SPEAK
FEAR. INTERRUPTED
HOW ONE MAN'S LOVE HELPED UNDO THE DAMAGE OF ANOTHER
MEGAN RUPP
My dad taught me a valuable lesson, one I work to unlearn even today. Men are not loyal, not to be trusted and certainly not loved. He abandoned my mom and me when I was 8. I found the salmon-colored Post-it that read, "I'll be back," on the kitchen counter before my mom woke up. I was left broken, angry and insecure. He'd left countless times throughout their 15-year marriage, but this time felt different. He wasn't just disappearing for a couple weeks with one of his girlfriends. A week later he returned at night, when he knew I'd be asleep. In the golden retriever puppy card he left with my mom, he wrote that he planned to return in a couple days. Tears cascaded down my face as I read the card in my closet the next morning.
Another four months passed before he came back for his things. I wept and pleaded for him to take me with him until he promised to visit at 3 o'clock that Saturday. I had watched him lie for years. I had no reason to believe him, but I did. I waited for six hours on the steps of our redwood porch. I tried convincing myself he'd come because he loved me and I wasn't dispensable. My mom begged me to come inside, but I assured her he would come. He never did. He broke the only promise he had ever made to me and I never saw him again.
To suppress my heartbreak, I focused on my relationship with my mom. She was strong and
always had been. When my dad disappeared, she never cried in my presence. When we couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill, my mom and I played games in the dark. When the city turned our water off, we raced our bikes to the store for gallons with which to bathe. Reminding me that life could be fun again was her way of protecting me. I was blissfully unaware my dad had stolen her life savings when he walked out on us, leaving my mom unable to pay the mortgage. We could have been left homeless, but her best friend allowed us to live on his 50-foot sailboat for a year. Still, I never knew we were poor. Living on the boat with my mom was just one of our adventures.
The man my mom had called her best friend for nearly two decades, had been my dedicated godfather my entire life. My Nino, short for padrino (godfather in Spanish), had spent every Friday night taking me out on a "date" for as long as I could remember. We went bowling, to movies, out to dinner, whatever I wanted. He had his own family, but made time each week to make me feel special and develop our relationship. We grew close over the years, but it wasn't until I was 10 that my mom explained just how we really were.
My mom says after my dad left I withdrew from life. She says I lost my smile, my laugh and every sign of "being a kid." I went to therapy once a week, but she still worried I would never
She and my dad had always wanted children. When they discovered he was sterile, they turned to artificial insemination, but were uncomfortable resorting to an anonymous donor. Who better to turn to than my mom's best friend, my Nino? From a logical standpoint, hearing that I hadn't been abandoned by my "real" father helped, but emotional trauma cannot be numbed my logic. It still hurt. I now had lingering sentiments of betrayal, but trusted that my mom and Nino had done the right thing.
return to the outgoing child I once was. But she had a secret she hoped would help release me from the depressed state. After consulting my therapist, she decided to tell me my dad wasn't my biological father.
Even so, I was unprepared when my mom decided to marry my Nino when I was 13. Two years after my dad left, my Nino and his wife divorced. He started dating my mom after his divorce was finalized. During the four years they dated, I allowed myself to grow even closer to him, despite my instinctive reluctance. I almost remembered what it meant to be a "real" family. But my feelings about my Nino changed upon hearing that he would be marrying my mom. He was now someone who could abandon us again.
Even though I knew I should've trusted him, on their wedding day, I felt like I saw my mom falling into a trap. Before people arrived. I
realized I had left my pale blue, satin heels that perfectly matched my dress at home. I saw it as an opportunity to prevent what I feared most from happening. All rationale aside, I threw a fit like an infant begging for a pacifier. Laurel, my childhood babysitter, dragged me into the other room, looked me dead in the eye and said, "Please tell me you're not really this selfish. Can't you let her be happy, just for today?"
I looked down the hall to see my mom getting ready as if nothing had happened. I saw pain in her eyes, despite her storic expression. Then she hurried into the bathroom and shut the door. The sound of her hidden whimper hurt in new a way. Suddenly, I became the cause of her pain. Embarrassment and contition flooded my being. I slipped on the black, platform sandals I had worn earlier, walked over to her and held her without speaking. The embrace we shared said enough. Though she wanted my support, she would be married either way and I had to accept it. But to accept him, I had to let go of the past.
Before the ceremony ended, my Nino reached for my hand and showed another ring. A dome of diamond-covered platinum topped the gold band. For a moment, I stood shuddering. I winced at a timorous reflection I caught of myself in a mirror across the room. Covered by shadow, I appeared cold and unforgiving. I detested the detached person I had made excuses for myself to become. Thoughts flooded my mind, drowning out all outside noise until his tender voice pierced the chaos.
"Megan, today I promise my love and commitment to your mother. I promise to care for her and protect her for the rest of my life. In that promise, I vow myself to you as much as I do her. I will never leave you, never lie to you and no matter what you do, I will always love you."
