THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
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opinion
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Osama is dead. This means that girls on campus tomorrow should show off their boobies.
Donald Trump wants Osama's death certificate.
Why is Facebook the first thing people turned to when bin Laden was killed?
Osama is dead. So you can run and tell that, run and tell that, homeboy, home, home, homeboy.
The good news: bin Ladin is dead. The bad news: He might get re-elected.
Where are Waldo and Carmen Sandiego, America?
Wearing an American flag shirt and drinking PBR in my truck bed.
Can't wait to find out where they bury him. I'm gonna move there and crap on his grave every morning.
Osama is dead. Batman has no jurisdiction.
Breaking news: bin Laden killed by Harry Potter. Obama now in possession of the Elder Wand.
Pick-up line from an American soldier: "Yeah, I killed Osama."
MONDAY,MAY 2,2011
Obama > Osama
HEADSHOT!
This is more exciting than winning the national championship!
We'll put a boot in your ass.It's the 'merican way!
Mixed feelings: bin Laden's dead, but I DVRed "Celebrity Apprentice" and the coverage is playing over it.
So can I skip getting my personal junk manhandled at the airport now?
All the FFAs for Monday will rightly be about America. And who said patriotism is dead?
And that's how the U.S. outdoes a royal wedding.
Hey, anyone hear Osama died?
Who wants to party?!
I like Facebook right now. It's like a patriotic orgy.
Gotcha, bitch!
Listening to Dio while hearing about Osama bin Laden's death. Stand up and shout!
I'm playing "I'm Proud To Be An American" and "Party In The USA" simultaneously right now. So amazingly good!
So can we travel with big shampoo again?
Obama's speeches are going to be really short from now on."I got Osama. Vote for me. God Bless America."
English joke of the day: The only thing Osama is laden with now is LEAD. (See what I did there?)
Reacting to breaking news about bin Laden
CULTURE
For whichever reasons — which I'll leave for psychologists to diagnose — I hate unexpected notices, messages or news. Pretty much anything that is sudden and important. Like calls from family members, especially from my mother or sister, at a time that doesn't seem right. My mind jumps to hospitals and car wrecks.
Last night, while sitting on my couch doing homework, CNN interrupted my studious mind with breaking news. Why this caught my interest. I have no idea. Isn't everything breaking news these days?
The news: the president would be making a statement at 10:30 p.m.
My mind went racing, and the reports were fueling my doomsday thinking. The pundits said things like "extraordinary" and "can't overstate the magnitude of this event." For a while, all that could be said was that the address would be about "national security."
Could it involve developments in Iran? Would we increase our involvement in Libya? My stomach could not take another war, especially from this president. our Nobel Peace Prize-winning president.
BY D.M. SCOTT dmscott@kansan.com
Wolf Blitzer stammered on and on about how he thought he knew what the address would be about but couldn't confirm and didn't want to speculate.
Then, CBS broke the mystery: Osama bin Laden was dead.
(As a newsie, this was interesting to watch. CBS broke the story on the Internet, while CSI: Everywhere was showing on its television channel. It has out in front, as Blitzer keep repeating his "I can't confirm" mantra.)
My mind processed the news. It resembled closure but not fully. I couldn't quite muster the tears of joy.
Then I really reflected.
I was done with homework for the night. I sat back and watched the president's press conference and then the thousands of people gathering outside the White House who chanted "USA, USA, USA."
Nothing can bring back those feelings I felt on 9/11 and the days and weeks that followed. Our country was unified in grief and anger, a toxic mix. The images will never go away: the Twin Towers attacked and falling down, the New Yorkers running away from the debris, the vigils and the friends and family members holding the photographs of missing loved ones.
That last image still gets me. Pretty soon, many of those names scrolled the bottom of our television sets as civilian casualties in a new form of war, ones that we will probably never see an end.
Sept. 11 brought me to tears. I cried more than once for the more than 3,000 people that died on the day, people whom I did not know. I didn't understand my emotions, but I knew that I was grief-stricken. The first-responders were heroes like I had never known. Like many others, I thought about joining the military or becoming a firefighter. But for whatever reason, I didn't. My life moved on.
George W. Bush said he wanted Osama bin Laden "dead or alive." Most of us wanted him dead. Last night "Justice has been done," as the president said. I can only hope that this brings solace to those who lost loved ones on 9/11 or in the war that has ensured because of it.
I've never been a chanter, but USA,
USA, USA. . .
D. M. Scott is a senior from Overland Park majoring in journalism. He is the opinion editor.
GUEST COMMENTARY
All classes, in all schools should be open to all students
As a student at the University of Kansas, one would expect a multitude of opportunities to study anything you wish. But what if a student is not sure what she wants to study? Can she just take a few elective courses in a variety of areas to broaden her horizons?
