THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
OPINION
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13,2005
WWW.KANSAN.COM
PAGE 5A
Holy monster? Or monster full of holes?
THE COLUMNIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS KATE Embrace His noodly goodness
There comes a time in everyone's life when they are forced to ask the big questions.
In short, my answer is an unequivocal — Yes.
Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? Is there a God, and did that God create the universe for all of mankind?
I believe we were created by God and that God, not evolution, is responsible for our world today. It is my belief that Intelligent Design is the only fair option for Kansas school children. Under Intelligent Design, all theories of beliefs are to be included. My personal God, more commonly known as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, created the universe.
By this statement alone, Spaghetti-Monster followers deserve to have equal time in public schools dedicated to our theory of the creation of the universe. There is ample scientific documentation to support that the Flying Spaghetti Monster did in fact create the universe. It is of the utmost importance that our school children are exposed to the one truth in this vast universe, and that is the truth of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Should one not succumb immediately to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His powers, eternal damnation will surely prevail. Accepting the FSM faith is the most important decision a person will ever make in life. It will most certainly determine one's eternity. To sit at the right strand of the Flying Spaghetti Monster for eternity, or to burn in a marinarless hell, this is the ultimate question.
KATE KIMBALL
opinion@kansan.com
This is why it is so important for the Kansas Board of Education to embrace the truth of FSM. Without this religion implemented in our public schools, chaos will prevail. Public school children are not capable of embracing the faith that they so choose. We must get to them now, or they might see for themselves that the FSM religion is (like so many other theories of Creation), well. cran.
▼ A'HQYT MATIES!
I am aware that some of you might be oblivious to the faith of the FSM religion. I will attempt to relate to my readers some of the basics of our religion. The official Web site of the FSM faith can be found at, www.venganza.org. At this Web site one will find that there are more than 10 million people currently practicing the FSM faith. We only worship Him while decked out in full pirate attire. There are a plethora of reasons for this, which I cannot go into now. Also, the average global temperature continuing to rise is directly related to the shrinking number of pirates in recent years. Should we choose to obey Him, the trend of global warming shall certainly reverse itself.
Please, act quickly KU students, and let the Kansas Board of Education know the importance of fair and equal Intelligent Design. Members of the board of education can be reached through www. ksde.org. According to the Flying Spaghetti Monster's prophet, Bobby Henderson, legal action will be enacted if the theory of FSM is not included in the curriculum of Kansas schools. It is up to us, the pirates, to make sure that Kansas kids are informed of all theories of evolution.
Perhaps we will show up on your doorstep on a Saturday morning at 7 a.m., or maybe we will attempt to recruit you on campus while you are trying to attend some meaningless religion class (which I know from experience will not include FSM). Either way, the FSM faith will not be ignored.
Kimball is a Newton junior in political science and journalism.
GOETTING IT RIGHT
Satire leaves bad after-taste
So now you've heard about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and you might even think that it's such a fun idea that you want to become a Pastafarian today. I won't try to convince you differently; Everyone needs to have a little fun. But for those of you who think that this is just the greatest satire ever and that FSM beliefs deserve to be taught along with any other intelligent design theories, let me set you straight.
Despite what professors in the KU religious studies department might tell you, religious scriptures such as the Torah, the Bible, and the Koran are all historical documents. In fact, they tend to be more
JOSH GOETTING opinion@kansan.com
historically valid than many of the primary source history texts which students at the university study every day. "But, Josh," you say, "how can that be? I've always been told that they are a load of manure just like this FSM thing." Well, you've been told wrongly. Let's take the Bible (the holy book which I am most familiar with), and apply a scientific (yes, even religious people can use science) test called bibliographic verification to see how reliable it is as an historical document. In this test, we first see how many manuscripts are still in existence because if it is many, we can conclude that the work was important and very acceptable to people before the age of the printing press. We find over 24,000 manuscripts exist of the Bible. Compare this to eight of the works of Herodotus, eight of Thucydides, and seven of Pliny the Younger. The work that comes closest to the Bible is the Iliad (which isn't even proper history) at 643.
Niklas Jansson/CHURCH OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER
The other part of this test involves dating the oldest original manuscript and comparing it to the latest one. The reasoning here goes that the earlier the work, the more accurate it
must be because there weren't as many opportunities to embellish it and by comparing it to the latest manuscripts, one can determine just how much embellishment has occurred. The oldest copies of the Old Testament are the Dead Sea Scrolls and they date back to about 250 B.C. Presumably because of the care taken in copying sacred texts, they are virtually identical to manuscripts of the Bible copied before the printing press caught on. This is in contrast to many other historical works that have been changed to better-fit preferred world views or to flatter certain audiences. Both parts of this test indicate that the Bible is exceptionally valid compared most historical works, let alone to the ideas advanced by some masters student from Oregon on a Web site.
My point here is not so much that we should teach intelligent design theories based on the Bible, Torah, Koran or any other historically valid documents as much as it is to show how ridiculous it is to compare something like the FSM theory to theories based on time-tested documents and beliefs and think that it's good satire. So if you still insist on being a Pastafarian, by all means, go ahead, but be aware that you are being more offensive than amusing.
◆ Goeting is a Leavenworth senior in political science and East Asian studies.
