CONTACT
❤️
DIPLOMATIC DISCUSSIONS
WHEN CONFLICTS ARISE, TALK YOUR WAY TO A CIVIL SOLUTION
// ALEXANDRA ESPOSITO
Dana Diec was on a date with her boyfriend and two other couples. While the other couples were laughing and holding hands, Diec's boyfriend seemed cold and distant. She didn't know what was wrong.
EFFECTIVE EXPRESSION
In order to express a conflict without starting an argument, approach the situation tactfully and calmly, says John Wade, psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS). According to Wade, research shows that the way a conversation begins sets the tone for the rest of the conversation, especially in relationships. "If it's a sensitive topic, start it up gently and not in an antagonistic manner," Wade says. "If you construct things in a softened way, [the conversation] is likely to continue in that direction."
Let's say you're worried about a friend whose going out habits are negatively affecting the rest of his life. How can you tactfully approach this
Good communication is vital to any relationship. In the time you spend interacting with friends, co-workers, family members and significant others, conflicts like Diec's are unavoidable. It's important to be able to express how you're feeling in a civil way, and in return, listen to people who need to share a feeling with you.
Diec, WaKeeny senior, tried to ignore her boyfriend's standoffish behavior, until the ride home when she confronted him. He explained that he was not upset, but just felt uncomfortable because he didn't know the other couples as well as she did "I listened to his side of the story, then made it clear he made me feel like he was mad and ignoring me, when it was entirely something else," Diec says."After talking about it, I wasn't mad anymore."
Chris Sowa, assistant director for residence life at the University, who received his master's in organizational and multi-cultural communications, says communication has three components: the person who sends the message, the person who receives the message and the message itself. When these pieces work together, resolving a conflict is simple.
conversation? Wade suggests speaking to this person when they're in a good mood so they'll be more likely to listen. Make sure you both have ample time to devote to the conversation, as it could take a while and shouldn't be rushed. When you begin the conversation, avoid labeling your friend with statements like, "You're an alcoholic," or "You party too much." Labels appear as an attack, and your friend can dismiss them and end the conversation or argue. Instead, state the issue from a position of concern and express observable behavior rather than your opinion, says Wade. Use statements like, "I'm concerned because you've been sleeping through your morning classes," or "I've noticed you've been really tired lately. I'm concerned."
Listen up: When discussing a sensitive subject, be a good listener by using cues such as shaking your head and keeping eye contact with the person speaking.
Photo illustration by Jerry Wang
When having a conversation, remember that listening to how your message is received is
Now it's your turn to act as the listener and give your friend a chance to explain what's going on. Maybe they're stressed about school, or they're upset about something that's happening at home. If this is the case, suggest the services available at CAPS (an appointment costs most students $15.)
ACTIVE LISTENING
just as important as expressing the message. "Really have in mind that the goal is to listen equally well," Wade, the CAPS psychologist, says. "Good communication is where both people feel understood."
It's important to show the person you're speaking to that you're listening because "listeners also send messages by the way they act while receiving the message," Sowa, the residence life assistant director, says. He suggests using active listening cues like shaking your head and keeping eye contact with the person speaking. Listeners can also
paraphrase, or tell the story back to the speaker and "fact check" to make sure they understood the message. If you don't get it, ask the speaker to clarify, because if you don't understand what they're saying, you will not be able to fix the problem.
Sometimes your emotions get the best of you, and you may forget these discussion skills. But hope is not lost. To recover from a communication blunder, Wade says to apologize and accept responsibility for what you said. Then re-explain, in a civil way, what you meant to express and start the conversation over.
DIGITAL DISCUSSION
It's easy to use technology to communicate, but is it an appropriate medium for resolving a conflict? The experts weigh in:
JOHN WADE [psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services];
"There are a lot of situations where things are misinterpreted through text or Facebook. Seventy percent of communication is non-verbal, and all of that is missed through texts or anything electronic."
CHRIS SOWA [assistant director for residence life];
"I think [technology] is appropriate, because it's happening, so to totally not do it is probably not realistic. You can type in a smile and say, 'you really pissed me off today,' but that really says, 'you angered me and I'm softening the blow.' Instead of trying to minimize the emotion, do it in person so the conversation and emotion can flow naturally."
the Miner House, the largest item in Dennis Dailey's history collection. The house, built in 1858, was never meant to draw attention, and is perhaps why it survives as one of the areas only remnants of the Underground Railroad.
