\/ NEWS / THURSDAY, MAY 5, 2011 / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / KANSAN.COM
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ABUSE (CONTINUED FROM 1A)
If her hair was down or he could see Chloe's bra through a shirt he would scowl at her. She learned quickly that wearing form-fitting shirts and jeans angered him and he would react with an insult or painful twist of her arm.
"You look like a slut," he would say.
She began to wear sweatpants, baggy T-shirts and was forbidden from wearing shorts. Even after changing her fashion, he would still find her appearance unacceptable.
To please him,
she wore her hair in a ponytail and avoided make-up.
The thought that someone might see Luke's girl-
Despite ranking fifth in population size, Douglas County had the highest amount of violated protection orders statewide in 2009.
—KANSAS BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
friend as pretty was reason enough to manipulate her.
"I lost all my femininity and that was how he wanted it" Chloe said.
His control in high school continued after they became KU students. If she spoke with anyone, especially a man, he would question her about the details. Chloe sacrificed friends and social life so Luke would know where she was at all times. He isolated her from others, justifying his actions with iealousy.
One night, Chloe was driving with Luke sitting in the passenger seat, seething with anger. He broke up with her hours before because she had straightened her hair and worn mascara. Suddenly, Luke snapped. He punched Chloe across the jaw, causing her to swerve and nearly lose control of the car.
They both began to cry, and Luke said, "Why do you hurt me like this?"
She was used to Luke blaming her for his outbursts, but how could he be the victim if blood was seeping from her mouth.
"I got elbowed while dancing," she lied.
The next day Chloe had to explain her bruised face and fat lip to parents and extended family.
Deceit was common while she dated Luke. His promises of marriage and a future with children kept Chloe hoping that one day they could live together in peace.
--to shout at her. When she calmly described her plan, it only provoked his fury.
She was ready to become who Luke wanted her to be. She abandoned friends, gave up her art, changed her style and accepted his blame. In return she expected his love, but instead she received his abuse.
Chloe said she worried about riding the bus or elevator because if a man would speak with her, she would have to explain herself to Luke.
"Being friendly to someone was flirting." Chloe said.
Without Luke in her life she would be alone. She was willing to keep him happy by surrendering her hobbies as a talented sketch-artist and photographer. When she found joy outside of Luke, it created problems and he would limit her expression with a barrage of insults.
If he went to parties or out with friends, he would expect her to stay at the dorm and pick him up afterward. Once he got in the car, the questioning began.
After a day of classes in the fall of 2008, Chloe excitedly went to Luke's dorm to tell him that she applied to study abroad. She sat next to him on the bed, explaining the program in
"Where have you been? Who were you with," Luke would shout. "I don't believe you."
Soon into their freshman year at KU, Luke turned to alcohol to vent frustration. A casual beer turned into binge drinking. After a night of drinking, he would become angry or depressed and would threaten suicide to keep Chloe close.
"The more often it happens, the less time the cycle takes to complete itself and the more severe the outbreak of violence may be," Wells said.
"If you ever leave me, I'll drink myself to death." Luke said.
After he hit Chloe, their relationship would enter what psychologists refer to as the calm, or "honeymoon" stage of the abusive cycle. The two disregarded the violence until the tension grew and Luke beat her again. The sequence repeated for nearly five years.
Domestic Violence Center, said that an abusive relationship becomes increasingly dangerous as it continues.
When she brought up her career plans and interest in art, Luke would mock her ambitions. He said her art was worthless, a waste of time. If she mentioned it again, a slap across the face would remind Chloe of his disapproval.
"Why would you make me do that," he would say. "I don't want to do that."
Spain, aware that he intended to travel elsewhere. She hoped he would understand her dream to visit the coast of Barcelona. He didn't.
Luke grew upset and began
Barb Wells, therapist at the Willow
He threw her to the floor, hands clasped tightly around her neck.
When he finally released her, she gasped for air and crawled away. The two began to cry and Chloe staggered to her feet. She walked toward the door, but he hurried to stop her.
