photo illustration: Amanda Kim Stairrett
Your apartment is littered with trash. The remote is gone and so is your roommate. In her place is an unfamiliar person. Who is this strange person? Are they squatting or simply visiting? Either way, your roommate's significant other is ruining your life.
Chances are that at some point you will deal with a roommate's or a friend's significant other whom you dislike. It's hard to know the right way to handle an awkward situation when that significant other is taking over your living space and your friend. Whether you choose to discuss the issue or ignore it, the first priority is to figure out why you have those feelings and how you are going to deal with them.
It is important to spend time with the couple in an attempt to get to know the significant other. Figuring out the true basis of the dislike for the person should be a main goal says Laura Talley, Lawrence psychologist. Talley says that if you know that, you will be able to talk to your friend. "Make sure you're diplomatic in your presentation so it doesn't make your friend become defensive in the answer." Talley says your friendship depends on the amount of effort you put into it. Talking could help resolve some of the high emotions.
Not all people feel comfortable talking about their feelings to the offending couple. Christa Molinaro, Edmond, Okla., sophomore, was angry with her roommate this summer when she allowed her boyfriend to move in without paying the bills. Molinaro repeatedly woke up to her roommate having sex with her boyfriend and was frustrated with the trash he left all over the house. Molinaro dealt with her anger by ignoring the situation and her roommate. "We never invited her out because we felt she disrespected us. I didn't like her because her boyfriend was living there and she allowed it. She was loyal to him and not to us. She didn't ask if he could live there once."
Unless there is danger in the relationship, keeping your mouth shut is a good idea, says Barrie Arachtingi, Lawrence psychologist. Arachtingi says that it is important to figure out the cause of your dislike, but that revealing your feelings will only cause your roommate to become defensive and side with the person they're dating. Her advice is to try to spend more time with your roommate because jealousy is often an issue. "There needs to be recognition that it's your friends life, not your life, and the best thing you can do as a friend is be supportive even if you don't like the choices they are making," says Arachtingi.
Whether you choose to say something or remain quiet, you should feel comfortable in your living environment and with your friendship. Arachtingi says many friendships are longer than college relationships. "With college-aged students, the likelihood of a breakup is high. If you get mad at your friend and then they break up, then the friendship is broken too." Remember you are friends for a reason, regardless of the significant other.
— Lindsay Kiliper can be reached at kiliper@kansan.com.
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