AS OTHER ADDICTIVE DISORDERS SUCH AS GAMBLING, SEX ADDICTION AND KLEPTOMANIA.
ENTERTAIN- MENT ICON MERV GRIF- FIN PASSES AWAY AT THE AGE OF 82. A true loss. I'll never forget my favorite Merv Griffin moment when...um...wait a sec, what did this guy do ag
9 PRESIDENT BUSH'S CONTROVERSIAL CHIEF POLITICAL ADVISOR KARL ROVE RESIGNS, CITING THE DESIRE TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.
Imus's talents are in high demand. After all, where else is a radio station going to find an outspoken, cranky, bigoted old man?
What a bunch of ivory tower hogwash. Now excuse me, I've got some porn and music to illegally download before my online poker tournament.
7 DISGRACED RADIO HOST DON IMUS REACHES A SETTLEMENT WITH HIS FORMER EMPLOYER CBS AND EYES A POSSIBLE COMEBACK WITH ANOTHER STATION.
Americans were horrified and saddened by the news that Karl Rove does, in fact, have a family.
5 A SOUTH CAROLINA SMALL PARTS SUPPLIER TO THE U.S. MILITARY IS CAUGHT EXPLOTING A LOOPHOLE IN THE AUTOMATED PURCHASING SYSTEM TO CHARGE NEARLY $1 MILLION TO SHIP TWO 19-CENT WASHERS.
Coincidentally, "Loophole" is actually the Secret Service code name for Dick Cheney.
6 JENNA BUSH, DAUGHTER OF PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH IS ENGAGED TO HER LONG- TIME BOYFRIEND HENRY HAGER.
While the First Family is thrilled by the news of Jenna's engagement, they are still worried that Jenna's twin Barbara will soon marry her current beau, Harvard grad student Marvin Muncher, which would make Barbara's name...well, you get the point.
8 SEVERAL TOY COMPANIES RECALL MILLIONS OF TOYS MADE IN CHINA AFTER DISCOVERING THEY
CONTAINED LEAD PAINT AND SMALL EASILY-SWALLOWED MAGNETS.
Around the country thousands of children
are crying as their parents take away their beloved "Lucy Lead's Easy-Bake Magnet Ovens."
10 A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT DEER-HUNTING MAY BE HAZARDOUS FOR MEN WITH HEART DISEASE.
A related study showed that deer-hunting dramatically increased the risk of death for deer.
THINK YOU HAVE A BETTER JOKE? E-MAIL ME AT HAWKTOPICS@KANSAN.COM
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Chris Raine