A barn and open landscape, unorthodox in the modern suburban setting, testify to the legacy of this historic site.
The Miller House, 1111 E. 19th St., served as a hideout for escaped slaves, a pit stop for Quantrill and his band of raiders and, now, is home to retired professor Dennis Dalley and his wife.
"I've always had kind of an interest in history, just in general," Dailey said. "Like in college I was interested in history classes, but when we began to live in this home, it reeked of history. It just reeks of history and I became fascinated with that."
When anti-slavery activist Robert Miller moved his family to Lawrence from South Carolina they built a farmhouse that served as part of the Underground Railroad. Escaped slaves would hide in a treed area to the east known as Miller's Grove or sleep in the smokehouse before moving onto freedom.
"They found out about this place down at the visitor center or something and they just drive in. I go out and welcome them and tell them the story and it is absolutely astounding watching their experience at this place, tears — it's just amazing," Dailey said.
People still explore the Lawrence landmark today.
"In the summer, the trees get real full and there less people. You
many of the community's builds. But the residence has history with William Quarrell himself, a Confederate guerrilla leader.
"My kids will be living here. The foundation of this house is remarkably solid." Dailey said. "The work that we've just put into it to restore it, if people wanted to live here another 100 years they certainly could without any difficulty, no difficulty at all."
The barn outside the Miller House stands out in the modern suburban setting of today. The Miller House was built in 1858 and was a part of the Underground Railroad during the Civil War.
It was Quantrill's first stop on his way to Lawrence, revisiting the site after possibly scouting the community several weeks before.
"They fed him a meal. There's some evidence that he spent the night. In other words they befriended him, and he chose not to kill them." Dailey said.
Chris Neal/KANSAN
The Miller family lived at this residence for nearly 100 years before the house was sold to the Eller family and finally the Dailey's. Dailey said he hoped he could continue the legacy for another generation of Lawrence residents.
Quantrill's visit is well documented, even recounted in a letter written by William Miller years later that Dailey reads to visiting elementary school students, which he said gave him chills each time.
"So sometimes you're sitting here thinking, 'The man spent the night.' That's a little weird,' Dailley said.
Dailey and his wife replaced the entire west wall and restored the fireplace to its original visage as part of the many investments the couple has made to maintain their home's integrity.
ON
Edited by Marla Daniels
vees their time
begin their prison time
BY ALEX GARRISON agarrison@kansan.com
Two of the former Athletics employees convicted in a conspiracy to steal and re-sell at least $2 million in tickets have been sent to federal prisons following their sentencing in March.
TODAY
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Mostly Sunny
Kassie Liebsch, former systems analyst for the department, is serving her 37-month sentence in a minimum-security federal prison camp in Greenville, Ill.
Her projected release date, according the Bureau of Prisons' website, is Jan. 7, 2014.
Rodney Jones, former director of the Williams Fund, is spending his 46-month sentence in a minimumsecurity camp for men in El Reno, Okla. His expected release date is not listed.
FRIDAY
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Co-defendants in the case Charlette Blubaugh, former associate athletics director in charge of tickets, and her husband, Tom, a former consultant to the department, are still awaiting their detainment destinations. Charlette Blubaugh was sentenced to 57 months and Tom to 46 months.
Edited by Sarah Gregory
Sunny
8565
Junny
Forecasts by University students.
For a complete detailed forecast for the week
see page 2A.
INDEX
Classifieds ... 8A
Crossword ... 4A
Cryptoquips ... 4A
Opinion ... 5A
Sports ... 10A
Sudoku ... 4A
All contents, unless stated otherwise; © 2011 The University Daily Kansan
JOE'S BAKERY | 3A Keeping the light on for you
The iconic Joe's Bakery sign will be in the Hawk's Nest on the first floor of the Kansas Union.
V
Kansas Athletics Hall of Fame to include two new members in fall
A track and field star and a former baseball All-American are the two athletes chosen to be honored in September's induction ceremony.
AWARDS | 10A