Like the Free for All; only less amusing.
TONGUE IN BEAK
8A THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7. IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2005
READ THIS FIRST Letter from the editor
Hello and welcome back to another fun-filled, factually dubious year at The University Daily Kansan.
A year full of exciting possibilities that will slowly diminish into depressing realities. This is Tongue in Beak, the satire section of the newspaper. Here you can find your dose of campus hilarity and hijinks on the first Wednesday of every month. That's right. Four times a semester, after you are done with the crossword puzzle, you can turn to the back page of the Kansan for some edgy satire that's usually written at the last minute and sometimes peppered with a clever penis joke.
Because of the offensive nature of some of the articles in the Tongue in Beak section, we have to remind you, the reader, that we are not for everyone and that the writers and editors of the Tongue in Beak section are not the writers and editors of the actual Kansan.
So, seriously, if you are from Johnson County and are offended by an article, be sure to have your parents contact us. On the other hand, if you really like an article, or you think this section is a shady rip-off of The Onion and that you could do better after smoking a couple of bowls (which, by the way, is just the drugs talking; you cannot outdo this literary brilliance), please do not e-mail or call the Kansan newsroom. Instead send your e-mail to tinb@kansan.com, and we'll be more than happy to ignore or ridicule it.
Thank you,
Owen Morris
Tongue in Beak editor
▼ SPORTS (SORT OF)
Photo Illustration by Owen Morris/KANSAN
Showdown at high Moon
Giddens, Randall to host Second Annual Charity Brawl
ERIC SCHAUMBURG
tinb@kansan.com
tinb in BEA WRIITE
Former KU basketball player J.R. Giddens and former KU running back John Randle will face off in a bloody, bare-knuckled duel to benefit local charity Friday.
we just felt like we owe the community a little somethin' somethin' for, ya know, puttin' up with our bullshit and, ya know ... whatea." Giddens told reporters Monday.
The event is expected to raise at least $100 for the United Way's Boys and Girls Club of Lawrence, after subtracting legal fees incurred by Giddens and Randle.
"This town has given me bars to urinate on, stolen credit cards to order pizza with and random bouncers to punch so I figured, 'Hell, why not?' I should give something back," Randle said while trying to start his car, for which he evidently had lost the keys.
"I hope Randle 'The Pissin' Vandal' tears into Giddens'," said Jamal Weekley, 8, a member of the Boys and Girls Club. "That'll teach Giddens to shoot deep three pointers when we had Simien under the net."
"Won't even be a fight. It'll be like kickin' the ass of a bouncer at The Hawk, then stealin' his wallet and pissin' on him," Randle said.
Randle expressed confidence in his chances of winning.
"Let's just say I've got a knife or two up my sleeve," Giddens hinted at the weigh-in Monday. "Kickin' Randle's butt will be as easy as draining three from ten feet behind the arc while being guarded."
Chancellor Robert Hemenway said he didn't care who won because the two men no longer played sports for the University.
The two criminals will face off after last call Friday night, or whenever the Hennessy runs out in front of the former Moon Bar. Tickets are $10 the night of the event or $5 in advance. Advance tickets are available from the United Way. Crowd safety is not guaranteed.
CHANCELLOR CORNER Welcome freshman
Hello freshmen, and welcome to the University of Kansas. KU offers many opportunities, and with a little luck and a lot of hard work you too can achieve your goals ... as long as you stay in college, you lily white suckers. 'Cause if you leave KU you gonna end up in prison, and let me tell you: The big house is no joke.
Edited by Kellis Robinett
house is no joy.
You think you tough? Look at me! Look at me dammit! You wanna end up with scars on your chest like these?! Huh? I see your looks. You think it ain't gonna happen to you! I've seen fresh blood strut in there like they own the place and then get plundered and pillaged so fast.
photography Yea, I'm talking to you, tough shit. Don't roll your eyes at me. You'd be selling your body for cartons of Kools within two days. I guarantee it. Your mommy isn't gonna be able to hear your
Hemenway
screams behind three inches of solid steel and glass. I've seen thousands just like you. You're no different; inside the pen you're just a number. When the officers
finally find your lifeless, frigid, bare body after a gangland attack prison-style inside the showers, you think they're gonna cry for you? No. To them you're just another college dropout who ended up on the wrong side of a deal.
