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THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN WWW.KANSAN.COM Opinion WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2008
OPINION
ADVICE
Jayhawk dirty talk
Hi Peter,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. I love him, and I love having sex with him, but I feel like his sex drive is ridiculous! He wants it multiple times a day, every day, and if I am doing something on my own that doesn't involve us having sex he is offended. He has low self esteem and thinks because I don't want sex constantly, I'm not attracted to him. I just don't know how to explain to him that I don't NEED sex every day without hurting his feelings. It gets really frustrating because the only "excuse" he will accept is if I'm on my period.
All other aspects of our relationship are fine. I just think it's unfair for him to expect this of me. He's horny all the time, and I'm just...not. What can I do?
-Victim of a Ridiculous Sex Drive
Dear VRSD,
You are 100 percent right. It is unfair of him to expect you to cater to his every sexual desire and even more unfair to become offended if you don't. Know that it is not uncommon for partners to have different levels of sexual desire. From what I can tell you are a perfectly normal woman. If you weren't willing to have sex at all, that would be unusual, but since you are obviously willing (just not to the extent that your partner is) you're fine.
I asked Lawrence Sex Therapist Dennis Detweiler about your situation and he had some interesting things to say.
"It looks like he's using sex to meet some of his own needs for validation and affirmation of himself as a man and as a sexual being and that he gets mad and upset not at not having sex, but at risking losing that validation and that will kill the relationship eventually," Detweiler said. "They're heading in a direction where sex is going to become less frequent and less good in terms of
quality, instead of more."
Don't give in to your boyfriend. Hold your ground and don't have sex with him if you don't feel like it. You will only be adding to the problem by reenforcing his behavior. On the bright side, you already have a stand by "excuse." If you don't feel like having sex, you can just say that you have been having really sporadic periods lately and he has called at the wrong time(s) of the month. Just hope his desires don't decide that taking a ride on the crimson wave is better than a break from sex. Really though, you should tell him the truth. Be very gentle in the way you address this issue, because this will be a very sensitive subject for him. Luckily, this isn't the worst thing you could be having a heart to heart with your boyfriend about. Thankfully, you are already aware of his low self-esteem.
Peter is a Shawnee sophomore in journalism.
I am not telling you that it's your job to fix his self-esteem issues,but if you are willing to be there for him and help him realize there are ways of validating himself other than sex, your relationship will be stronger because of it.
Love is a powerful thing. It is the greatest thing in the world and should be preserved. Your situation is one that I am sure many women (and even men) find themselves in. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him that you love him and only go to bed with him when you really want to. I'm sure that this is something you can work out with a little communication.
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