8A the university daily kansan
tongue in beak (it's satire, foo')
Jean shorts bane of trendsetters
Springtime is here, and with the warmer weather comes an article of clothing that makes me want to vom. Jean shorts. As a Greek trendsetter, it is my responsibility to suggest that anyone who owns denim shorts immediately gives them to the homeless, or at least sell them to Arizona Trading Company, 734 Massachusetts St.
commentary
Look, when I'm sitting in my Biology 100 lecture, hungover from drinking too many Tequila Rose shots with my girls at The Wheel, the last thing I want to see is some heinous, tight, eighth-grade-looking pair of shorts that don't go with anything. They're sick. When was the last time you saw anyone from Friends wearing jean shorts? It would be like seeing Rachel with a perm.
Lexus Louis Vuitton beak@kansan.com
I love being a trendsetter and please don't call me a follower. I have my own style and it's a little quirky! It's a mix of Tara Reid (post Carson), Cameron Diaz (with Justin) and Reese Witherspoon (any time period, but especially Sweet Home Alabama). As a sorority woman, I choose to express my individuality every day. For example, my roommate's favorite color is pink. Mine is pink too, but more of a hot pink. My choice of a fresh, flirty hue is only one of the many ways I express my unique personality in a trendstyle.
The one form of jean shorts I'll approve of is a low-rise, faded, hip-hugging model that I've seen Paris Hilton wearing on FOX's The Simple Life. They can be cute with a pair of heels and a Tiffany charm bracelet. It says casual, but cute.
I hate to say it, but if you wear a nasty pair of jean shorts, you are encouraging the stereotype that you don't have a life and don't
care about your appearance. Even on the days when I've been out at Fatso's and then an after party at Sigma Nu, I still find the time to pull my hair back in a messy-but-cute ponytail, throw on some Juicy sweats, flip-flops and my favorite pair of huge sunglasses. I saw Jamie-Lynn DiScala wearing the same thing on a Melrose shopping spree with her hot husband in US Weekly.
Not everyone can be a trendsetter, but you can at least take some hints from those of us who are. Guys, why not try substituting your jean shorts with a cute pair of cargo pants? Ladies, a cute short skirt is just as easy to throw on and looks hot with anything. Follow your own individual style, just make sure it's not nasty. If you have questions, why not check out my sorority's party pics online? With the thousands of photos of us mugging for the camera, you're sure to find one outfit that inspires you.
*Lexus Louis Vuitton is an Overland Park park in communications*
Replay patrons attacked with water balloons
A fury of water balloons were released above the patio area of the Replay Lounge, 946 Massachusetts St., at 1:40 a.m. Saturday
Replay bartender Ernie Black estimated that more than 300 water balloons rained down upon the packed crowd of stumbling patrons.
"Oh yeah, right after it happened, there was nothing but silence," he said with a smile. "And then came the cussin' and the screamin' of course."
"I felt like a child again," said Mike Trewolla, Twin Falls, ID, senior, about falling balloons. "Luckily, I was wearing my nauga hyde jacket which is almost completely water-resistant." he said.
Lawrence rookie investigator Benny Goodcop said that the balloons were likely slung from the top of a nearby building.
While no single person or organization has claimed responsibility for the strike, Goodcop suspects a strong link to the Greek community.
Goodcop says a taskforce found Greek lettering inscribed on several of the ruptured balloons.
"The prank was probably an attempt of the Greeks to gain a foothold against the recent insurgence of independent-minded downtown hipsters," said Goodcoop.
Still, others have credited the elusive Lord Wadsworth for conjuring the event in an attempt to defame the Greek community while, at the same time, fooling Lawrence's most pretentious demographic.
After much debate and counsel, Lawrence arbiter Dave Byrline insists that the surprise attack could not have been prevented.
New high-fat diet endorsed by FDA
Casey Miller
Mrs. E's, Market to offer fatty deals to KU students
By Nicki London
beak@kansan.com
Kansan scriet writer
University of Kansas students who enjoy the crispiness of a fresh salad or the tantalizing aroma of baked salmon will soon be trading in their Carb Solutions and vegetarian diets.
In response to the lack of benefits offered by these so called "health foods," the Food and Drug Administration is installing an all-fat diet plan.
The FDA reported that in 2003, 70 percent of Americans were on low-carb or no-carb diets. This meant new products that were profitable for producers and beneficial to consumers.
Food services across the nation will be urged to provide their customers with alternatives to salads and sub sandwiches.
These included low-carb donuts, cereal, bagels and pasta. Even marketing no-carb sodas, beer and oatmeal became popular.
"healthier" foods weren't helping the health of Americans, the FDA proposed new guidelines.
After learning that these
These guidelines require foods to be cooked in 100 percent lard, contain 50 percent cholesterol and have double the calories of the original product and will be in effect by late August, FDA officials said.
What does this mean to Americans who live on vegetables and fruits? It means getting your new standardized diet from your favorite restaurant or grocery store.
McDonald's plans to offer super sizing for their super-sized meals, offering two pounds of America's favorite fries per value meal.
Melena Robinson, Leavenworth junior, said that customers were coming in dovers to eat America's favorite fries.
