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Growing up, I had a great relationship with my mom. I looked forward to coming home from school and telling her about my day. She listened intently as I went into detail about boys I thought were cute and why my best friend was making me mad. She was my rock and in many ways I was hers. I felt that I couldn't make a decision without her by my side and always knew everything would be OK as long as she was in my life. And then... I went to college.
The struggle for independence
Before college, I never planned on pulling away from my parents. They were who I turned to for comfort and were always my best supporters. But once I arrived at KU, I felt needed to branch out and do things on my own. I wanted them in my life, but I needed room to grow as an adult.
Some of us struggle to gain independence from our parents when we first come to college. Whether it be doing our own laundryorpayingbills,wegradually become adults. Although learning to be independent is important, it often causes families distress when we return home during the school year.
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WHEN I BEGAN TO WITHDRAW, MY MOM STARTED TO POP UP EVERYWHERE. SHE JOINED FACEBOOK, MYSPACE AND EVEN XANGA, OFTEN LEAVING MESSAGES FOR ME AND EVEN MY FRIENDS.
Bcausestudentsbecomemore responsible and self-sufficient while away at school, they are often faced with the challenge of re-introducing themselves to their parents when they arrive home, says Andrea Medea, author of Going Home without Going Crazy.The best way to do this is by showing your parents how you've matured.
"Be mindful not to fall back into old habits," Medea says. "When you do this, you'll have a harder time convincing your parents that you've grown up." Don't refuse to pick up your dirty clothes or address your parents in a whiney tone when they're upset with you. Doing this will only make your parents treat you like a 14-year-old, because these things are typical of a 14-year-old's behavior. Instead, address your parents in a deeper, more adult tone. This will surprise the parent and help them realize you've grown up and matured, Medea says.
Many arguments begin because the returning student feels he
must push away in order to prove his independence, often causing tension in the household. "It's a hard transition for families," says Jeff King, a marriage and family therapist in Lawrence. "Parents don't know if they still have authority or if they should act as their child's peer." This uncertainty can often create apprehension in the family.
Unwanted advice
The problems between my mom and I arose about a year after I moved out. I had recently begun dating a guy who lived in my dorm. Because I hadn't dated in the past, it was a new experience for both of us. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing something that I wanted to keep to myself. Almost immediately after discussing my new relationship with my mom, I started receiving several e-mails a day.
The subject lines included "making a relationship last" and "the fundamentals of dating," among other things. I knew she
was trying to be helpful, but it made me feel like I was being told what to do. I had turned to her in the past for advice, but in this situation, I really just wanted to figure out the relationship on my own. This was a very confusing time for her because, in the past, I had told her everything that was on my mind and all of a sudden I was more guarded.
Adjusting to new ways of communication can be difficult for both parents and their children. "It's a process of growing up and re-negotiating the most important relationships of your life," says Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger: A Women's Guide to Changing Patterns of Intimate Relationships. "When you go home, it's an anxious time. If your mother manages anxiety by giving advice, she will do it more."
Avoid distancing
I never knew how to handle the advice I received from my mom. Eventually, I stopped returning many of her phone calls and didn't reply to her e-mails. But isolating yourself from your parents only makes the problem worse." If your parents call 12 times a day, your tendency may be to distance,
which causes your parents anxiety." Lerner says. "If your parents are being intrusive, the challenge is to be clear about what is best for you without being emotionally distancing."
Instead of getting mad, Lerner suggests approaching the situation with humor. She recommends saying something like, "Mom, you're acting like the American Red Cross here. Do I look like I need rescuing?" After this is done, parents usually back off. It's a way to set personal boundaries.
Check in
When I went home for summer breaks, my parents usually wanted to know what time I would get back from a night out with my friends. When I was a child, I felt that it was all right for them to wait up for me and worry, but now that I was on my own, I felt these questions were unreasonable.
Andrea Crawford, Overland Park senior, had a similar experience. "I don't get a lot of independence when I go home," she says. "I can't really go out anywhere very late because my parents can't sleep until I get back." Parents want to know their child is safe, but the questions they asked when their
child still lived at home are no longer appropriate for a college student.
Lizzie Hartman, Shawnee freshman, has also experienced the shock of coming home and being re-introduced to curfews. At school, she could stay out as long as she wanted, but when she went home she was surprised that her parents got upset after she returned home a couple of hours later than she had told them she would. Fortunately, she's reached a compromise with her parents. "They get concerned that something has happened to me," Hartman says. "The rule now is I just have to call, say where I am, who I'm with and let them know I'm going to be late. I feel that if that's all I have to change, than I can deal with that."
Set boundaries
Besides wanting to know when you'll be home, parents often try to find out the basics of their child's life. Christina Gekas, Eden Prairie, Minn., senior, says she was often frustrated by her mom's attempts to find out about the boys in her life, even turning to her brother to find out more information.
Although it's good to keep