CONTINUED FROM PAGE 11 become accustomed to having control. The thought of losing that and allowing their children to run their own lives can leave them with fear for their child's future, King says.
"THERE'S A MYTH THAT WHEN YOU GO AWAY TO COLLEGE, YOU SHOULD SEPARATE FROM YOUR PARENTS AND THEY SHOULD 'LET GO.' " HARRIET LERNER
Pam Allen, a clinical social worker in Topeka, says that parents want so much for their child to do well that it sometimes hurts the relationship. "Parents struggle with trusting their children to make the right decision," she says. "Sometimes the fear can be so big that it puts a barrier in the relationship."
Besides worrying about you, parents also struggle to redefine their own place in the world after you move out." I got really depressed during this time," my mom told me. "All of a sudden I had all this extra time and no one to mother." It's very difficult to go through what King calls the "launching stage," the period when a young person gradually becomes more independent. "So far, they've been defined as being a parent," King says. "They experience a sense of loss. They need their kids to still need them."
Coming home is also stressful for parents because they know your visit is short-lived and you will leave again. To connect more with her mom while she's away at school, Gekas is trying
to teach her mom to use Gmail chat. That way they can talk more frequently and her mom won't feel as much distance between them, she says.
Learn to communicate
A leading mistake among families is their lack of communication. According to Bloch, families must put it out there that they are going through a difficult transition. "There is an expectation that it should be easy to handle," he says. "It's better to talk about your feelings than hide them."
Allen says it's important to recognize the time as an adjustment. The transition will not be smooth at all times, but not communicating and losing the relationship can only cause harm to the student involved. "If a young adult can maintain contact with their parents, they will most likely be more stable and grounded," she says. "On the other hand, if a student is cut off from their parents, they
can become more vulnerable to develop a problem with alcohol or drugs."
I've changed a lot of things in the past few months. Now when my mom calls, I call her back and make an attempt to ask her about her day. Although our relationship isn't perfect, (but whose is, right?) I realize now why it got to the point it did. We both made mistakes, but we'll overcome them because we love each other.
"There's a myth that when you go away to college, you should separate from your parents and they should 'let go,' Lerner says. "This notion is fairly unhealthy and inaccurate because if things go well, family is forever."
12> JAYPLAY 04.26.2007