"Business has really increased since the low-carb diet phased out," she said. "People are buying up our fries like there is no tomorrow."
Grocery stores will be shipped nonlean meats that will replace the stores' current supply of lean meats.
What does that mean for KU students who can't afford prime rib, deep-fat fried taters and
cherry-cheesecake for dessert? It means looking for substitutes to satisfy their hunger and their wallets.
The Market in the Union will offer buy-one-get-three-free personal pan pizzas on Fridays. This will help students reach the 14 bread servings allotted by the FDA.
Wescoe Terrace will also offer fat-soaked meals at discount prices. Students will be able to order toasted Twinkies and cheese danishes at the mere cost of $2 per dozen. Wescoe employees said this will help with the recommended daily sugar intake.
Diet sodas will no longer be permitted in vending machines, so pure sugar substitutes will take their place.
To counteract low-carb beers, companies like Miller and Budweiser will offer new darker beers that contain three times the calories of their older staples.
Dwain Lane, Topeka senior, has been frequenting the bars downtown to fill his carb needs.
College students may be wondering how they will be able to satisfy the FDA's high-carb recommendation. Have no fear, new beers are here.
"I usually have about six beers
before heading downtown," he said. "Then, through out the night, I probably have about eight more. I have my health to think about, you know."
Those who fear that they still may not get their daily fat requirements can stop at their local grocery store for "fat cues."
These cups come in sixpacks, much like pudding containers, and each contain 30 grams of fat.
Customers will be able to choose from animal or vegetable derived fat in an assortment of gooey, sticky textures.
Stacey Romano and Amy Franco, Joplin, Mo., juniors usually buy both varieties and share.
"We'll sit on the porch and see which one of us can eat it the quickest," Romano said.
Franco said it was good to have a dieting partner.
"It's fun getting fat with your friends." she said.
The FDA hopes to have the guidelines will replace the outdated material that some Americans still go by. By March 2005, low-carb alternatives should be completely off shelves.
Edited by Michelle Rodick
Parking department overcome by loony obsessed with avoiding fine
By Ted Lake
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
Alex Harmon, fifth-year senior, was feeling bad about himself.
It was a bright and sunny day when Alex went to the doctor at Watkins Health Center.
According to Harmon, this was largely due to a "giant egg-sized growth in my throat" that turned out to be the worst case of tonsillitis seen at Kansas University in several years.
Normally, the tonsillectomy procedure is relatively brief, completed in an hour or two. This was not the case with Harmon — he had to deal with the ever-present danger to his car.
No one was trying to break in, nor was anyone stripping down his hardware. No one was hot-wiring it or keying it.
However, his car was in danger of meeting with a character straight out of the University's oldest lore; the meter maid.
"The first twenty minutes of the tonsillectomy were fine, but I only had 53 cents on me when I got there. After those twenty minutes I had to go search my car for more change so I wouldn't get a ticket."
"I told her ' [expletive] that, why the [expletive] would I want to do that?"
Alex Harmon Fifth-year senior
And so with shaky legs, a bloodstream full of anesthetics, and rivulets of spitle running down his chin, Harmon made his way drunkenly into the parking lot.
Upon arriving at his car, he realized he had left his keys in his clothes. After realizing he'd left his clothes in the health center, he realized he was nearly naked.
"I was just a little embarrassed," Harmon said. "Didn't even cross my mind when I was walking out the door."
He ran in and retrieved his clothes and keys, only to find a total of 16 cents in his car after searching "every freaking crack
and crevice." This bought him another six minutes of surgery.
Doctors had warned Harmon not to leave during the surgery, but he was too concerned with avoiding the pink envelope to care about his surgery, his tonsils or his life. He was also warned that physical activity such as walking or dancing on the street in front of Watkins half-naked in an inpatient gown for change from strangers could seriously jeopardize the surgery and the effectiveness of his anesthesia. He persevered anyway.
"Who wants to pay a $20 ticket on top of their medical bills? I was willing to do just about anything to avoid it," Harmon said. "Except for the public nudity charges pressed by that girl that almost wrecked her car after seeing me, I think I made the right decision."
At one point, Harmon said, a parking department representative was about to leave a ticket, but ran away when she saw Harmon lurching toward her.
The representative, who opted to remain anonymous, commented that the scene was
vaguely familiar.
"He looked like someone out of Night of the Living Dead, all drooling and glassy-eyed," she said. "When he got closer, he started gyrating and mumbling something like, 'Mambo mambo, I got mambo for days,' and that's when I took off."
Harmon's story does not end in the same anguish. He was able to raise a stupefying $2.50 in various nickels, dimes, and quarters for his spastic movements resembling the motions of someone en flambe.
It was this money with which he was able to purchase a full hour of parking. On his way back in for the last round of his tonsillectomy, a female receptionist informed Harmon of his right to petition any tickets received while in the health center for a procedure.
"I told her, '[expletive] that, why the [expletive] would I want to do that?" Harmon slurred. "I avoided the [expletive] ticket, up [expletive] front, you bet your [expletive][expletive] I [expletive] did."
- Edited by Kevin Flaherty
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