CARBONDEPOSIT, Mich. (DUPS—Deep Underground Press Service)—Rudolph Ratpacket, a 96-year-old exhaust pipe tester today filed suit against "Uncle Schuttfleisch's Burger Spa" after the fortune cookie embedded in the burger he was eating called him an obscene name. He also charged in his suit that the burger contained too much buffalo grass and too little of the tasty chemicals normally found in the sandwich. Asked if he wanted more meat in the mass-produced burgers, Ratpacket gummed: "Shucks no! I'm a vegetarian!"
STICKYKITCHEN, Ia. (DUPS)—A new student group was formed last week on the Sacrilege University campus. The group calls itself the Hippos. Applicants for membership must weigh at least 350 pounds and they must have visible proof that they have not shaved or bathed during the past 13 months. So far the club has not been able to find a person willing to screen applicants.
GAPINGJOWLS, Poland (DUPS) — More than 1 million people heard Russian jokes in Poland today. 996,000 of the listeners remained silent. The other four died laughing.
DUPS SHORTS—According to the latest fashion grapevine originating in the Left Bank section of Paris, Idaho, women's shoes will no longer be made with shoelaces. The reason? It seems because of the short skirts, girls throughout the nation who ben over to tie their shoes are being arrested for indecent exposure.
CHANCE, Monopoly (DUPS) — Bernard Bluetoken received a computerized chance card today and was ordered, as he put it, to "go directly to jail without passing go and without collecting $200." Bluetoken, owner of such developments as Water Works, Baltimore Avenue and Free Parking, said he had never spent time in jail before. He said he expected to be released as soon as his lawyer presented the authorities with a writ of getoutofjailfreecard. Authorities charged Bluetoken with rolling Henry Doubles three times in a row.
Aprii fools
Javhawk a victim of radioactive mutation Photo by Ron Bishop
Last night the KU Jayhawk flew into the University nuclear reactor. Then: Buzz ... Zap: A 4,000-pound blue and red bird clomped, clomped, clomped out of and onto the building housing the reactor. A victim of nuclear mutation, the 70-foot bird will not be allowed onto the football field next fall. "Man, you oughta see those footprints on the fifty yard line," Harwood Humpdippier, KU groundskeeper, blurred while mopping his forehead.
KU gets big ship
A spokesman from the University of Kansas business office announced yesterday that KU has purchased the ocean liner Queen Elizabeth.
The news of the purchase was released only after much deliberation among KU's financial representatives. The vessel is presently in New York harbor and will be delivered to the Kaw River bridge as soon as is possible, the spokesman said.
cost of not only the purchase, but the trip from New York harbor to the Kansas River. They declined to comment on the total cost of the project but Winton N. Podgorsky, professor of finance, said the total cost of the project would not exceed $50 million.
KU's financial administrators are still concerned about the
The 500,000 ton vessel is being purchased to provide KU students with educational facilities for courses in Ocean Transportation Technology.
Dodo does duty; dissents
RAHRAH PARK, Ore. Police were on the campus of Blechkopf College here today in an effort to force the striking cheerleaders of union local 8 to "return to their posts."
Capt Harvey Bunny, of the police force, called the strike a "disgrace, a sin and against nature."
"Whoever heard of a skeetball journey without flitty dolies
8 KANSAN Mar. 27 1969
jumpin' all over the place," Bunny demanded. "It ain't even natural."
"Rah, rah, rock, sock," Mary Ducktoes, head cheerleader and instigator of the strike, said in reply. Asked why she and her springy cohorts declared the strike, Mary bleated: "Hey, hey, waddayasay . . . strike, strike all the way . . . ooooohhh RAH."
Suddenly, looming in the distance the school's mascot, a student in a dodo bird costume, bounded across campus with the rest of the cheerleading squad in hot pursuit.
"Help, help," the dodo screeched as it bounded past flapping its stubby wings fruitlessly. It was later learned that the Dodo had attempted to break the strike by suiting up and leading the Building and Grounds workers across campus screaming: "Dodo, doo, gogo, gogo, don't do it to the dodo."
"Flip, flap, flip, flop, all you kiddies stand up and hop." Miss Ducktoes said as she flitted and skipped away.
"So's your old man," the dodo barked burying its head in the astroturf.
SPRING BOOK SALE
April 9,10 & 11
kansas union BOOKSTORE
Pick the right day to test drive a Volkswagen and you'll have the road to yourself.
Back when the weather was better, everybody was inviting you to come in and test drive their new whatever.
But now that the weather isn't so hot land a test drive is really a test, the invitations have dropped off sharply.
Now maybe you can spare a little time to try out the new Volkswagen.
Not right this minute. Wait for a nice lousy day. The next time it's snowing or slushing or something like that, drive down to your Volkswagen dealer. (If you can make it in your car.)
He'll be happy to take you out and show you how a Volkswagen works when hardly anything else does.
How the weight of the motor on the rear wheels makes the VW dig in and go, in the snow or the mud, or even on ice.
As you pass all the stranded cars that passed their test drives in balmier days, he'll tell you about the VW's other cold-weather comforts.
The air-cooled motor. It doesn't freeze over, so it doesn't need anti-freeze or a winter thermostat.
And if you have to leave the car out on a cold wet night, it's got four coats of paint and a sealed bottom to keep it cozy.
You've even got an edge with a VW if the worst happens and you get stuck.
What could be easier to push?
JERRY ALLEN MOTORS, Inc.
SALES—SERVICE—PARTS
2522 Iowa
V13-2200
AUTHORIZED
DEALER