His tone was melodic and sincere. I secretly questioned his seemingly unconditional acceptance of me. I both resisted and craved his willingness to care and his gift of affection. His tough hands softened as he gently slid the band on mine. Knowing my apprehension, he attempted to ease my anxiety with his promise.
My ambiguity turned to relief. I hadn't yet let him into my heart completely, but I felt comfortable knowing that my mom and I were safe. I knew he loved us; now I needed to learn to love him. I remembered John 14:1 and repeated it to myself throughout the evening. Do not let your heart be troubled. I didn't want to feel resentful or suspicious anymore. I coveted the joviality I saw in everyone else. I needed to know everything would be fine.
The day two best friends married to become my parents, they taught me a new lesson: sometimes you have to let your guard down and take the risk of trusting again. That same day the man I now call my father made me a promise, one he has yet to break. He gave me more than a ring; he gave me a key that began to unlock the door that protected my heart. He helped set me off on my path of self-healing. I no longer hide from the mess my dad made of me. I'm learning to own it.
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The seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows premiered this morning at 12 a.m. at the Hollywood Theaters — South Wind 12 on Iowa Street. Many Potter fans showed their support by dressing up as their favorite wizard or witch.
Howard Ting/KANSAN
ADMINISTRATION
Regents assess University's proposals
BY ANGELLIQUE
MCNAUGHTON
amcnaughton.kansan.com
The following is a list of some of the issues and proposals that Regents reviewed and their effects on students and the University.
The Kansas Board of Regents met Thursday in Topeka with higher education officials from state universities.
Much of the meeting was devoted to discussing issues pertaining to the University of Kansas and Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little addressed Regents on four separate occasions.
Approved:
T h e
University's
request for
The University's increases were
Diana Robertson, director of student housing, said she based her proposals off estimated increases for the following year.
This year's increase proposals are lower than they were last year because of the deactivation of student phone lines in student rooms from the summer. That saved the University about $500,000.
a Master of Arts and doctorate program in Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies was approved. Refer to Stephen Montemayor's article for more information regarding the program.
"If you can't track where a dollar comes from and where it goes, then you don't have a good system."
two-person room raising the rate
from $3,642 to $3,700.
Regents reviewed the Department of Student Housing's proposal for a 1.6 percent increase in housing fees. The increase in fees is not uncommon and occurs annually to offset the increases in the cost of living.
A 1.6 percent increase translates to about $58 more for a traditional
GARY SHERRER
chairman, Board of Regents
Reviewed:
Regents received the University's report on the Jayhawk Generations Scholarship Program and
approved the request to make the pilot program permanent. For more information regarding the tuition and fee waiver program refer to Stephen Gray's article.
the lowest proposed from the state universities.
Approved:
Gray Little and Provost Jeffrey Vitter updated Regents on the external audit recently ordered for the School of Business. The accounting firm BKD LLC performed the audit and stated in its report that of the $30 million raised since 2004 from course fees, 99.8 percent of the funds were spent appropriately.
Updated:
Although Regents acknowl.
"If you can't track where a dollar comes from and where it goes, then you don't have a good system," Sherrer said.
The search is currently underway for a new dean for the school and the fourth candidate to visit campus was here this week.
edged that many of the financial issues occurred before Gray-Little and Vitter, Regent Chairman Gary Sherrer and Regent Tim Emert were dissatisfied with, of all schools, a business school's mishandling of student funds.
Vitter and Gray-Little said they now know funds weren't accounted for and that the student advisory board should not have been disposed back in 2006. Both Gray-Little and Vitter said they are looking to move forward.
we
Sherrer said that kind of miscommunication sends a bad message to students.
New scholarship program approved
Gray-Little said she has been working with Jeff Severin, director for the Center for Sustainability, and student leaders to further develop strategies to reduce waste on campus and within the community.
In January, the University will join Kansas State University in a sustainability competition that will last until June.
The University has more than 230 sustainability related-courses and various avenues are taken on campus to increase the University's efforts.
Students with family ties to KU can apply for tuition discounts now that the program is in place
Edited by Alex Tretbar
This year, the University's website for energy-related issues was updated to highlight sustainable efforts in education, research, operations and campus life.
Along with other state universities, Gray-Little presented to Regents the University's annual sustainability report.
Reported:
Department adds doctoral program
The University now offers a Ph.D. in women, gender and sexuality studies.
READ MORE ON 3A
meant to help inform students
Brian Bishop, senior discus thrower, is one of a long line of KU track and field athletes.
The website cost $3,500 to redesign and took 10 weeks. Michael Wade Smith commissioned the task force that put the website together. Senate hopes to allow students to more easily see what it is doing around campus.
Discus legacy is all in the family
INDEX
Also, a preview of the game — Jayhawks take on the Oklahoma State Cowboys.
INSIDE
Classifieds ...2B
Crossword...4A
Cryptoquips...4A
Opinion ...5A
Sports ...1B
Sudoku ...4A
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