SPEAK
TOMB RIVER
WHAT A GIRL WANTS Throwing my dreams of unrealistic perfection aside, I'm beginning to accept me // MARY HENDERSON
Contributed photo
Writer Mary Henderson has dealt with being shy and insecure her whole life but, as she approaches graduation, she is beginning to accept herself for who she is, she says is easier said than done. Here, Mary is pictured with a high school celebrity crush, Ashley Parker Angel from the boy band Q-Town.
Contributed photo
feel as though finding love is supposed to be like a romantic comedy. Like Josh Dumel is supposed to pop up out of nowhere and marry me. I'm no fergie though.
Romantic comedies seem so simple. Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Girl messes it up in some way. Boy forgives girl. Boy and girl live happily ever after. I'm having a problem with the second step. The closest I have ever gotten to having someone love me was when some drunk guy came over to me at a bar and said "I love you." He then proceeded to grab my breast and I was over it.
My whole dating life has to do with my lack of self-confidence. I can trace it back to when I was 12 years old. A Kansas City television station interviewed me because of my obsession with Britney Spears. (Don't worry, I'm no longer a Britney fan.) I was going to the concert that night, and they wanted to find a fan to interview. They called me because I knew the cameraman's daughter. The whole interview I was enthusiastic and sang on camera. However, when I watched it that night on the news, I noticed something. I was wearing a spaghetti strap top and my arms looked huge in my mind. I stomped into my room and told my mom I had to change before the concert. I knew that if I didn't I would be the laughing stock of the Britney crowd, filled with pencil-thin, blonde haired girls in short skirts. Ever since then, I've been very self-conscious.
I was a very impressionable teenager and a bit celebrity obsessed. Brittney Spears and Christina Aguilera were my heroes and I wanted to date Ashley Parker Angel from the boy band O-Town. But entertainment shows that report on celebrities make it seem as if you have to look like celebrities to get boys to like you.
I have the idea that guys are always looking for a girl of average height, blonde, big boobs and small waist. The only thing I have out of those is big boobs. I also have the stomach to go with it. I'm abnormally tall and have two different shades of brown in my hair. This is why, in all my life, I've never really had a boyfriend. Feel free to gasp now. Yes, I know, shocking. I'm almost 22 years old and have yet to find an actual relationship.
In junior high and high school, I wasn't your typical preteen and teenager. I'd tell my friends that I had a crush on a guy, but the guy would
never hear about it unless he heard it from other people. I only had one guy friend, and even then, we were plagued by rumors of me liking him, but he didn't like me back. He was more of a big brother than anything.
My friends know I'm unsure of myself. They say I'm too self-conscious for my own good and I put out the image that I don't want anything to do with boys. They have good intentions. Every time we go to a bar and I see a cute boy, they always encourage me to go up and talk to him. I decline and go back to drinking my beverage of choice for the evening. After we leave, my friends like to remind me of how instead of leaving with them.
I could be back at the bar talking to the man of my dreams who I didn't bother to say hi to. I love my friends, but sometimes, their good intentions fall short. If I had enough self-confidence to talk to him, I would have. I don't need their help to tell me when to jump in the shark tank.
Even my mother has taken a stance on this whole "lack of a boyfriend" thing. When I started college, my mom predicted that I would have a steady boyfriend by junior year. I am now a senior. Where is that steady boyfriend I'm supposed to be dating for two years now? She has even said that I should attempt speed dating. Her rationale behind the idea was that I could "rule out 40
guys at once." Thanks mom, like I don't do that enough on a daily basis already. There's something degrading in my mind about going to speed dating. It's like you're giving up searching for yourself. I don't think I'm to that point yet.
I'm a work in progress. I might be the last person to tell myself that, but I am. I don't know what I want out of life, and I don't know what to change to get it. If it gets to the point where I'm alone in the end, I guess I'll have two choices: Accept it, or start liking me for me. I think I'll choose the latter.
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