Is that the life you want?'Cause that's the way you gonna and up if you don't stay in school. With that I want to say again thank you for choosing the University of Kansas and our excellent schools and staff. We welcome you with open arms and look forward to seeing you on Mount Oread.
Compiled by Owen Morel
Cheetos too cheesy for Jaybowl
Administrators have voted against selling Cheetos in the Kansas Union, citing reasons for the denial "alarmingly high" levels of cheesy flavor and an inability to protect minors from the snack that many experts consider "dangerously cheesy."
"Obviously I'm disappointed that the proposal was denied," said Jeff Coates, Seneca junior and student senator. "We felt strongly that students could responsibly enjoy this destructively cheesy, yet tasty, snack while bowling in a safe environment."
The proposal was submitted by Student Senate to Chancellor Robert Hemenway and vice provost of student success Marlesa Roney. Senate polled students, asking if they would feel safe in the Union around an item with a potentially fatal cheese level.
Students supported the sale of Cheetos with an overwhelming majority, and most students looked forward to the snacks in the Union.
"I enjoy Cheetos at my house and at restaurants, and I do so as a legal adult. Not every day, mind you, just on the weekends," said Nick Ross, Hiawata graduate student in biological science. =
"We agree that most students probably would not have had a problem with it," Roney said. "It's just that 5 percent or so will abuse the product, and we consider the risk too high."
The Union sold Cheetos until 1994, when one student's head exploded from a cheese overload, splattering bystanders with a mixture of brains and dehydrated, processed cheddar. Since then, all genetically engineered hydrogenated corn products have been banned from campus.
Taylor A. Price
Rick gets down and dirty with the heavyweight honeys
*Note: Rick is not a licensed psychiatrist nor is he a trained counselor. He is, however, a member of the KU chapter of Delta Tau Epsilon, and his buddies all said he was a pretty cool guy. It should also be noted that Rick has never had a girlfriend so don't let him tell you otherwise. He might sometimes also embellish the truth, especially when talking about parties or his sexual escapades. Rick is majoring in communications studies.
RICK, THE FRAT GUY
tinb@kansan.com
Dear Rick.
I'm a junior in the engineering program and a first-time
that maybe we should have an open relationship or stop seeing each other for a while, and she accused me of dumping her because of her weight. Am I really being that selfish or should I go where my heart desires? Rick, my future depends on you.
writer. Here's my problem: my girlfriend weighs 360 pounds, an improvement from 400 a year ago. I am all right with this because, to me, it's the person inside that counts. Recently, though, I met a girl who just happened to be thinner and I truly believe with all my heart that she's a nicer, better person. I tried to tell my girlfriend
— Jim
Dear Jim:
Dear Jim.
Whoa Dude! You're in luck'cause Rick the Partymeister—Do you like the nickname? I came up with it myself—has had a little experience with the bulging beauties himself. I remember this one Kappa Kappa Alpha girl I met at the annual Ball on the
Beach party that all my crazy frat brothers and I throw.
This chick, although she did not weigh 360 pounds, I would guess was packing a solid buck twenty-five.
At first I thought it was a joke, cause, like, how could a girl that weighs more than 110 pounds get into our party? After all we ARE Delta Psi Epsilon! But when I realized it was not a joke and that she was not a custodian or anything I decided to approach her.
I like to think of myself as a good samaritan type, you know, and this was definitely a case of charity on my part. Anyways, after I approached her and asked her if she had any diseases or anything that made her grotesquely obese, she responded no and that she was actually "healthy" — whatever that means.
I talked to her for a while but after that I realized she was not my type.
The reason I mention that story, though, is because like only five minutes after I finished talking to her I took one of my famous beer bongs, and these two chicks were looking really impressed at me and all, so I used some of my smoother moves —What am I talking about? All
of my moves are smooth! And we ended up talking and, you know, one thing led to another, and I ended up, like, getting on both of them at once in the pool house, and just as we were about to take it to the next level one of the girls passed out and cracked her skull on the concrete.
That part was not cool, but to tell you the truth, I was hala messed up myself! Yea man! Best night of my life! So to answer your question, Jim — keep rocking!
— Rick
Edited by Kellis Robinett. Compiled by Owen Morris.
Tongue in Beak is satire and should not be taken seriously (especially if you're John Randle).
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