Yes, but only to an extent. She cannot take any class offered only to students enrolled in a specific school. The University should require that each school offer at least one basic level course that is open to all students.
The University offers more than 190 majors within the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences and the University's 13 schools. The problem comes when a student isn't sure if she wants to study architecture or art. If a student wishes to take a course offered by the School of Architecture for instance, she must either be admitted to the school, or she must obtain the dean's approval to take even a basic class in architecture.
This can even be a problem for students who know what they want to study. University policy states that of the 124 undergraduate credit hours required to obtain a bachelor's degree, 68 must be taken at the CLAS. The remaining 56 credit hours are determined by the requirements of the major chosen. Most of these majors allow between 15 and 25 credit hours
to be elective hours. So, if a student is enrolled in the School of Architecture, she has 21 credit hours available outside of her required classes for electives. If she wants to take a drawing class from the School of Art, she must either minor in art, or receive the express permission from the dean of the art school to enroll.
These classes are closed to most students to avoid over crowding the class with non-majors ensuring that the students majoring in a subject area are able to take the required classes in a timely manner. That is all great, but the University should offer a basic level class open to all students and a more in depth class for those seeking the major. If all 13 schools offered open enrollment in one or two basic level courses, students would be more able to explore the educational opportunities available at the University.
College students are told several times throughout their college careers to take advantage of the massive number of experts in more than 190 areas of study available to them as a student of the University. How can students do this if they are not allowed to take the courses they want to take?
Geldhof is a senior in journalism from Kansas City, Kan.
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HUMOR
Students, read this column if you want to live
Throughout the years, I have used this space to warn you, the reader, about various dangers that threaten our lifestyles, livelihoods and indeed our very lives. And I'm the first one to admit that just about all of these warnings have turned out to be false alarms. Elderly people haven't gone on crime sprees, anti-Thanksgiving turkeys haven't violently overthrown the American government and KFC's Double Down sandwich didn't kill America. I understand if you want to label me as some sort of unreliable, sensationalist lunatic.
Recently, the greater Pittsburgh area has been invaded by ninjas, with two separate instances of rogue ninjary in the last few weeks alone. One was reportedly breaking into cars using a sword, while another left his four-year old unattended at 1:30 a.m. to prowl the streets in all black, demonstrating a true dedication to his craft above all things.
But you have to believe me when I say this: The ninjas are coming.
BY ALEX NICHOLS anichols@kansan.com
Look, I know that I don't have the best track record when it comes to predicting imminent doom. But if you were ever going to listen to me, listen to me right now. You are going to need to protect yourself from these ninjas. They are deadly, and they are coming here, soon.
So why should you be concerned? Well, as we all know, most trends in Lawrence originate from Pittsburgh. (This is why Jefferson's closed to make room for a steel mill.) Before long, they'll migrate to Massachusetts Street and menace the citizens of our fine town with their lethal combination of stealth and skill.
Luckily for you, I am about to finish my degree in ninjaology and therefore know exactly how you can defend yourself from these ruthless night stalkers. Take my advice, or leave it: It's your neck that'll get snapped.
DON'T BE AFRAID
Ninjas can smell fear from a mile away. They can also smell blood, flopp sweat, and morning breath. This is because they train in Tibet, where they drink tea through their noses and have their nasal hairs groomed by Liam Neeson. To deter ninjas from attacking you, slather yourself in wet garbage. (Ninjas hate the smell of wet garbage.)
DRESS LIKE A NINJA
DRESS LIKE A NINJA Ninjas have a very strict honor code and may not attack one of their own under any circumstances, unless it is in self-defense or they just like it. The downside is that your disguise will attract the attention of the police and small children, who will both annoy you with dumb questions about your
PARADOXES ARE YOUR FRIEND
Not unlike robots, ninjas will self-destruct if you say anything that defies logic, such as "I've noticed how good you are at blending in with your surroundings." They will also explode if you make passive-aggressive comments about their figures. ("That's a good look for you; black is very slimming.)"
sword.
AVOID DARK, SHADY AREAS AT NIGHT
Ninjas tend to lurk in the shadows, waiting to pounce on unwitting victims without warning. If you must walk outside at night, light yourself on fire first. That way, your immediate surroundings will always be well-lit. Plus, ninjas won't be able to attack you without
getting severely burned. (Ninjas hate getting severely burned.)
Nichols is a senior from Stilwell in creative writing.
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THE EDITORIAL BOARD
THE EDITORIAL BOARD
Members of the Kansan Editorial Board are Nick Gerik, Michael Holtz, Kelly Strode, D.M. Scott and Mandy Matney.
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