The Death of a Nuclear Family
By Marissa Heffley, Jayplay writer (Or: What Happens When Mom 'n' Dad Get Un-hitched)
Former KU student Erin Hurd grew up in the perfect American family. Even though her parents didn't always get along, they always took the time to go to family reunions, shopping or to sporting events. Her parents always made sure she and her brother were raised with family as the first priority.
Hurd never expected her parents' 23-year marriage to end, but during her freshman year of college, her parents separated. Suddenly she found that her family life was about to change in ways she'd never imagined. Her parents started online dating and sold the house in which she had spent a chunk of her childhood. Hurd's world was dramatically different.
While being a child of divorced parents is not uncommon, being an adult child of divorced parents is. The United States Census Bureau reported in 2002 that 40 percent of marriages end in divorce. After a couple has been married for more than 10 years, they are 20 percent less likely to get divorced. This percentage of people leaves their children in a confusing position.
Jeffrey Zimmerman, author of Adult Children of Divorce and clinical psychologist, says adult children often feel hurt and confused when their parents split. On top of dealing with the trust and self-esteem issues that many children of divorce face, they're expected to act like an adult and be tough. One common problem of adults whose parents have recently divorced is the belief that the childhood they thought had been happy was a lie.
Hurd, for one, felt like her parents had acted
fake. "They'd act happy on holidays and at high school basketball games, but after high school it was bye-bye Brady Bunch."
Loyalty conflicts are also more common in adult children of divorce. Older children do not have the same structure that the custody agreements of younger children provide. When children choose to spend a
holiday with one side of the family, parents can easily interpret their actions as though the children are playing favorites.
Josh Magariel has grown accustomed to dealing with his parents' arguments. The Overland Park junior hasn't lived with both parents under the same roof since he was 5 years old. Magariel says he doesn't even understand the dynamics of living with two parents. Having divorced parents seems natural to him. While his parents do not fight for his and his brother and sister's attention, they occa-
and sister's attention, they sionally call him complaining about each other.
Magariel says that he has learned to communicate to both parents that he doesn't want to be caught in the middle of any of their arguments. He refuses to listen to either of them. "Basically I tell them to stop acting like children," he says.
Zimmerman agrees it's important to communicate to parents that you don't care who did what to whom. You love both of them. It's especially important for older children of divorce to stay out of their parents' disagreements because parents are more likely to talk to older children about problems.
Along with communication, counseling can help ease through the rough transitions. Adult children of divorce do not have the luxury of having parents watching out for their mental health. They need to know it's OK to feel upset and work through problems with the help of counseling.
Hurd found that her biggest problem was realizing that her parents had flaws. "It wasn't
them telling me that they were disappointed in me for coming home late, but me disappointed in them. Gradually I realized that they make mistakes just like me. I want them to still love me if I screw up, so I have to forgive them."
— Marissa Heffley can be reached at maheffley@kansan.com.
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Jayplay 4.15.04