wednesday, april 14, 2004
tongue in beak (it's better than television)
the university daily kansan 7A
American Idols pose nude
William Hung, Clay and Ruben bare all for 'Plavgirl'
By Crisco Ford
beak@kansan.com
kansan satire writer
William Hung, the 21-year-old American Idol reject famous for his bizarre version of Ricky Martin's She Bangs, has signed a fivefigure contract with Playgirl to pose in an American Idol spread.
Hung said that although he had never seen himself naked he thought the pictorial would increase his odds to become the next Ricky Martin.
"Ishower in my underwear and don't look in mirrors for fear that they will steal my soul," Hung said.
Also on board are fellow American Idol stars Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard.
The threesome will be featured in the magazine's August issue.
Not known for their striking good looks, the three men still appeal to their loyal fan base.
Twiggy Berry, Playgirl spokeswoman, said the three stars had little talent and even less in the looks department but because America has gone crazy and "eats this stuff up," the magazine would sell well.
"Normally, I wouldn't put out an issue featuring an obese black man, the kid from Deliverance
Berry said the issue would be called Black, White and Hung.
and a creepy Asian student naked," Berry said. "But we're Playgirl. Am I going to take the high road?"
—Edited by Cindy Yeo
Hello Jayhawks! After getting axed this semester, Tongue in Beak is back for one more appearance. If you are craving inappropriateness, Jayson Blair-style reporting and blatant lies, look no further! The next four pages are filled with the crap you crave. Don't be a pantywaist and freak out because everything you are about to read in the next four pages is fake. The names are fake, the facts are fake, it's all fake.
HYGIENE
Amanda Kim Stairrett, Special Sections Editor
Campus janitor tired of students' errant shit
Janitor U.P. Chuck McFlor shine is fed up.
in his 32 years at the University of Kansas he never had a problem with his job until this year.
According to McFlorshine, the 2003-2004 college year at the University has yielded the most bathroom messes he had seen.
"I've worked at KU since 1972 and never before have I mopped up more piss and shit," McFlorshine said. "These kids just keep missing their marks, and I'm not just talking about the fellas."
The University had no statistics on this issue. National statistics from the National Janitorial Review's 2001 study titled, "Toilet Misses: Silent but Deadly," show that although there is no real change from year to year in occurrences, 59 percent of toilet misses are alcohol-related.
The University of Kansas doesn't sell alcohol on campus, and McFlorshine said most of the leavings he cleans up happen during daytime hours when classes are in session.
"I just wish more students would drop their kids off at the pool and not next to the pool," McFlorshine said.
After being informed of the issue, Mary Sunkiss, University
"I thought that maybe if we allowed students to regress back to the time in their lives when potty-time was a celebrated game, then they would try harder to hit their marks," Sunkiss said.
The proposed program would be titled, "KU Students — Stay On Target."
Public Relations, has proposed painting targets inside University toilets and urinals.
CHANCELLOR-LICIOUS
In addition to painted targets, posters would be placed around toilets and urinals.
Possible poster slogans include, "Loddy dotty, you likes to potty" and "Keep it in the toilet...don't bother nobody."
Chancellor lays smack down with peppermill
The Lawrence Police Department reported that University of Kansas Chancellor Robert Hempower was involved in an
altercation with a student off- duty yesterday morning.
Hemenway was involved in an
Hemenway was at Bed, Bath & Beyond when he was approached by Flint Eichman, Kalvesta junior. According to
—Crisco Ford
Hemingway
"Why hello there Chancellor Heminaway."
the police report, Eichman said.
"That's when he went ape shit," said Nabee Kim, Bed, Bath & Beyond employee.
Kim said Hemenway knocked Eichman to the ground with a large wooden pepper mill and put him in a 'sleeper' hold. Hemenway subdued and berated Eichman for several minutes.
"That poor guy was whimpering a lot and the chancellor yelled, 'What's my name? I'm Robert Hemenway, bitch!'" Kim said.
In a press conference yesterday evening, the chancellor apologized.
"I regret my behavior and I am sorry for the action I took against Mr. Eichman," he said, after breaking down. "I snapped. It just really
chaps my hide when students call me Hemingway. I mean, come on, I'm the freakin' camellior!
Eichman dropped assault charges after meeting with the chancellor and his lawyers. Neither party would say what was discussed in the meeting but University representatives said a deal was made between the chancellor and Eichman.
Eichman was tight-lipped about the meeting but said he learned a valuable lesson.
"Yeah, I won't make that mistake again," he said. "That guy has arms like vice grips. If this chancellorling thing ever falls through, he could be a lumberjack or something."
Greek community doesn't care anymore
Kim Curtis
Students tired of helping young, old,poor, stupid
By Isabel Williamsburg
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
According to a recent report, the University of Kansas greek community has done nothing to help anyone this semester.
"It's not so bad, really. We're not hurting anyone; we're just not helping. So actually, maybe it is helping. Let me think about that a sec," said Justin Simpson, Lawrence senior and Delta Alpha Gamma president, on the abrupt abandonment of community service efforts.
According to greek leaders, the traditional emphasis on service has been reversed because of a general feeling of boredom with making positive contributions to society.
"This new policy has really enriched my life. Before, I used to spend all this time trying to teach these really stupid kids to read. Now I go tanning and stuff. It's a better use of my time."
