Kit Leffler/Jayplay photographer
And that's just what they'll do By Meghan Miller, Jayplay writer
Models Dusty Mills, left, Mandi Sumner, WaKeeney senior, and Tom Kimmel, Lawrence sophomore, share a couch and eye contact.
It's Thursday night and Kristin Wesche, Raleigh, N.C., sophomore is getting ready to go out. All she has to do is take a shower, fix her hair, throw on a little makeup, and then it's off to her closet to rummage for the perfect outfit. After a little lip gloss, she's ready. She's not going out on a date though. Tonight she'll be out with her friends, so she won't have to worry about her suitor's wandering eyes. Wesche says she's fortunate to have not had a boyfriend that stared at other girls while they were out together. That type of behavior, she says, would really piss her off. Wesche says that if a guy is out with her, she should be the center of his attention. If he wants to stare at other girls, then he should be dating them instead.
Not all of us have been as lucky as Wesche. We know what it's like to experience the horrors of a mate with a wandering set of eyes. It can leave you feeling resentful, insecure and embarrassed. Even worse, it could be a sign that your partner might be cheating or contemplating the dirty deed.
But slow down. When your partner checks other people out, it doesn't necessarily signify the beginning of the end. And it doesn't have to mean that your partner is cheating either. So is it something that needs to be talked about, or can you just leave it alone? You've heard repeatedly how important communication is to any relationship. Now's the time to put that advice to work. Roving eyes should raise red flags because what starts out as innocent ogling could turn into something bigger if left unchecked. It's time for a heart-to-heart with your partner.
Practice, practice, practice
Understandably, you are concerned about those wandering eyes, so you question your boyfriend about it. He gives you some sweet line about how you're the one he's with and that the other girl is nothing but trash. Daylle Deanna Schwartz says in her book All Men Are Jerks*; *Until Proven Otherwise that cheating men have their responses rehearsed and ready. Schwartz also says that "these professional jerks are like fishermen" using bait, such as eye wandering, to test the waters so they can gauge their partners' reactions. Schwartz says the whole scenario has probably been rehearsed over and over in his mind, so he's prepared for just about any response you'll have.
Universal eye wandering
But it's not just men with eyes that roam. Women do it, too. And how does it feel when someone is ogling your mate? How do you think that dancing queen's boyfriend feels when every eye in the bar is scanning every inch of his girlfriend's bare skin? You know what I mean. You have that friend, or you are that friend, that will opt for a tighter shirt or a shorter skirt, knowing it's sure to grab ample attention when you go out. This is part of the friendly — and sometimes dangerous — sport of flirting.
Judy Kuriansky says in her book The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship that both men and women are guilty of flirting. Even if the flirting seems harmless, it can still raise questions about faithfulness on down the line. Flirting, innocent or not, could be sending you a clue that your partner has issues within your relationship that
need addressing. Flirtatious behavior has the potential of severely damaging a relationship. Kuriansky says that, in some cases, a flirting mate can be just as hurtful as a cheating one. And if your partner catches you, be prepared. It could cause more pain than the flirting was worth.
Knowing your partner, knowing yourself
Remember that communication is key. Talk to your partner if you witness questionable behaviors. And if you're the one sneaking peeks or flirting with your best friend's boyfriend when she's not looking, question your own behavior.
People who put up with roaming eyes or a flirtatious mate sometimes let the behavior slide in the name of love. Victims of cheaters often stay with their lover for the same reason. It's time to stop the insanity. No longer can we allow ourselves to be walked all over in the name of love. We need to take note of these possible precursors to cheating so we can nip the problem in the bud.
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Jayplay 09.01.05