PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS/ SARAH LEONARD
parents updated on some things in your life, it's also important to establish boundaries to your conversations. "One of the most important things to remember is not lash out at your parents because you're frustrated," Medea says. "In the end, lashing out only invites more unwelcome questions and therefore you don't get what you want." Instead, she suggests responding respectfully by saying that the question was too personal and decline to answer. "This causes parents to do a double take," Medea says. "It's a very adult thing to do."
Arguments are inevitable when families are adjusting to you being away from home. If an argument does happen, it's good to sit down with your parents and lay down some ground rules of what you will and will not talk about with them. If you prepare ahead of time, it decreases the possibility of your parents asking random questions, says Ed Bloch, a clinical social worker and therapist. Explain to your parents that although you still love them, you need to be able to build relationships with your peers because they are the ones who ultimately will support you while you're at school, he says.
In these situations, it's important to avoid coming off as critical, King says. If someone blames, criticizes or accuses their parents of doing something wrong, their parents get defensive and a fight begins. An alternative way to deal with the situation is to demand their respect but also remind them that you still need their input, King says. It's important to make sure they know you don't want to get rid of them.
It's hard for them, too
To avoid possible resentment from parents, keep in mind that they are having a difficult time as well. Susan Schwartz, Memphis, Tenn., junior, says that her dad often sends her a text message to see if she can talk. If she doesn't respond, he'll call and if she doesn't pick up, he sends another text message. Although she explains that sometimes she doesn't want to be disturbed, she says she realizes that her parents don't see her every day and have a right to worry. Offentimes when students feel hounded by their parents, they can become frustrated and avoid contact with their parents.
When I began to withdraw,
my mom started to pop up
Many families struggle to adjust when students return home. "It's a hard transition for families," says Jeff King, a marriage and family therapist in Lawrence. "Parents don't know if they still have authority or if they should act as their child's peer."
everywhere. She joined Facebook, MySpace and even Xanga, often leaving messages for me and even my friends. I began to feel digitally claustrophobic. I couldn't escape her presence and unfortunately, it made me avoid her even more than I had before.
It wasn't until a couple of months ago when I was talking to her on the phone that she said, "All I want is to feel like I'm part of your life, but you never call me anymore." Her words stung me because before I had felt that she was the problem. She was too intrusive. She was overbearing. But after she said those words, I realized that I had neglected her.
If you, like me, have been guilty of avoiding your parents when they begin to become more intrusive, there are some ways to reassure them that you still want them in your life. First of all, push them for time. This may seem crazy considering they already seem intrusive, but spending quality time alone with your parents can help give you some space. Medea
suggests taking mom out for breakfast or helping dad fix the car. During your time together you can tell them what's going on in your life while asking them questions as well. This not only eases their fears about what you're up to, but also shows them that you're mature enough to have adult conversations.
Gekas says that during her first years of college her mom expressed worry that their relationship was becoming more distant. At the time, Gekas was confused because they talked frequently. She says she realized later that her responses to her mom's questions were often one word and without substance."If there's not quality in your conversation, it's worthless," she says.Now she makes a point to expand upon her answers to create more meaningful conversation.
Parents want what's best for their children, often finding it hard to let go when they still question themselves on whether they did a good job raising us. They have
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