MONDAY, AUGUST 13, 2007 | BACK TO SCHOOL | WWW.KANSAN.COM THE UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS 139
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Arguments between parents and their children are common when the children become college students and either move out or move back into their parents' home. Avoiding these arguments can be as simple as opening up and listening to the other side.
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PARENTS (CONTINUED FROM 38)
without Going Crazy. The best way
Many arguments begin because the returning student feels he must pust away in order to prove his indepen-
y. The best way to do this is by showing your parents how you've matured.
"Be mindful not to fall back into old habits," Medea says. "When you do this, you'll have a harder time convincing your parents that you've grown up." Don't refuse
to pick up your dirty clothes or address your parents in a whiney tone when they're upset with you. Doing this will only make your parents treat you like a 14-year-old. Instead, address your parents in a deeper, more adult tone. This will surprise the parent and help them realize you've grown up and matured, Medea says.
Many arguments begin because the returning student feels he must push away in order to prove his independence, often causing tension in the household. "It's a hard transition for families," says Jeff King, a marriage and family therapist in Lawrence. "Parents don't know if they still have authority or
if they should act as their child's peer." This uncertainty can often
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A lack or abundance of phone calls may cause both sides to distance themselves.
create apprehension in the family.
Unwanted advice
The problems between my mom and I arose about a year after I moved out. I had recently begun dating a guy who lived in my dorm. Because I hadn't dated in the past, it was a new experience for both of us. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing something that I wanted to keep to myself. Almost immediately after discussing my
new relationship with my mom, I started receiving several e-mails a day.
The subject lines included "making a relationship last" and "the fundamentals of dating," among other things. 1
"If your parents call 12 times a day, your tendency may be to distance, which causes your parents anxiety."
knew she was trying to be helpful, but it made me feel like I was being told what to do. I had turned to her in the past for advice, but in this situation, I really just wanted to figure out the relationship on my own. This was a very confusing time for her because, in the past, I had told her everything that was on my mind and all of a sudden I
HARRIET LERNER
Author
was more guarded.
Adjusting to new ways of communication can be difficult for both parents and their children. "It's a process of growing up and re-negotiating the most important relationships of your life," says Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger: A Women's Guide to Changing Patterns of Intimate Relationships. "When you go home, it's an anxious time. If your mother manages anxiety by giving advice, she will do it more."
Avoid distancing
I never knew howtohandle the advice I received from my mom. Eventually, I stopped returning many of her phone calls and didn't reply to her e-mails. But
isolating yourself from your parents only makes the problem worse. "If your parents call 12 times a day, your tendency may be to distance, which causes your parents anxiety," Lerner says. "If your parents are being intrusive, the challenge is to be clear about what is best for you without being emotionally distancing."
Instead of getting mad, Lerner suggests approaching the situation with humor. She recommends saying something like, "Mom, you're acting like the American Red Cross here. Do I look like I need rescuing?" After this is done, parents usually back off. It's a way to set personal boundaries.
Check in
When I went home for summer breaks, my parents usually wanted to know what time I would get back from a night out with my friends. When I was a child, I felt that it was all right for them to wait up for me and worry, but now that I was on my own, I felt these questions were unreasonable.
Andrea Crawford, Overland Park senior, had a similar experience. "I don't get a lot of independence when I go home," she says. "I can't really go out anywhere very late because my parents can't sleep until I get back." Parents want to know their child is safe, but the questions they asked when their child still lived at home are no longer appropriate for a college student.
Lizzie Hartman, Shawnee freshman, has also experienced the shock of coming home and being re-
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