LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP
Find out what you're getting into before you say, 'I do... want to live with you.'
by Matthew Foster
Choosing an apartment and signing a lease gets a little complicated when your roommate-to-be is also your honey. Though some disagree, these two couples say they believe trying out the waters before marriage is a good idea.
Ric Rosenfield,Cheshire,Conn.,graduate student, moved to Lawrence three years ago to continue a two-year relationship with his now fiancé, Meg Williams, Clifton Park, N.Y., graduate student. Rosenfield says he was living the basic bachelor lifestyle of eating out every day and drinking when Williams graduated from college and said, "I'm moving to Kansas. Do you want to come?"
"We were at a point in our relationship where he was going to move here with me or that was it." "Williams says." "We didn't
even discuss him living in a different apartment."
Moving to the middle of the country where they didn't know anybody was stressful, and Rosenfield and Williams say it was nice they had each other to rely on. Compared to moving to Lawrence, the transition to living together went
When deciding to cohabitate, Lerner suggests couples consider the advice of others, but says expert opinion and research can't determine what's best for the individual. Individuals in a relationship need to do some soul searching and take the decision seriously, recognizing that the relationship will be more difficult to get out of once they are living together, she says.
able to renegotiate these and other issues over time.
smoothly. Williams says that the only issues that arose after the couple moved in together were everyday concerns, such as housework.
The "couple's contract" is often unspoken, says Harriet Lerner, clinical psychologist and author of The Dance of Anger. Couples living under the same roof, whether they are married or not, have a host of complex issues to navigate that range from when to eat dinner or have sex to responsibility for household chores, she says. Couples do best when they are
The number of unmarried couples living together increased tenfold between 1960 and 2000 and increased 72 percent between 1990 and 2000, according to the Alternative to Marriage Project. Williams and Rosenfield, who will marry later this month, say they occasionally discussed issues such as monogamy but never sat down and formally laid out a framework for their live-in relationship.
"Living together is an important decision which should reflect your deepest values, priorities and desires, along with your best thinking," Lemer says."Living together before marriage is a great idea for many couples and not for others."
"LIVING TOGETHER IS AN IMPORTANT DECISION WHICH SHOULD REFLECT YOUR DEEPEST VALUES, PRIORITIES AND DESIRES, ALONG WITH YOUR BEST THINKING."
HARRIET LERNER, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
A. J. Henry, Topeka sophomore, says it only makes sense that people choose to live together before jumping into marriage because views on the subject have changed.
"Now it's a little bit different,and if you have the opportunity to live with someone before
you spend the rest of your life living with them, then why not try it out," he says.
Kelsey Cline, Lawrence sophomore, and Henry will move in together this summer. The couple met during their freshman year and say their relationship has progressed over the last year and a half to a point where they practically already live together, so life won't be all that different. It will just be simpler and make more economic sense.
"I feel like it'll be the same." Cline says. "It's just that we'll be sleeping in the same house and bedroom every night."
Cline and Henry say moving in together is the only place their relationship can go at this point. They see living together as a way to test whether they are as compatible as they seem to be and avoid making a mistake that could lead to divorce.
"Marriage is a huge thing," Cline says, "and if I get into a situation like that, I don't want to end up another divorce statistic."
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION/ ANNA FALTERMEIER
1. Be very clear about what you expect. Do you see cohabitation as a trial that will help you decide about marriage? You should both have a clear sense of what moving in together means to each of you.
2. Live together because your relationship is going well, not to try to make it better. Similarly, don't marry your cohabiting partner because you hope marriage will change her.
SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU MOVE IN
3. Agree on a "living together agreement" to help clarify your expectations and define how you'll handle finances and property.
4. Take a couples' education class before or during cohabitation. Research suggests it helps with conflict resolution.
5. Use birth control. It's a lot more fun and romantic to get married because you want to, not because you
accidentally get pregnant.
6. If you're planning to get married, talk about what will change and what will stay the same. Talk about marriage with people whom you respect who have been married a long time.
Source: "Ten Ways to Improve Your Chances for a Good Marriage After Cohabitation," by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller
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