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this wasn't a sexually satisfying encounter for Mark, he was contributing to the husband's voyeuristic fetish.
His third and final trip was more adventurous. After giving oral sex to a woman, he "ended up having intercourse with her while she was eating out another girl and her fiance was getting that girl from behind."
Although he enjoyed his experiences at Club Erotica KC, Mark says he doesn't plan on returning anytime soon because his current girlfriend wouldn't be willing to go with him. Mark can accept that because she is still willing to explore her sexuality at home.
Though going to a nudist, exhibitionist, voyeuristic swinger's club might sound "far out" for some, the owner says about 50 percent of his patrons are college-aged. The man known as Poker opened the establishment in 2000 to promote sexual exploration and open sensuality in a "comfortable, house party" setting.
"I give people a place to explore their fetishes because a lot of times these things have become so taboo that they can't be talked about," Poker says. "People have the wrong idea about swingers. It's all about enriching couples' relationships with each other and finding people you can share with."
Before having to pay the entry fee, Poker gives visitors a tour of the house, during "party hours", so they can decide if they are interested in staying to try things that may or may not be
new to them. He says people sometimes choose to leave immediately, but those who choose to stay even if they're nervous, generally end up coming back.
WHEN FETISHES GO WRONG
Given Mark's need for adventure, there is no room for sexual close-mindedness in his romantic relationships. In fact, a past girlfriend's inability to explore ended their relationship.
"She was so hesitant to try anything new that it became a deal breaker," Mark says. "It was just tough to overcome that."
Sexologist Carol Queen says fetishes can cause relationship problems for couples for two major reasons: the person cares more about satisfying their fetish than intimacy with their partner or one of the people has a fetish that the other just can't handle.
"Sometimes it's 'I can't go there with you and sometimes it's 'I can't stand it that you go there,' " Queen says. She says some people have secret fetish lives — choosing never to disclose a fetish to a partner, but satisfying it independently — so meeting halfway is often enough to save a relationship, yet few reach that level of compromise.
When someone decides to explore their partner's sexual fetish, but rarely has their own needs met, the relationship is likely to end. Queen says people sometimes feel like they
play a production assistant role in satisfying a fetish, rather than a lover to the person with the fetish.
Dr. Sandra Scantling, a sex and intimacy therapist, gave an example of how this can become a problem by describing a teddy bear fetish. The fetishes she sees most involve inanimate objects. In this case, a woman must have a teddy bear present in order to reach climax. She says in most cases fetishes are accepted, but "when things start to get crowded in the bedroom" couples will begin to resent the fetish. She says that as long as no one is hurt and both parties are willing participants, the relationship will probably not suffer from the
existence of a fetish alone.
Dossie Easton, author and sex expert, says avoiding the negative side of fetishes is as easy as saying "no." She says that if your partner's fetish actively distresses you, you can choose not to participate, and if you and your partner have an open relationship, either of you can find satisfaction elsewhere.
"Most of the problems caused by fetishes devolve from forbidding or pathologizing them," Easton says. "I think most everyone can enjoy some ornamentation in their sex life. I agree with Kinsey when he states that the only unnatural act is one which cannot be performed."
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