tongue in beak (this ain't yo mama's satire)
Bush unveils "America of Tomorrow" marriage plan
By Nicki London
beak@kansan.com
Kansas saint writer
Riots broke out across the nation this week in response to President Bush's proposed marriage legislation, which would outlaw certain types of marriage.
After lobbying for his anti-gay marriage amendment, Bush now plans to restrict other marriages.
Taking time off from his war on terrorism, Bush is now focused on pushing his proposal.
Bush's new proposal would ban marriages that don't fit into his Christianized "normal man-
woman" standards.
This comes as a shock to most Americans who may be unaware of what "normal" means to the president.
After a brief conference at the White House, a news release was issued to inform the public of Bush's vision.
Kansan file photo
President Bush demonstrated how to properly push mixed raced couples aside when in public areas. Bush was speaking about the economy when he went off on a tangent about his new marriage proposal.
According to the release, the bans are designed to make America what it once was and could possibly be.
Bush emphasized that changes must be made in order to achieve his pure-bred "America of Tomorrow."
Bush's "America of Tomorrow" consists of conformity, which is being compared to the visions of Hitler and his elite race. Bush's plans are to take children at the tender age of three, send them to select labs around the country and program their thoughts and behaviors to fit into the "Christian, heterosexual and violent individual model of the most powerful nation."
Bush stressed the importance of purity which can only come from heterosexuals with a Christian background.
"I truly believe that the only functioning humans in this country come from homes where the father is a dominant figure and stresses the roles that are appropriate for the children. I think a good start is to weed out all the negatives that are affecting our children," Bush said.
Under Bush's proposal, no gay marriage would be allowed. He said in order to assure future generations of "normalcy," marriage must be between a man and a
The plan also regulates interracial couples. No longer will couples of different races be allowed to marry. Bush said in order to reach the perfect "America of Tomorrow," a pure race must be achieved.
woman.
Sasha Johnson and Michael Clark, Seattle seniors, feel that this is completely absurd. Johnson, an African American, and Clark, of Irish descent, plan a Spring 2005 wedding.
"This is absolutely ridiculous. What's next, limiting the number of children we are allowed to have? Bush needs to be stopped. The executive power has gone to his head." Johnson said.
Another regulation would forbid bilingual individuals from marrying at all. Bush believes the only language children should learn from their parents is English.
Bush also proposed age limits for those seeking to walk down the aisle or even to their local courthouse. Under his proposed legislation no one under the age of 33 would be permitted to wed. Bush said this was because of the high divorce rate among the young and immature.
Bush went on to suggest that small people, mentally insane, mentally handicapped, and physically handicapped people would
also be subject to strict regulations on marriage. He said that since they don't fall into the category of the "Perfect American of Tomorrow," they pose a risk to society and should lose marriage rights and possibly the right to reproduce.
Bush would also ban any American with a sexually transmitted disease from getting married.
"The spread of genital diseases is on the rise and Americans need to prevent this. But since they aren't doing anything about it, I will." Bush said.
Shocked Americans have been filling government offices and traveling to Pennsylvania Avenue in protest of Bush's proposal. Margo Brown, Lincoln, Neb., sophomore and gay activist, made the trip to Washington to protest the legislation.
"I feel that it is an extreme infringement on human rights. This will not stand. The 'normal' American of today doesn't fall into Bush's vision at all."
Petitions have circulated around the Internet to encourage Americans to fight against this injustice.
The legislation will make its way through Congress next week. There is no official word on what the vote will be.
City avoids fixing potholes English majors bulk up with 'roids to save money for hot tub Students linked in distribution ring after papers shrink
This photo from Section 112.5B of the City of Lawrence's constitution showed a pothole deemed acceptable by the Department of the Gradual Deterioration of Lawrence Road Before Repair. The constitution said a Beetle must be completely submerged before the city would take action.
— Edited by Danielle Hillix
By Iron Roger the Cuthroat beak@kansan.com Kansan staff writer
Contributed photo
Members of the Lawrence Police and Fire Department worked for two hours pulling a stranded motorist late yesterday afternoon out of what initially was reported as a sinkhole. A twist was added when the Kansas Geological Survey was called in and the gaping pit was deemed to simply be a larger-than-average pothole.
"It's a biggie," senior surveyor Greg Gillam said.
The motorist, whose wished to remain anonymous, suffered minor wounds and damaged pride.
"I was so amazed at the size of the thing," the victim said. "I just froze up."
An eyewitness to the event claimed that a short bus could have easily fit into the pothole. To make matters worse, the car was totaled, and the motorist's insurance did not cover pothole damage.