"I'm really sorry," Luke said.
"No. I'm sorry," she replied, hugging the man she loved.
"It's going to get better, I promise."
He swore that one day soon he wouldn't have to hurt her. That they would live near the water, raise a family and teach their children to sail — the dreams Chloe always held onto.
--vicious abuse. The two began dating after they met at a concert and she moved in with a friend of his.
Chloe continued to date Luke, changing nearly everything about herself to please him. He would comment on other girls, saying how beautiful they were and how hed like to sleep with them.
Chloe noticed that those women differed from what he insisted she look like.
"They were the tall blondes who wore makeup and had fashionable things," Chloe said. "I had a sense of fashion before he took it away from me."
Near the beginning of the 2009 spring semester, the couple was talking when Luke accused her of cheating.
- "No, I would never do that," Chloe said.
"Well, I have," he replied.
Her own anger gave her confidence. She stood up and faced him as he listed three different women, one of whom was a former friend of hers. For the first time in their relationship, Chloe's rage pushed her to assert herself.
"Fuck this, fuck you," Chloe said.
She slapped him across the face and stormed from the room.
Despite his insults, manipulation and abuse, she was devastated. Chloe hated the thought of being an ignorant girlfriend whose boyfriend cheated, used and beat her. She avoided his contact for days then broke up with him later that week.
Without the domineering presence of Luke, Chloe made up for lost time. She quickly joined a tight-knit group of friends, began to draw again and bought a new camera. She created a Facebook page, which Luke forbid her from having, and within a day received an insulting message from him—"delete."
--vicious abuse. The two began dating after they met at a concert and she moved in with a friend of his.
Chloe also made a close friend, David, who kept in contact with her as she visited the Barcelonan coast. After she returned from traveling, the two began dating. He would be one of the first to know about her experiences with abuse.
Life without Luke was liberating. She used art to express herself and eventually switched majors to art and design, a move that Chloe said would have infuriated him.
While she's concerned that the effects of her abuse may eventually catch up with her, she remains positive and hopes to empower others who are victims like she was.
"You're not the only one," Chloe said. "If someone would've said 'you're beautiful and worthwhile' it would've had more of an effect on me than just 'you can get help.'"
Ashley and Kyle
Ironically, Ashley met Kyle only because she had fled from her mother's home to escape her stepfather's
But early on in her new relationship, Kyle's anger began to show. He would spy on her calls and look through her text messages, trying to find Ashley being unfaithful. If a male friend contacted her, Kyle would call him back, cursing with threats.
"Getting a call from anyone, even my family, he'd get jealous," Ashley said.
One day, Ashley came home to find Kyle moving boxes into her apartment. She didn't want to continue dating after she saw him lash out, but now Kyle was going to live with her.
After moving himself in, Kyle became more controlling. He questioned Ashley about where she shed been, who shed seen and the couple often argued about his possessiveness. Soon, Kyle began to isolate Ashley from her friends and family, using guilt to keep her home.
Kyle would follow her everywhere; around the apartment, while running errands and exercising. Hed even pick
AND CONTR
is a tool to demonst abusers use to mai over their partner. D violence centers use plaining abuse to suu The former boyfriend Megan and Jana us methods to obtain po their relati
VIOL
Using coercion and threats
- Making and/or threats to do something to hurt one
- Threatening to leave one,to commit suicide
- Making one drug charges
- Making one do illegal things
Using economic abuse
- Luke coerced Chloe to stay in their relationship with suicide threats
- Preventing one from getting or keeping a job
- Giving one an allowance
- Taking one money
- Tyler threatened to murder Megan several times
- Not letting one know about or have access to family income
- Kyle harassed Ashley while working and attempted to get her fired from her job
Using male privilege
- Treating one like a servant
- Making all the big decisions
- Acting like the master of the castle
- Being the one to decline men's and women's rules
- Kyle would define gender roles and tell Ashley what to do because she's a woman
Using children
- Making one feel guilty
- Using children to relay messages
- None had children
The National Center on Do
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