"At two or three in the morning, when I'm up writing a paper and I'm exhausted beyond belief, sometimes I cry because the stress gets to me. I think about the little girl that sleeps upstairs who says, 'Mommy, I'll be so proud of you when you graduate.'"
With tears in her eyes, Christine McNicholas, Dallas senior, talks about the motivation she derives from her 4-year-old daughter, Kaley Grace. McNicholas took Kaley to last year's graduation ceremony to show her what "mommy" is trying to accomplish as a student and says the experience stuck with her daughter. Now, when McNicholas explains to Kaley how important it is for her to be good and go to bed early so her mom can do her homework, Kaley reminds her mom that she'll need to get a babysitter for graduation, saying "I can't be by myself when you walk with Baby Jay down the hill."
McNicholas became a single mother four years ago, after she and her ex-husband divorced. This is her second go-around at the University of Kansas. After attending the University from 1995 to 1998, she met and married her now ex-husband in Milwaukee while working in the airline industry. After the divorce, she moved back to Kansas to live with her parents and continued to work as a flight attendant. She says she would routinely cry on the way into work because she felt guilty about leaving her daughter with her parents for days at a time while she flew to places like Baltimore and Chicago. McNicholas worked in Kansas for a few months before she and Kaley reached a literal breaking point.
Kaley broke her leg when she fell off a kitchen countertop. McNicholas says she didn't have any sick days to take, so she gave Kaley and her insurance card to her mother to take to the emergency room. She says she cried even more than usual on the way into work that day because she knew that even if she explained to her supervisors that she needed to take care of
her daughter, they still wouldn't let her go. She says the airline industry is often inconsiderate and unforgiving, expecting its employees to perform their duty no matter what the circumstances. She says she would have lost her job if she stayed behind to take care of Kaley.
"That was an all-time low for me," says McNicholas, who quit working in the airline industry soon after. "I couldn't have that situation where my work took so much precedence over me being there for my child."
Life as a single mother is difficult. Bearing the emotional and physical burden of parenting is a grueling job when there are two parents, but when one parent doesn't have the support of the other to relieve some of that burden, the weight can be overwhelming.
Even simple, everyday activities like bringing in the groceries become a complicated ordeal with children, says Jennifer Sinquah, Norman, Okla., senior. She says if her 3-year-old son, James, falls asleep in the car on the way home from the grocery store, she doesn't want to wake him to make him walk inside because he'll become grumpy. So she carries him, but he has to use the bathroom before she lays him down and then she still needs to get the groceries.
That complication added to every aspect of life — from getting the mail and making dinner to getting to work on time — makes it difficult for single moms to find time alone to relax. Sinquah says that it's impossible to even take a shower without a little knock on the door, "Mommy, mommy, mommy. What are you doing?" "Just give me 10 minutes!"
Many single moms wish they could share the joys of parenting along with the burden. Sinquah says that sometimes she really wants another parent around so she can say to him, "Hey, look
"All of this would be simpler if you just had someone else to ask to carry the kid in while you get the groceries or watch him in the car while you use the restroom," she says.
at what he just did," or to have someone around to tell about James" imagination, how he pretends to be a dinosaur one day and a lake monster the next.
"Or..." chimes in James from a few feet away. His long brown hair is tied back in a ponytail, and although he sat patiently during his mom's entire interview, he was apparently listening and waiting to interject. "Or Roo," James continues, pretending to be the baby kangaroo character from Winnie the Pooh.
"Am I Kanga when you're Roo?" Sinquah asks, pretending along with James that she is Roo's mother.
"Yeah, Roo?"
"Yeah," the boy replies.
"Kanaq?"
"Can I watch another movie," James asks. Sinquah walks over to perform one more of the countless tasks that are demanded of her every day during her duties as a single mother.
Amanda Boyer, Kansas City,
Mo., junior, also says she waits until her 23-month-old daughter,
Bella, goes to sleep to do her school work.
"If I don't have time to go to bed, I literally don't go to bed sometimes." McNicholas says. "I'm willing to sacrifice sleep. It's pretty much the only thing I have to give up because everything else has to get done."
Sinquah became a single mother when she divorced her ex-husband, who was in the military and now lives in Arizona. She had just given birth to James and wound up living with her mom for two years in Oklahoma before returning to the University of Kansas in 2005. She had attended the University off and on from 1991 to 1995.
"Time to do everything is probably the biggest challenge, and that includes sleep," Boyer says. "Time management is very
Both Sinquah and McNicholas say that pretty much the only time they are able to study is after their children go to sleep or when friends help them out with childcare. They routinely pull all-nighters to get assignments done on time.
Boyer became a single mother after she unexpectedly became pregnant during a year off from attending Avila University. On the encouragement of her current boyfriend, whom she lives with, she moved to Lawrence a year ago to attend the University. She says her boyfriend is the only father that Bella has ever known and that her biological father is not a part of Bella's life.
important. I'm still not very good at it. Sleep is what ends up getting lost."
Monique Mack, Philadelphia junior, doesn't mention sleep deprivation as a concern when she talks about the balance she must strike between her roles as a student and the parent of her 11-year-old son, B.J. She talks about the intense focus required as both a single mother and a student.
"Regardless of what happens, you still have to keep your eyes on that prize," she says. "You have a goal that you're trying to reach and sometimes it can be a long
ways and sometimes you get off your path and things happen, but you've just got to stay focused and not give up.
"I just knew that in order for me to provide for my son, to give him opportunities and to give us a fighting chance as a family, I needed to get my education," she says.
Mack, Boyer, McNicholas and Sinquah come from four distinct backgrounds with histories that include violence and drug abuse and time spent as a military wife and flight attendant. But all four say that even though being a single parent greatly complicates their lives as students, their children represent their greatest motivation to overcome the challenge. They all talk about the balance that must be struck between the two roles but also how rewarding each role can be.
"It's worth it to be a parent and it's worth it to finish school, whether you're a parent or not," Boyer says.
Amanda Boyer,
Kansas City, Mo., Junior, with
her daughter. Bella
Support: Her family is very supportive, but they live in Kansas City.Mo.Her live-in boyfriend helps out as much as he can by taking care of her daughter, Bella, when Boyer needs the help.
Advice for student parents:
"No more partying, at least not on a regular basis. You still need to get out every once in a while. Moms need to do that anyway, whether they're a student or not, but being a student can add more stress. So save your sanity and get a sitter or a family member, even if it's just for a couple of hours."
her daughter, Bella
Makes ends meet by: working
in the Freshman-Sophomore
Advising Center.
05. 10.2007 JAYPLAY < 11