Although it sounds unusual, the City of Lawrence has a special department to deal with this kind of situation. The DGDLRBR, or the Department of the Gradual Deterioration of Lawrence Road Before Repair, has clearly defined regulation laid out in the city's constitution. Section 112.5B states:
"Repair crews for the roads within the city limits shall only be dispatched if the damage to the road should cause motor vehicles, ranging from mid-sized trucks to minivan, to become stuck in them. Volkswagen Bee
ties must be completely submerged in the road before any action should be taken."
This policy may seem harsh, but City Commissioner Bill Harman defends it. He said if adequate funds were allocated to the repair of the streets, it would be a crippling blow to the funds for City Hall's new rooftop pool and hot tub project. He noted that there is an arcade downtown offered "training courses" in dodging obstacles like potholes or asteroids for a mere 25 cents.
When Elizabeth Newman, president of the PADGDLRBR, or People Against the Department of the Gradual Deterioration of Lawrence Road Before Repair, called this justification a crime against humanity, comparing Commissioner Harman to "a big fat man who kicks puppies," Harman responded, "Well, have you seen how far they fly?" Regardless of Harman's hobbies few Lawrencians see the point in the rooftop pool, especially when
such projects endanger children.
The superintendent of schools even got in on the argument, complaining of a time when a school bus carrying twelve young students, eager for knowledge, became trapped in one of these 'potholes' or as the Superintendent called them, "Big Mutha F****ing craters." Tragically these kids did not make it to school on time and were labeled as children left behind.
"In compliance with the president's wishes," the superintendent said. "All of those children have been expelled. I'm proud to say Lawrence's schools still have no children left behind."
The City Commission frolics in a bubbling fountain like a band of sorority girls after Bid Day while columns of black smoke rise from burning school buses. Some antipothole activists also suggest that pro-active citizens take to the streets with pickaxes and sledgehammers to speed the need for road repair.
- Edited by Meghan Brune
By Robert Arlington beak@kansan.com Kansan staff writer
First baseball diamonds, now classrooms.
Two English Department students were linked in a steroid-distribution ring, according to information given to The University Daily Kansan yesterday.
Graduate students Mark Riley, Topeka, and George Robinson, Chicago, were reported to have received steroids and human growth hormone from a nutritional supplements lab implicated in a steroid-distribution ring.
Both students were concerned about their ability to compete in the cutthroat essay writing classes that they were enrolled at in the English Department, but both deny ever using steroids.
Riley refused to comment when confronted at his dorm room in Ellsworth Hall, softly telling a reporter: "Get out of my hall."
His floormates said they would not comment on the report.
Robinson was not available for comment.
"We continue to adamantly deny that Riley or Robinson was provided, furnished or supplied any of those substances at any time by their TAs," their attorney Angela Rains told the Kansan yesterday.
Alleged steroid use in the classroom has always been a problem for Riley and Robinson, but Riley's position as the top paper
"A guy doesn't go from writing 7,500 words minimum for two semesters and suddenly write a 5,250 mid-term. Something's going on here,and you just can't ignore it."
Ryan Jackson Teaching assistant and paper evaluator
writer in the department makes case even more troublesome. After starting his academic career as a geography major, he soon switched to English.
In only two semesters, Riley went from a guy who wrote many papers to a power writer, someone who routinely wrote 5,000 word essays.
Many students consider Riley to be the premier writer of his class.
He attributes his output over the semesters to intense weight training, proper diet and a regimen of legal study aids, such as caffeine and energy pills.
However, after testifying in the Student Senate's hearing on steroid use in the classroom, his name has swelled in talk of illegal use of student's use of anabolic steroids and the human growth hormone to improve grades and papers.
Since the hearing, the subject of steroids has swept the English Department this semester, prompting many professors to
take a closer look — fairly or unfairly — at many of its term papers.
Several mid-term papers, including Riley's and Robinson's, have been described by some as shorter than usual.
"His paper looked shorter to me," said Bruce Maxwell, Robinson's English 336 Jewish American Literature and Culture professor. "Riley writes long papers and it was still a long paper. I didn't think it was drastic."
However, others have questioned the difference in length that has been noticed all around the department.
"A guy doesn't go from writing 7,500 words minimum for two semesters and suddenly write a 5,250 word mid-term," said teaching assistant and paper evaluator Ryan Jackson. "Some-things going on here, and you can't just ignore it."
The University of Kansas is hoping that speculation from students and teachers alike does not get out of hand.
A recent memo to all students from Executive Vice Chancellor for University Relations Janet Murguia told them to decline comment on steroids.
Also, Chancellor Robert Hemingway hopes the English department can institute a zero-tolerance policy on steroid use similar to one that covers students in the School of Journalism.
"There's been enough comment," he said. "We know what we have to do and we're going to do it."
Edited by Kevin Flaherty
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