KANSAN.COM / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / THURSDAY, MAY 5, 2011 / NEWS / 7A
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the lock when she was in the bathroom or shower—to control her, Kyle had to be near her.
Ashley looked forward to work as an opportunity away from Kyle. But soon, he began to appear and watched as she checked out groceries. He had to be escorted from the store after harassing Ashley and managers threatened to fire her if the problem continued.
One day, in order to escape Kyle's company, Ashley told him that she was working all day. She enjoyed a few carefree hours with friends before receiving a text message from her manager: "He knows you're not here."
"Where the hell have you been?" he shouts. "You fucking bitch."
Ashley walked into her apartment to find papers everywhere, a lamp smashed and the coffee table upended.
Kyle violently shoved his girlfriend and she met the drywall head first, causing the wall to cave in before she fell to the floor. As she staggered to her feet, Kyle began to feel guilty.
"Don't lie down," he said, helping her up on their bed. "You might have a concussion."
ENCE
- Making one afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- Smashing things, destroying her property
- Abusing pets
- Displaying weapons
- Luke would glare at Ashley when she behaved or dressed contrary to his ideas
ideas
- Kyle would frequently destroy Ashley's possession to frighten her
- Putting one down
- Making one feel bad about oneself
- Calling one names
- Making her think one is crazy
- Playing mind games
- Playing mind games
* Humiliating someone
- Making one feel guilty
- Tyler insulted and yelled at Megan, causing her to suffer from depression and anxiety
- Luke mocked Chloe's art and ridiculed her ambitions
Using isolation
Minimizing denying and blaming
- Controlling what one does, who one sees and talks to,what one reads, where one goes
- Limiting one's outside involvement
- Using良貌ous to justify actions
- Saying the victim caused it
- Tyler insulted and yelled at Megan, causing her to suffer from depression and anxiety
- Making light of the abuse and not taking one's concerns about it seriously
· Saying the abuse didn't happen
· Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
- Luke mocked Chloe's art and ridiculed her ambitions
- Fiito Garche minimized and denied his abuse against a former girlfriend to convince Mackey he was trustworthy
In June 2009 Ashley arrived at her apartment tired from a long day, hoping Kyle had forgotten about their shouting match while she was at work. But he hadn't..
Following each episode of violence, Kyle would apologize, but the peace after contraction was brief. Eventually, Ashley's self-esteem dwindled and she started drinking nearly every night to numb herself from Kyle's affronts.
"You've been cheating on me, whore," Kyle shouted.
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Enraged by her mockery, Kyle shoved her into the bathroom sink. Ashley tried
taliate and threw a punch, grazing his cheek. Kyle responded with a jab to her left eye.
Ashley hunched over in pain. If she fought back Kyle would react with more violence. She sat in the corner of the bathroom, crying.
to get away, but he threw her into the bathtub, tearing down the shower curtain before her head crashed into the tiled wall. Ashley stood up to re-
At work the next day, Ashley had to lie about her bruised face.
"I got elbowed during my softball game," Ashley said.
She needed to escape but had no peaceful place to stay. Ashley couldn't stay with her mother because her stepfather's abuse went far beyond punches. After beating her mother, it wasn't uncommon for Mark, her stepfather, to threaten their lives with a shotgun or knife.
Girls who witness their mothers being abused are "more likely to view violence as an integral part of intimate relationships and may show higher tolerance for dating relationships that are abusive", according to the National Criminal Justice Reference Service.
--put their hands on you once, it's going to happen again."
Ashley's co-workers began to notice signs of her abuse. They told her not to take it, to just leave him, but they didn't understand. She had no place to go.
She worried how to end the relationship without Kyle getting violent, but she had to stop the abuse even if that meant living in her car.
Despite her fear, she broke up with Kyle after three months of abuse and to her surprise, he calmly accepted. While at work the next day, he called Ashley acting as if nothing happened. She reminded him that she planned to move out that night and Kyle quickly became angry.
"I didn't think you were serious," Kyle said. "You can't leave me, I won't let you."
"I'm not doing this anymore." Ashley said.
"If you leave me, I will find you and I will kill you."
"I'm not coming home."