Flying Spaghetti Monster's satire provokes reflection of ideals
In the beginning, when He created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the abyss, while a mighty wind swept over the waters.
DAN HOYT
opinion@kansan.com
If the concept of the world being created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster is offensive to you, then I'm sorry; it's what I believe. If you want to have public school teachers teach about how the world was created by God, then I want them to teach about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. My depiction of the beginning of the world is just as plausible as yours, and much more interesting and tastier.
Then the great Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be trees, a mountain and a midget pirate," or something like that. The world was born and all its inhabitants soon followed.
I'm agnostic, but if I chose to become atheist it would be insulting to have my son or daughter learn intelligent design. It's wrong to force my
own beliefs on someone else whether I'm atheist, agnostic, Catholic, Hindu or a Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Bobby Henderson founded the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the spring of 2005 to protest the attempts of the Kansas School Board to put Intelligent Design into Kansas science classes. He sent a letter to the Kansas School Board detailing Flying Spaghetti Monsterism and demanded it be taught alongside other religions or he would seek legal action. Currently, he seeks to recruit an army of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism-lawyers.
Although, Henderson is from Oregon, it doesn't make his anti-Intelligent Design sentiment any less valid. I'm from Kansas and I completely agree with him.
The new definition of science the school board is adopting will change from "seeking natural explanations" to "seeking logical explanations," according to Carol Rupe, a Kansas School Board member, in a response letter to Henderson.
"I think FSMism is able to be included. It is as 'logical' as any other theory," Rupa said.
If you think FSMism is a mockery of the Christians religion, I would say "parody"
is more accurate. FSMism is a parody of Christianity, but Christians should calm down and realize that forcing religion on someone is wrong.
Or maybe Henderson is mocking Christianity. What's wrong with mocking Christianity? I do it all the time. I'm mocking it right now and I don't think I'll go to Hell for it. There are a lot of other things I've done that I'll probably go to Hell for first.
Some conservative Christians will say that the Bible is old and therefore should be respected more than this editorial. If being really old is a requirement to be a valid religion then how would a religions begin?
FSM isn't disrespecting God in any way. If you think God created everything, then he created humor and pasta.
If religion is going to be taught in schools, it shouldn't be taught as a science. Religion is about faith and believing in a higher purpose or a greater being, whether that being is an omnipotent old man with a beard or a flying spaghetti monster. Faith is not science and shouldn't be confused with it.
- Hoyt is an Spearville junior in journalism.
Free for All
Call 864-0500
Free for All callers have 20 seconds to speak about any topic they wish. Kansan editors reserve the right to omit comments. Slandered and obscene statements will not be printed. Phone numbers of all incoming calls are recorded.
Nobody understands me but Simple Plan.
Hey, Taylor, you're out of the band.
My friend just told me that he leaves 45 minutes early to get a seat next to the air conditioner, and that's the fattest comment I've ever heard in my life.
So I mentioned today in class that the new crossword sucks, and 17 people agreed with me.
I just ordered an iPod Nano! I'm going to be the coolest kid on campus!
So I was working at a bakery, and some lady just ordered a cake, and the decoration said, "LaRon, I want a divorce." That's like the craziest thing that ever happened to me.
To all the cops setting up the D.U.I. checkpoints:
After you arrest me, please don't call my mom.
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Okay, everybody talking about how Bush isn't racist, but let's think about this logically. Say a hurricane hits Boston or Laguna Beach, do you really think Bush would have people out in the streets?
There's no hotels in Antarctica!
Hey, kitten killer, I'm wearing three necklaces and it goes like this: Pop, pop, pop!
Free for All, are you 21? Can you buy me alcohol?
We are definitely sober at the Ranch. And that's why we're calling at 1:30 in the morning.
I'm schwasted.
All these girls like Laguna Beach, I'm going to start my own show called Wescoe Beach.
Free for All, you should really consider getting a facebook.com account, because you're my friend.
You got the hot dog stand for the hot dog people,
now let's get benches for the bus stop people!
(Editor's Note: I'll have my people call your people.)
As a former fetus, I oppose abortion.
How come my comments weren't printed in Free for All? Oh, I guess because they have to be really stupid to make it in.
Safe Ride? It should be called Safe Never Picks You Up.
To the girl who said military recruiters should be allowed on campus because they look hot in uniform, I think the Dallas Cowboy's cheerleaders should also be allowed to recruit on campus. Recruit for what? I don't know.
I like those Sonic commercials, I don't care what anybody says. They're funny.
Get down, girl, go ahead, get down.
Free for All, I want to be on you.
Hey Perkins, thanks for kicking 300 students out of a section that nobody is sitting in.
Your ticket policy has gone from a joke to a complete catastrophe.
It's app-uh-lay-shun. App-uh-lay-shun.
So I set next to Reid Petty guy, and he didn't give me a high five or participate in the group hug.
If your name is Rachel and you lost your I.D. card, you might be able to find it at McCollum.
I heard Sigma Nu was moving out, and Rhombus house was moving in.
Safe Ride is awesome. That's all I wanted to say.
Benches for the people! Yay-yuh!
Just so things are in perspective, in Iraq, there's 2,000 dead, in Katrina there's been less than 10,000 death, but last week, there was over 20,000 abortions.
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