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The blame game How to recover from criticism with ego intact
- Story by Alice E. Yeo
- Illustration by Demond Robinson
Francis De Salvo directs the KU counseling and psychological services at Watkins Health Center. The good news, De Salvo said, is that the cycle is normal. The bad news is it has troubled the twenty-something generations for decades.
If only everyone would follow rule No.312 in H. Jackson Brown, Jr.'s Life's Little Instruction Book, there would be no blame game cycle. The rule states: "When tempted to criticize your parents, spouse, or children, bite your tongue."
proval, from how you dress to what you choose to do to make a living. As college students leave the microcosm of academia, it is important to evaluate self-esteem and confidence. After all, confidence shows in a job interview. Trying to find a job can wear down any recent graduate's freshly polished ego.
Unfortunately, all people are caught in the blame game at some point in their lives, usually early adulthood. Young adults often blame parents for the pain they inflict by expressing any disap-
Preventative measures can be taken however. The more prepared students are for the formal emotional break from parents post-graduation, the better they will fare in "the real world."
"It's about learning to be who you are, nothing less." De Salvo said.
De Salvo sees the blame game as a universal stage of development, and not a current generational problem of delinquent young adults. The way out of the cycle of hurt, anger, defensiveness and blame is technically called separation individuation, and it first involves matching up your values with your parents — seeing which ones fit and which don't.
parent-child relationships. Dealing with emotional independence early on is one key to happiness. Otherwise, your successes will never be your own. They will always be based on someone else's evaluation—a parent or an employer's.
Separating your values from your parents, taking the step beyond rebellion, requires hard work and causes tension in
The process requires you to identify your models, and most importantly, make your stamp of approval count the most.
Step 1: Don't blame.
William Mundy blamed his parents for never giving him the approval he needed as a child. In 1958, Mundy accomplished
enjoy his success.
"My successes made me transiently happy, not permanently content," Mundy said.
Richard Nadeau was born clinically blind and cross-eyed. He learned the hard way that blaming his parents for his disability didn't change the fact that he was
He had not learned to depend on his own approval for satisfaction. When he changed jobs and became a psychoanalyst, he said that he loved going to work every day and that he finally felt less need for his parents' approval.
his professional goal of becoming the President of the Heart Association and the Kansas City Society of Internists' founding member. Still, he didn't completely
blind.
father's approval.
"If you're blaming, you're not learning. You're putting someone else in charge," he said.
He overcame his self-doubt and learned to believe that he could succeed. He now manages a successful 30-year-old psychotherapy practice.
Above all, he learned that when he blamed his parents for things they did or didn't do
— whether it be an inherited disability or the withholding of approval for an occupational choice — the persons he blamed were still in charge.
"You just respond to what they want by rebelling and doing the exact opposite, not evaluating what you really want or need," Nadeau said.
Step 2: Create your own models.
Lots of people don't get approval from their parents for everything they do. This is natural. People have differences in opinion and this includes parents and their children. If your parents don't approve, don't let it keep you from enjoying little or big accomplishments. Look somewhere else.
Nadeau said people wait a lifetime to get their mother's or
It's not because parents don't love their children that they disapprove, it's because each parent has a set of their own values
May 1996 The Hill
Graduation 12