15. 2007年1月31日
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FEATURE
CHEATING LOVERS
// KATY SAUNDERS
in the 21st Century
A battle of lust, love and loyalty in defining cheating
ris was dumbfounded. He thought he was experiencing deja vu. For the second time, he had to end a relationship because of cheating.
To make matters worse, both of Kris's previous girlfriends had cheated on him with their ex-boyfriends, who were ironically both named Nick and enlisted in the military. "I couldn't believe the same scenario was happening to me all over again," Kris says.
In both situations, Kris' girlfriends had been emailing their exes while they were stationed overseas; when they came home the affairs went from emotional to physical. Kris says he trusted their privacy, so he never felt the need to check their email accounts. But looking back on it, he wonders if he should've checked.
Kris's exes also never told him they were unhappy with their relationship with him. "It would've been an easier end to things if we had broken up for other reasons." Kris says. "Cheating makes a breakup so much harder."
Kris's experience is not uncommon in young relationships. In 2008, the National Center for Education Statistics reported that the odds an undergraduate student ended his or her last relationship because of cheating was 1 in 13.7. Sometimes cheating brings light to an underlying problem, allowing couples to fix it and become stronger. In cases like Kris, however, the affair leads to a breakup. People cheat for a variety of reasons and it is important to have your own definition in order to set limits in your personal relationship.
IS IT PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL?
The general consensus among 25 random KU students was that anytime somebody in a relationship gets physical with somebody else, it's considered cheating. However, an emotional affair can be just as detrimental to a relationship. The real question is: Is there a difference between physical and emotional cheating?
Sharon Rivkin, a licensed marriage therapist in California, says there is no difference because either way you look at it, it's still a betrayal. "Many people rationalize that they're not really
cheating if they haven't had sex," Rivkin says. "But, oftentimes, emotional cheating is more detrimental because the connection goes much deeper."
In a survey done by MSNBC, nearly 20 percent of survey takers in committed relationships admitted to romantically kissing someone else — a violation that 83 percent of survey takers consider to be cheating. In addition, 65 percent of surveyed women said falling in love with someone else and not having sexual intercourse was worse than if their partner just cheated sexually with no emotions attached. Fifty-three percent of the men disagreed and said that physical cheating was worse.
Whether it is physical or emotional, cheating is usually the result of a bigger issue within a relationship
MSN Lifestyle writer Abraham Lloyd supports the male perspective that for men, physical cheating is more painful than emotional cheating. "As a gender, we tend to relate to everything in a physical way first," Lloyd says. "We envision our partner with another man and that feeling of rejection is emasculating."
Megan Elliott, Overland Park junior, agrees with the women in the survey. "I think emotional cheating is just as bad, if not worse than physical cheating, she says. "Physical cheating usually happens during a drunken hookup, but emotional cheating is calculated and pre-mediated."
Whether it is physical or emotional, cheating on a partner is usually the result of a bigger issue within a relationship, and cheating can be the
vehicle that enables a couple to address problems. Rivkin says, "I don't want to condone cheating, but positive things can and do happen from a moment of weakness." Rivkin says, "It certainly puts all the issues on the table in the primary relationship, which otherwise may not have come to light."
TECHNOLOGY PLAYS AN EMOTIONAL ROLE
With the wide-reaching capabilities of the Internet and cell phones, emotional cheating is easier than ever. The National Opinion Research Center's General Social Survey said that between 1991 and 2006, the numbers of unfaithful women and men under 30 increased by 20 and 45 percent, respectively. Experts from the survey think this increase has a lot to do with access to technology.
People can cheat through intimate correspondence with someone on a cell phone or through email, by meeting someone over the Internet, or by engaging in mutual masturbation by using a web camera. MSNBC's survey says that 15 percent of surveyed men and 7 percent of women have engaged in online sex or sexual webcamming, which 66 percent of people consider to be cheating.
Through password protection and multi-functional cell phones, technology provides unfailful partners with an easier method of being disloyal. Emailing was the path Kris' exes took to cheat on him. Kris says he believes technology provides more opportunities to be unfaithful.
"Technology has increased the avenues for people to cheat," Kris says. "It provides so much secrecy and capabilities for easily covering up suspicious actions."
The Internet allows people to connect on emotional levels before getting physically involved, but these emotional ties can eventually lead to physical cheating like it did for both of Kris' exes. Chat room groups such as Yahoo's "Married and Flirting" and Microsoft's "Married But Flirting" are outlets for unfaithful partners to easily seek out other people willing to cheat. Cheaters can meet new people without risking getting caught by going out.
Although technology makes it easier to meet people to be unfaithful with, it can also leave you with more digital evidence such as website history, texts and emails, putting words that used to be spoken into writing. GPS tracking makes it easy to follow the whereabouts of a suspected cheater, and sites such as Intelius can provide a doubting partner with phone records, including how many times a suspicious number appears in the call log. Technology makes it easier for the cheater to cheat, but it can also increase a cheater's chance of getting caught.
Although sex tends to be the first thing that comes to mind with cheating, emotional and
TOP TEN reasons for cheating
Women
1. Revenge for your cheating
2. Exit strategy
3. Bedroom boredom
4. Emotional withdrawal
5. Feeling ignored/underappreciated
6. Lack of intimacy
7. Payback for past wrongs
8. Self-esteem
9. Being the bad girl
10. Not enough sex
Men
1. Don't love her anymore
2. Not turned on by her anymore
3. Women allowed it before
4. Girlfriend is a snag
5. The opportunity was there
6. Ego boost
7. To see if he can get away with it
8. It's an exciting challenge
9. She cheated on him
10. She doesn't put out
Source: AskMen.com
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