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kansas in heat // THE THRILL OF THE CHASE
relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time.
Mike Anderson, Dellwood, Minn., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationships that airs thursday at 7 p.m. on KJHK, 90.71m and kjhk.org.
*THE OPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY KANSAS IN HEAT IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP.
Q: Why do I want what I can't have?
A: I could regurgitate what evolutionary psychologists would say — that levels of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin influence our lust and love for particular people. I could claim that the media has influenced what our ideal male or
female should look and sound like. But, really, I think it's because we love the chase. We love the potential; we love the forbidden fruit.
So we put all of our energy toward people who are already taken. Married people get flirted with more because their rings show that someone thought they were great enough to spend the rest of their life with. That ring can sometimes take the form of another guy/gal hanging on the person we want. We see that social proof, which convinces us to go after that person.
My advice for you if you are pining and wanting after this man or woman you can't have is to stop. Just stop. The stress and anguish is not worth it. For a relationship to work there has to be an equal level of mutual attraction. If you don't see or hear evidence of that mutual attraction you have to move on.
If you eventually end up with that person, you will either put them on such a pedestal that the actual relationship will never live up to your expectations or you will gloss over his or her flaws.
This is normally where I cite communication or psychology studies. But the fact is, I don't think I have to. I bet a large portion of the people
reading this article have felt this way. I know I have. Relationships can't be pushed or forced. The truth is we can't all win a date with Tad Hamilton.
I'm not putting down lust. I think lust is a great thing. You just have to be careful where you put it. Don't waste time on someone who you know doesn't feel mutual attraction towards you. Put that effort toward someone you know likes you. Ironically, this will make you seem more attractive to other people, possibly even that person you are pining for.
There is not just one person for you in this world, or two or three — there are a lot of people that would be perfect for you. And I guarantee they like you a lot more than that guy or girl you can't have or can't get over.
Do you have a question for Kansas in Heat? E-mail it to kansasinheat@yahoo.com.
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