Allison Carvey Chicago sophomore
"I mean, seriously. I have, like, a hundred T-shirts from Days of Caring and stuff like that. Just once I'd like to have a Day of Sitting On Your Butt T-shirt," Sigma Kappa Phi member Krystal Kurtz, Oskaloosa junior, said. "It just gets old, you know?"
KU greeks report that they
have spent the thousands of hours saved by being shamelessly self-interested on such pursuits as playing Frisbee, doing their nails and getting wasted.
"This new policy has really enriched my life," Nu Epsilon Tau member Allison Carvey, Chicago sophomore, said. "Before, I used to spend all this time trying to teach these really stupid kids to read. Now I go tanning and stuff. It's a better use of my time."
"It's probably better for everyone," Kappa Sigma Delta member Bryce Johnson, Mission junior, said. "Those old people I used to visit at the retirement homes were always yelling at me for interrupting their naps."
"We're really proud of our KU chapter," Delta Nu Omega spokesman Carson Keller said in a statement. "It takes a special
Responses from chapter headquarters have been positive so far, houses report.
group of people to recognize that they weren't making a difference anyway. Kudos to them."
Awards traditionally given out for outstanding community service have been discontinued in response to the change.
New awards are being designed for nontraditional categories such as Best Highlights and Perkiest for the sorority division, and Highest Alcohol Tolerance and Most Resembling Abercromble Models for fraternities.
"We're all really psyched about the new categories," Chi Alpha Beta member Chelsea Chambers, Denver senior, said. "It's about time we were recognized for something we're actually good at."
"The judging for the new awards will be a lot fairer. Is that a word?" housemate Ashley Robert, Lawrence junior, said. "Before, people would count the hours they weren't driving drunk as service. That kind of seems
like cheating to me."
Just because they have removed themselves from society doesn't mean they aren't helping others, some greeks insist.
"My mom always says that service begins at home," Kappa Theta Omega member Leslie Randolph, Omaha, Neb., senior, said. "Now that I'm not doing community service, I have more time to give my roommate advice about her love life. What could be more selfless than that?"
As KU greeks win praise from campuses across the country. University administration is also commending the Greek community on its new policy.
"Here at KU we pride ourselves on being innovative and forward-thinking," Chancellor Bob Hemenway said. "I think these kids are definitely on the right track."
Quick, while your teacher isn't looking, draw pretty picture here!
—Edited by Collin LaJoie
P. S. The answer to 29 across is "Lena."
Plasma, egg donations now required
By Grace Maxwell
beak@kansan.com
Kansan satire writer
University administration presented its resolution regarding low pay for teachers to KU faculty and staff yesterday. To curtail the low morale amongst professors, the administration proposed a unique solution to fund pay raises: mandatory plasma donation or egg harvesting for all incoming freshmen.
"It's not a radical procedure but a progressive way to prevent tuition increases," said David Shulenburger, provost and executive vice chancellor. "We're surrounded by healthy young men and women. The University views plasma donation and egg harvesting as a legitimate means to combat budget cuts without affecting tuition."
Shulenburger acknowledged that salaries at the University are in the bottom 10 percent among public research institutions.
Previously, University administration investigated decreasing athletic scholarships to alleviate
"The men's basketball team only made it to the Elite Eight this year, and we just acquired a new women's coach. Now is not the time to downsize our recruiting budget or alienate our Williams Fund members," said Kansas athletics director Lew Perkins.
the lack of funding. The overwhelmingly negative response from the Athletics Department and private donors tabled that possibility.
Students were polled to determine their responsiveness to the proposal.
Said Dinah Kabble, Buhler freshman, "Another tuition increase is not an option for me. If I have to choose between plasma donation or paying more, I'll get my veins ready."
Donation sites will be set up at Watkins Memorial Health Center beginning August 2004.
Students are prohibited from enrolling until a donation is confirmed by the Bursar's Office.
To register, go to your Kyou portal and locate the Finances tab. Click on the option labeled Student Donation and you come
to Account Summary/Make a Payment. List your blood type, any current medications, and last day of menstrual cycle, if applicable.
Students should be aware that egg harvesting requires a semester-long commitment, and plasma donation a fiscal year. Those students not selected for the donation procedure must pay an extra campus fee.
Edited by Cindy Yeo
Flyers will be posted in all residence halls, reminding students to set up appointments by calling 555-4161.
Myra Strother, chief of staff at
Watkins, said the Health Center was already making changes to accommodate the new policy. She said mobile units called "Plasmobiles" and "EggWagons" will visit the dorms on a bi-weekly basis.
How Student Senate candidates can get students to care about the elections:
Coalition mascots
Take vowels out of candidates' last names. Jonny Ng all the way!
Party bus to and from polling sites
Jousting on Wescoe Beach, refereed by Lord Wads
Cover all concrete surfaces with chalk, hand out a truckload of buttons and distribute handbills every five feet...oh,wait
Instead of an election, hold a pagear Munch in a bikini .mmmmmmm
Munch in a bikini . . . mmmmmmmm
Votes based on strip shows
More special interest groups: The Anathetic Students' Lobby
Twenty-five cent hot dogs
Apathetic Students' Lobby
Syrup chugging
Keep it simple, hold informal debate at The Crossing, 618 West 12th Street