KANSAN.COM / THE UNIVERSITY DAILY KANSAN / WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2010 / NEWS
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AGAINST THE GRAIN
Zahra Nasrazadani likes to be first to do things. So when she told her friends that she proposed to her boyfriend, they weren't surprised
"Yeah, of course," he replied.
During an ordinary night of video-chatting on Gmail with her boyfriend in December 2008, Nasrazadani grabbed an envelope that was lying around, drew a picture of a ring on it and scribbled, "Marry me?" before holding it up in front of her camera for her boyfriend to see.
Zahra Nasrazadani proudly displays the envelope she used to propose to her flame over a video chat. Nasrazadani, a senior from Emporia, said she doesn't believe in an elaborate proposal. She plans to have a non-traditional wedding with a rainbow theme and colorful accessories.
The scrap of paper is now posted on Nasrazadani's refrigerator, where it has been for a year and a half.
Nasrazadani, a senior from Emporia, and her fiance Jordan Hanson, a senior at Kansas State University, consider themselves feminists who don't buy into the big "pop the question moment."
sparkly. And when it's time to take his last name, that won't be happening either — she and Hanson will both be changing their last names. They decided to develop a hybrid of their last names but Nasraadani demands that a part of her last name becomes the first part of the new name so she can have the capital letter, of course.
Nasrazadani's proposal is only the beginning of a list of things that will make her marriage unconventional compared to today's norms.
"I couldn't see myself being surprised by it. It shouldn't be a sneak attack," Nasrazadani said. "I don't want to say that's how it should be for everyone, but for us, that's how it ended up"
She won't be given away on her wedding day. Her color scheme is rainbow and each member of the bride and groom's wedding party will don a different color of the rainbow. All her accessories will be colorful and
The only norm that Nasrazadani and Hanson will be following is waiting to get married until they are a bit older. Engaged for almost a year and a half, they still have another year to go until they think the timing will be right.
Howard Ting/KANSAN
"Part of the wait is because it's already hard enough to juggle school and extracurriculars," Nasrazadani said. "And on top of all that, let's get married and do our taxes together — it's just too much to handle."
Recently, Nasrazadani and Hanson discussed whether they saw a point in getting married at all, but they decided it showed a level of commitment.
"Just about every other day I think I threaten to just go down to the courthouse," Nasrazadani said. "I don't buy into the whole 'I need to spend hundreds of dollars to make this day special.' We're trying to look at it as we're throwing a big party."
Nasrazadani said she felt privileged that her dad volunteered to pay for the wedding. Though Nasrazadani's family is Muslim and Hanson's is Baptist, the couple is not big on organized religion. Nasrazadani said that not
following marriage traditions, such as changing her last name, was more of an issue between them and their families than religion.
Hanson's parents struggled more with the name changing idea than Nasratadani's parents.
"For my parents, in the Middle East a girl keeps her last name so it's not hard for them to grasp."
"It's just not what you do," she said.
Despite not following traditions and norms, Nasrazadani said her parents and Hanson's parents were very supportive of their engagement but her dad wondered how she knew Hanson
was the one.
"I told him that we fight like anyone does," Nasrazadani said. "Even in our worst fights there is never even a second where I think we should break up."
*muse* : a minor from Witchita, and her fiance, a senior at Wichita State, must use itinga and be helpful that they would have done it even if it wasn't required.
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Besau said he saw more alumni getting married now than current students because the average age of marriage has gone up.
Beseau has been leading marriage preparation courses for 15 years and has presided over weddings of couples from 19 years old to in their 70s.
"If someone came in who is 19 years old, immediately, I would be very cautious," Beseau said. "I've had marriages of 19- and 20 year-olds who were very mature. You cannot discount someone because they're
too young nor can you presume they're ready because they're older
When Schmidt and Friedberg tell people they're engaged, they often ask how old they are.
"It's funny because people will be really excited for me and they'll ask how old I am and when I tell them they'll ask why would you ever want to get married that young," Schmidt said. "I tell them we've been dating for over six years now and that's been part of the plan for a few years now. It really wasn't a matter of age, it's definitely more maturity than your age."
Schmidt also said that when people heard they were getting married, they thought it was because they were waiting to have sex.
"just don't want it to come off that it's solely the reason we're wanting to get married."
With cultural changes and norms that have made it easier and more acceptable for people to live together and have
intimate relationships, sexual relationships aren't seen as a reason for people to get married at a young age.
"I don't think that's an accident. You get into the business of someone else completing you or needing them to affirm that you're OK and that's not going to build a good relationship," Dailey said. "That's what romance novels at Dillons talk about, but that's not the basis for a good relationship."
"Emotional dependency is something that draws people to a relationship and dependency won't sustain a relationship."
Hill, professor of sociology, agrees.
University when she decided to transfer to the University of Kansas to be with Bassall
Living with a significant other before marrying can test a couple's emotional dependency and help them see they are not meant for one another. That's what happened to Tiffany Brant and Matt Bassagl.
