Swingin' with Moron: The Student Revolt
(Ronald Reagan, that abused governor out in California, is now learning what happens when politicians meddle with that paragon of intellectual virtue, American Higher Education. But the State of California isn't the only state in this Union that has trouble with discontent students who would rather do it themselves.
This reporter went to another American state university which had also been plagued by student revolt—but had been taking action to placate the students, and grant their wishes.)
"Chancellor Salivate will see you now, sir," said the pert little teenie-bopper-turned-secretary.
I leered politely at her and walked toward Salivate's office nestled in the bosom of the psychological experimentation laboratory. Several workmen were outside, painting gold letters on the wall. I could barely decipher them.
"STATE OF ANARCHY, UNIVERSITY OF Confus. . ."
I entered the office. Standing on a soap box in the corner was the new Chancellor of Confusion U., Moron Salivate. Salivate had just taken office yesterday, after a mob of 100,000 students had burned down the State capitol building and keel-hauled the Board of Regents in a nearby lake.
What's shakin', baby," said Salivate, wiping red paint off his hands.
"Well, Chancellor Salivate, I'm a member of the student press in a far off land called Kansas, and I'd like to see for myself if students can really run a university."
"SWINGIN', HONEY."
"No sweat, sweets. Somebody will do it."
"You're probably right, Chancellor. Let's forget those non-academic questions for a moment. Now tell me, what major academic changes do you have in mind?"
"Plenty, man. Like we're changin' the Department of Agriculture to the Department of Grass. . . . Grass, get it, man?' And all those language departments—like English, for example—are gonna be the Nuevo Lingo Club. You'd love it, baby."
"IM SURE, CHANCELLOR."
"Yeah, the only department we ain't changing much is the speech department—we'll call it the FREE speech department instead."
"It sounds interesting, Chancellor. I remember when you were just a sub-agitator, and your first concern was allowing students to choose their own classes."
"Those were the days, daddy."
"Well, can you tell me about some of the new classes the students have chosen?"
"UH-HUH. LEMME SEE NOW. There's one cool class called 'Man and Napalm,' and another vocational course named 'The History and Art of Making a Molotov Cocktail.'"
"Chancellor, I have just a few more questions, and then I'll leave."
"OK, man. I'm gonna split here myself."
"I know you were pretty big on academic freedom in the old days. Academically speaking, how free is Confusion U. now?"
"ACADEMIC FREEDOM, man, is the reason I'm here. In fact, this whole student revolution is about academic freedom. Like at Confusion U.-when they told us we couldn't lick the cubes while riding on the dorm elevator, we busted out."
"And now, Chancellor, can students take trips while riding the elevators?"
"Yeah, man. The only thing a student CAN't do at Confusion U. is wear a crew cut, smoke straight weeds in class, own Roger Williams records, or have non-regulation sandals in the dormitory."
"Well, that doesn't seem very FREE. Chancellor I mean, isn't freedom for all kinds of people—even if they do have crew cuts?"
"MAN, YOU'RE JUST LIKE those other goons. Those freedoms ain't academic!"
"OK, Moron. Just one more question—what did you do with the old faculty and administrators?"
"See them guys out there watering the lawn?"
"Yes."
"The two on the left are the old deans of the college, and the one holding the hose is the old chancellor."
I kow-towed to Chancellor Salivate and left. Outside, a balding man holding a water hose was humming a familiar tune that sounded like my high school Alma Mater song—but he was doing it with his head bowed.
Dan Austin
All, All Honorable Men
Indian Students Mr. N. K. Chauhan, S coed S cstery of Indian Emfem, Indian students and faculty, 7:30 p.m., tonight (Tues.) 306 Kansas University
People-to-People: Openings available or for foreign students to sign up for Leavenworth prison tour, Friday, neon in PIP office today.
Official Bulletin
Psychology Colloq. 4 p.m. Dr. Uda Pawan, of N.C. Forum Room, Kan-
Pawan.
KU-Y Membership Meeting, 7 p.m.
G.S.P.
Linguistics Colloq., 8 p.m. Kumilko
Takahara, KU. Pine, Kansas
Kansas
Lecture. 8 p.m. Dr. Allen P. Morrison, Anthropology, Indiana U. "Explanations in African Music." Forum Room, Kansas Union.
Law Wives, 7.30 p.m. Speaker; Pr f.
Vival. Grad. Hill
TOMORROW
Poetry  Read n.g. 4 p.m.  Thomas Kinsella, Ireland. Parlor C. Kansas Union
*Summar*, 3; 3; 3; *Midun A'erde*, West Rading Room, Watson
Le Course Francaise se reunit mercredi salle Jahawk. Madame Anita Whit-fera une caisserie illustrée sur s'appelez Jahawk Sports Car Club. 7 p.m.
Classical Fim, 7 & 9 p.m. 'Ashes
and, Diamonds', Pollo Dhane, Diah &
Joseph.
Amer. Soc. Civil Engineers, 7:33 p.m. Parlors A & B, Kansas Union.
Daily Kansan
2
LITTLE MAN ON CAMPUS
editorial page
Tuesday, February 14, 1967
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT BURNING THE STUDENT SPECIAL'
JUST GET ME A GALLON OF CATLEP."
What next, my love
By JOHN HILL
"Would you be my valentine?"
"What?"
"Would you be my valentine?"
"You're kidding."
"No. I'm serious . . . uh, would you be my valentine?"
"Your valentine. Does that come between going together and being lavaliered or something?"
"Uh, no, I don't think it comes between anything. Would you be my valentine?"
"Is that the latest thing now, this valentine?"
"Well, no, I don't think so. Would you be my valentine?" "I reason, is someone doing it now?"
"Why are you on a valentine kick all of a sudden?"
"No. I doubt it. Would you be my valentine?"
"I'm not on a kick or anything. I just think it's a very nice custom at this time of year. Would you be my valentine?"
"Are you really serious about this?"
"Yes. Would you be my valentine?"
"No."
At other schools...
THE CREIGHTONIAN, student newspaper of Creighton University at Omaha, Nebri., reports that a discussion group of 200 students has asked that a Rathskeller or "beer bar" should be set up on campus for the benefit of 21-year-old students and that drinking should be allowed at "21 only" student parties.
The group agreed the best solution to problem drinking, was a system by which the student government judged student drinking behavior. We wonder...
AT NEW YORK UNIVERSITY, leaders of the Ad Hoc committee for a Democratic University at New York University plan to boycott the school book store. More than 400 students are expected to picket "to force a more democratic university and to protest the bock store's current policy of operating at a profit," said members of the committee. The group is demanding establishment of a student-owned cooperative bookstore.
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