40 | THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN WWW.KANSAN.COM | BACK TO SCHOOL | MONDAY, AUGUST 13, 2007
PARENTS (CONTINUED FROM 39)
introduced to curfews. At school, she could stay out as long as she wanted, but when she went home she was surprised that her parents got upset after she returned home a couple of hours later than she had told them she would. Fortunately, she's reached a compromise with her parents. "They get concerned that something has happened to me," Hartman says. "The rule now is I just have to call, say where I am, who I'm with and let them know I'm going to be late. I feel that if that's all I have to change, than I can deal with that."
Set boundaries
Besides wanting to know when you'll be home, parents often try to find out the basics of their child's life. Christina Gekas, Eden Prairie, Minn., senior, says she was
often frustrated by her mom's attempts to find out about the boys in her life, even turning to her brother to find out more information.
When parents take a stern stance again a college student's wishes, disputes can happen. Both sides need to understand that the process is difficult for everyone involved.
To avoid possible resentment from parents,keep in mind that they are having a difficult time as well.
Although it's good to keep parents updated on some things in your life, it's
also important to establish boundaries to your conversations. "One of the most important things to remember is to not lash out at your parents because you're frustrated," Medea says. "In the end, lashing out only invites more unwelcome questions and therefore you don't get what you want." Instead, she suggests responding respectfully by saying that the question was too personal and decline to answer. "This causes parents to do a double take," Medea says. "It's a very adult thing to do."
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criticizes or accuses their parents of doing something wrong, their parents get defensive and a fight begins. An alternative way to deal with the situation is to demand their respect but also remind them that you still need their input, King says. It's important to make sure they know you don't want to get rid of them.
It's hard for them, too
To avoid possible resentment from parents, keep in mind that they are having a difficult time as well. Susan Schwartz, Memphis, Tenn., junior, says that her dad often sends her a text message to see if she can talk. If she doesn't respond, he'll call and if she doesn't pick up, he sends another text message. Although she explains that sometimes she doesn't want to be
Arguments are inevitable when families are adjusting to you being away from home. If an argument does happen, it's good to sit down with your parents and lay down some ground rules of what you will and will not talk about with them. If you prepare ahead of time, it decreases the possibility of your parents asking random questions, says Ed Bloch, a clinical social worker and therapist. Explain to your parents that although you still love them, you need to be able to build relationships with your peers because they are the ones who ultimately will support you while you're at school, he says.
In these situations, it's important to avoid coming off as critical, King says. If someone blames
disturbed, she says she realizes that her parents don't see her every day and have a right to worry. Often times when students feel hounded by their parents, they can become frustrated and avoid
contact with their parents.
When I began to withdraw, my mom started to pop up everywhere. She joined Facebook, MySpace and even Xanga, often leaving messages for me and even my friends. I began to feel digitally claustrophobic. I couldn't escape her presence and unfortunately, it made me avoid her even more than I had before.
It wasn't until a couple of months ago when I was talking to her on the phone that she said, "All I want is to feel like I'm part of your life, but you never call me anymore."
Her words stung me because before I had felt that she was the problem. She was too intrusive, She was overbearing. But after she said those words, I realized that I had neglected her.
If you are like me and have been guilty of avoiding your parents when they begin to become more intrusive, there are some ways to reassure them that you still want them in your life. First of all, push them for time. This may seem crazy considering they already seem intrusive, but spending quality time alone with your parents can help give you some space. Medea suggests taking mom out for breakfast or helping dad fix the car. During your time together you can
tell them what's going on in your life while asking them questions as well. This not only eases their
fears about what you're up to, but also shows them that you're mature enough to have adult conversations.
Gekas says that during her first years of college her mom expressed worry
that their relationship was becoming more distant. At the time, Gekas was confused because they talked frequently. She says she realized later that her responses to her mom's questions were often one word and without substance. "If
"If there's not quality in your conversations, it's worthless."
CHRISTINA GEKAS Eden Prairie, Minn., senior
there's not quality in your conversation, it's worthless," she says. Now she makes a point to expand upon her answers to create more meaningful conversation.
Parents want
what's best for their children, often finding it hard to let go when they still question themselves on whether they did a good job raising us.
They have become accustomed to having control. The thought of losing that and allowing their children to run their own lives can leave them with fear for their child's future, King says.
Pam Allen, a clinical social worker in Topeka, says that parents want so much for their child to do well that it sometimes hurts the relationship. "Parents struggle with trusting their children to make the right decision," she says. "Sometimes the fear can be so big that it puts a barrier in the relationship."
Besides worrying about you, par-
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