Despite her parent's feelings, Brant and Basgall moved into an apartment in October.
"You're not waiting to get married to have sex or cohabitate with a partner," Hill said.
"At one point they did tell me Jesus isn't proud of me." Brant said. "But at some point your parents have to let you go. They knew I loved him so they went with the flow and let me live my life."
Fifty percent of married relationships end in failure and relationships that begin with an early marriage have an even higher rate of failure, Dailey said.
Dennis Dailey, professor emeritus from the School of Social Welfare who taught a course on human sexuality for 35 years, said young people got married early because of emotional dependency.
The couple had talked about getting engaged and decided to move in together in the fall of 2009. Brant said her parents did not like the idea of the two moving in together before marriage.
The relationship ended a few weeks later.
"Emotional dependency is something that draws people to a relationship and dependency won't sustain a relationship," Dailey said. "You have to be able to be comfortable with being alone and aware of who you are as a separate person before you can get in a relationship that has to sustain itself."
Seven months ago, Brant, a sophomore from Topeka, was expecting a marriage proposal from her boyfriend, Basgall. Now, she's locked in an apartment lease with her no longer would be fiancé.
BREAKING A LEASE BEATS BREAKING A MARRIAGE CONTRACT
"Even though it's a stupid reason, I will tell anyone it was the best decision ever," Brant said.
Brant and her ex-boyfriend Basgall were together for a year and a half before they moved in together. She was studying music education at Missouri Southern State
DENNIS DAILEY
Professor emeritus,
School of Social Welfare
"There was no big reason, it was just a bunch of little things," Brant said. "I think after being with someone for so long you just get used to where you are. I was holding on."
for the good times that we had. After a while, there were more bad times or not being in sync."
Now the two are joined by a lease and living in the same apartment until November. They have separate bedrooms but share a bathroom as well as other living spaces.
"We weren't immediately best friends but we've slowly progressed to being friends again," Brant said. "He's a great roommate and a great guy."
"I just really loved Matt, and, even though he did a lot of things that annoyed me, I just kind of put them aside," Brant said. "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with them."
Before the break-up, Brant, 19, and Basgall,
22, had a wedding date picked out — the first
Saturday in June after she graduates in 2012.
Now, Brant has a new boyfriend who she has known for years and he sometimes comes over to the apartment.
"I'm sure he doesn't love it but I'm not trying to rub it in his face or anything." Brant said of Bassall.
Before Brant and her new boyfriend, Zack Walker, officially started dating, she made sure he knew she wasn't moving out of her apartment with Basgall. She also assured him that her relationship with Basgall was purely platicon.
Brant said she didn't regret moving in with Bassall.
"I didn't move in with him to test him out or anything," she said. "I moved in because I loved him and wanted to spend time with him."
Now, she tells friends who are thinking about living with their boyfriendse before marriage that she has no regrets that she did.
"Even though we did break up, I don't think it was a mistake," she said. "He's going to make somebody really happy."
Edited by Melissa Johnson
ADDING IT ALL UP
What's very important for a successful marriage?
Each bar represents the percentage of people who identified the item as 'very important' to making a marriage work in a 2007 survey by the Pew Research Center.
Men
STATES WITH HIGHEST
MEDIAN AGE AT FIRST
MARRIAGE
District of Columbia — 32
Rhode Island — 30
New York — 30
New Jersey — 30
Massachusetts — 30
District of Columbia — 30
Connecticut — 28
New York — 28
Rhode Island — 28
Massachusetts — 28
Women
STATES WITH LOWEST MEDIAN AGE AT FIRST MARRIAGE
Men
Men
Kansas — 26
Utah — 26
Arkansas — 26
Oklahoma — 26
Idaho — 25
Women
Women
Wyoming — 25
Utah — 24
Arkansas — 24
Oklahoma — 24
Idaho — 24
The Pew Research Center
PUTTING IT INTO PERSPECTIVE
The average cost of a wedding is $27,800, according TheKnot.com. That number includes outlying, more expensive weddings, which raises the average a little bit.
Almost half of your wedding costs will likely go to the reception which means you could pay as much as $14,000,which includes the venue, decorations food and drinks.That's roughly the cost of tuition plus housing not counting transportation campus fees, books or personal expenses in the estimated cost of attendance that's reported to FAFSA and student loan
companies.
Roughly 2 to 3 percent of your budget will go toward wedding rings, which means you could spend as much as $850 on rings. Required campus fees were $848 for 2009-2010, and the estimated cost for textbooks was $800. TheKnot.com estimates that a set of simple gold band will cost you between $125 and $200, platinum bands between $400 and $600. Diamond wedding bands go for $742 each, on average. Engraving will cost more — between $1 and $8 per character.
See an interactive map with each state's marriage requirements at kansan.com/news.
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