Your Monthly Fake News Source
TONGUEINBEAK
THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN
▼ SUSPICIOUS TRIP FUNDED BY 10-YEAR-OLD
WEDNESDAY, MAY 4, 2005 8A
DeLay tied to little girl
By CHRIS CRAWDOR
ccraword@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK WRITE
Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, House of Representatives majority leader, has been scrutinized the past couple of months about suspicion that travel expenses for multiple trips might have been financed by lobbyists. A 1997 trip to Moscow allegedly was financed by Russian lobbyists and funneled through a mysterious company in the Bahamas, Chelsea Commercial Enterprises Ltd. Yesterday, the president of Chelsea, Chelsea Rosenblatt, came forward to
admit the truth.
The now 18-year-old heiress to the Rosenblatt tennis ball fortune admitted that she helped disguise the sponsor of DeLay's Russian trip in exchange for some personal favors.
secretly and asked if I could give it to him."
favors.
"I'm really sorry that I lied," Rosenblatt said. "I was only 10 in 1997. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. My parents set up Chelsea Commercial Enterprises Ltd. as a trust fund/kid's first corporation for me. I had a pen pal in Russia whose dad worked at Naftasib, a Russian oil and gas company. He wanted to get money to Mr. DeLay
Rosenblatt then contacted DeLay with the news but told him in order to get the money he would have to
DeLay
sweeten the deal with some favors. The precocious 10-year-old offered DeLay a list of demands.
"It was humiliating," DeLay said. "I had to spend four weekends with Chelsea. During these weekends, I had to let her braid
Little girl
my hair, I took her to see Titanic three times. I had to play Spice Girls with her and her friends. Do you know how hard it is to dance in a miniskirt? I'm
"He was an awful Posh Spice," Rosenblatt said. "He kept forgetting our routine and complained that his heels hurt his feet."
a very powerful man!"
The last duty DeLay performed entailed sending some
Washington lobbyist friends to lobby Brad Dunklemyer into "going with" Rosenblatt. Dunklemyer agreed to the relationship but broke up with her one week later, after Sara Stevens offered to go to second base with him.
After admitting his connection to Rosenblatt, DeLay quickly reestablished his stance that all allegations of money laundering and illegal campaign contributions against him were a conspiracy by the Democrats. "This is a huge, nationwide, concerted effort to destroy everything the conservatives believe in," DeLay said.
ENTERTAINMENT
Black Eyed Peas kick it really old school
The hip-hop foursome, Black Eyed Peas, will soon become a five-piece with the addition of newest member, 73-year-old Harold Perkins.
The Peas, who started as a diverse threesome — a black guy, a Mexican guy and a Filipino guy — added white, female singer Fergie for its 2003 release, "Elephunk." Fergie, Stacy Ferguson, expanded the Peas' main-stream appeal to whiter audiences with her rough street-wise look, which she originally crafted as a child on the Disney Channel's "Kid'S Incorporated."
CAMPUS
With the addition of spoken word artist Perkins to the line-up, the Peas plan to reach two more demographics with one man. Not only will Perkins' wrinkly smiles melt the hearts of the soon-to-explode senior citizen market: This old fart loves NASCAR. That's right, Perkins will also appeal to the newly labeled "NASCAR Dads."
The additions of Fergie and Perkins weren't the only times the Peas reached out to underdeveloped markets. The group celebrated the mentally disabled with its song, "Let's Get Retarded." It then switched up the lyrics and title to "Let's Get It Started" and sold the song to the National Basketball Association to use during the 2004 playoffs.
The Peas newest album,
"Monkey Business," drops
June 7. The first single will
showcase Perkins and is titled,
"These pills is getting me stiff
fo' NASCAR."
Droppin' Science: Research hurts KU
- Chris Crawford
Danny Flores, Tulsa junior, is a budding research scientist, and his friends are sick of it.
"Ever since he declared a psychology major, he's always pulling some shit on everyone and calling it an 'experiment,' said Jennifer Ramley, Flores' longtime friend.
Once, Flores monitored reactions to "obstruction stimuli" by tripping people on campus all day. Many bruised shins resulted, but the young "Maslow" maintained his academic distance, murmuring, "Interesting..." while furrowing his brow and dodging thrown objects.
"It may take years for people to realize it, but they're contributing to my future greatness by being my subjects today," Flores said. "Until then, I have to stay focused. Right now I'm preparing a groundbreaking investigation into the way the average post-adolescent male responds to having his pants pulled down on Wescoe Beach."
Tongue In Beak and Droppin' Science wish Mr. Flores good luck and eagerly await his findings.
Emergency Test explodes at KJHK
KJHK, the University radio station, received numerous calls Monday to replay its required emergency test.
"Will you play that song 'Warning' by The Emergency Broadcast System?" One caller
SEE SATIRE: BRIEFFS ON PAGE 6A
TOTALLY AWESOME NIGHTLIFE
For those looking leery of hopping on the back of the mechanical bull at Coyote's Night Club, Addis Ababa Ethiopian Cafe & Bar presents a tamer option.
Robot goat arrives
BY SAM HOPKINS
satire@kansan.com
TONGUE IN BEAK WRITER
to ride the mechanical bull at Coyote's Night Club but are wary of line dancing and chaw spitting, there will soon be a refreshing international option.
Lawrence's nightlife is divided into two cliques: people who ride the bull and people who don't. For those who would like
Addis Ababa Ethiopian Cafe & Bar has already staked its claim as the hippest new culinary addition to cosmopolitan
downtown Lawrence. Now it will keep busy well after the waiters stop serving, with the help of weekly late-night parties featuring a live DJ and a mechanical goat named Melaku.
SEE SATIRE: GOAT ON PAGE 6A
EDITOR'S NOTE
CHRIS CRAWFORD ccrawford@kansan.com
First off, thanks to everyone who read Tongue In Beak this semester. This is our last issue for Spring 2005, but we had a blast reestablishing satire in The University Daily Kansan. Tongue In Beak actually started in 2001 but had petered out a couple times since. I think it is necessary that we never let that happen again.
To the stuffy professors and overly sensitive types out there who aren't fans of Tongue In Beak, remember that you don't have to read this page. There are plenty of better things to complain about: gas prices, potholes, the war, health care, religion, etc. That's actually the purpose of what we do here; satire is just complaining in a humorous way. We hope to see you again in the fall.
Every major college newspaper should feature a regular satire page, and the Kansan is no exception. This is a newspaper targeted to 18- to 22-year-olds. And I know that sometimes between classes, you might rather read jokes than read about scientific grants. At least that's how I felt. That's the purpose of Tongue In Beak, a little release from a stressful day.
ONLINE POLI
Results of this week's poll
♦ 20% said Absolutely — it's all I read in the Kansan
Should Tongue in Beak return next fall?
♦ 38% said Totally — it's funny.
♦ 20% said No — it makes me dumber
Percentages based on 291 test
20% said Yes — but it should be funnier
Percentages based on 291 total votes
Poll for next week Next week's feature exposes the many
Have you redeemed a lost item from a campus lost and found?
Next week's feature exposes the many campus lost and founds they keep lost water bottles, floppy disks, text books and more.
Note: The stories on this page offer only inaccurate information from fake sources. Welcome to the world of make-believe.
To vote see this story under the Features link on kansan.com.
PAGE
Red Lyon Tavern
A touch of Irish in downtown Lawrence 944 Mass. 832-8228
BA
BEDS • DESKS
CHEST OF DRAWERS
BOOK CASES
anclaimed freight & damaged merchandise • 936 Mass.