"You don't want to do this to me, Ashley. I'm setting all your stuff on fire — doubt me bitch."
She considered going home and taking the abuse for another month, but her manager at work stepped in.
"Break the cycle," he said.
On his advice, she had police present when she collected her belongings from the apartment. Kyle watched helplessly, fuming in anger. He asked to speak with Ashley in private, but police remained nearby.
"Why are you doing this — we can make it work." Kyle pleaded.
After she moved out and began staying with a friend, Kyle continued to call, harassing and threatening her. Ashley soon filed for a restraining order, prohibiting him from coming within 70 feet from her.
She changed her telephone number, but Kyle continued to show up at her work and attempted to get her fired. She would hide from him in the freezer until managers warned him they would call police. Eventually, she quit her job to cut off any chance of Kyle finding her.
Ashley is now working toward a nursing degree and dating another man who treats her well and supports her. She said she learned the hard way not to put up with emotional or physical abuse and to call police when violence erupts.
Megan and Tyler
When Megan met Tyler it took less than two weeks for their relationship to blossom. Trips to the lake, a common interest in music and Tyler's charisma made the idea of dating him seem natural. Neither minded the 10-year age difference — he was older — because they felt a connection.
"Don't wait," Ashley said. "If they
Tyler moved in with Megan after two months of dating and soon she began to see signs of a different man. The stress of getting
used to a new roommate contributed,
but the six or more beers he drank
each night didn't help.
estic and Sexual Violence
"You're a fucking bitch" Tyler would say. "You're ruining my life"
After a night of drinking, Tyler's mood would change quickly. Before long he was shouting at Megan to get his point across.
The day after a night of binge drinking, Tyler would become apologetic. Megan would forgive, but not forget.
"I'm sorry, baby," Tyler said. "It won't happen again."
But it did. Six beers a night turned into 12. As the drinking increased, so too did the verbal and emotional abuse.
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, two-thirds of victims of intimate partner violence reported that alcohol consumption was a factor in their abuse.
Megan said at first Tyler's verbal attacks didn't affect her much. She blamed alcohol for fueling Tyler's temper. When sober, Tyler was kind and considerate.
Eventually, his words began to sap her confidence and eroded her self-esteem.
"When you hear something every day you kind of do start to believe it," Megan said.
Soon, Megan's history of depression and anxiety became a problem once again, provoked by his drunken tirades. She experienced panic attacks that occurred frequently.
"Yeah," Megan said. "I'm fine."
Before a class during the fall semester of 2009, Megan's heart began pounding uncontrollably. Her vision grew blurry and she suddenly became dizzy. After experiencing shortness of breath she retreated to a restroom where a woman entered and asked if she was OK.
She's not alone in experiencing the mental health effects of domestic violence. According to the American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence, 37 percent of battered women suffer from symptoms of depression and 46 percent experience anxiety disorders.
But she wasn't fine. Emotional abuse was taking a toll on her psyche. The depression and severe anxiety manifested itself through her shaking hands and racing pulse. Paramedics arrived shortly after to assist Megan with her breathing.
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Megan rarely opened up to anyone about Tyler's abuse, including her therapist. Megan said she felt that because Tyler never left a mark, his behavior wasn't really abuse.
"He didn't give me a black- eye, he didn't send me to the ER, so maybe it's not that big of deal," Megan said she thought then.
A month after they began living together, Megan helped find her jobless boyfriend some work. With outstanding DUI warrants and two children from a former relationship, Tyler's job had to be tax-free, under-the-table money to avoid jail time, fines and thousands in back child support.
Megan persuaded her best friend, Carrie, to get Tyler work on her father's farm. Tyler worked at least eight hours a day balling hay, working in the fields and spending time with Carrie — too much time. A friend told Megan that the two might be having an affair.
"When I confronted him about it, he said I was crazy and paranoid," Megan said.
Megan's suspicions grew after seeing text messages between the two. She drove to Carrie's house and asked what was going on with Tyler. Carrie admitted that the two were involved.
She sped back to her apartment and began packing up his things. Without warning him, Megan drove into the night toward Tyler's parents' house to
SEE ABUSE ON PAGE 8A