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FEATURE
Feline fantasy: Though the word "fetish" may scare some people away, in today's society it is more commonly used to describe a sexual preference, not just a freaky act.
HOW COUPLES DEAL WITH FETISHES WORDS BY | MEGAN RUPP
What's in a name? Apparently, a lot. Fetish. The word can ignite distinct mental images. Handcuffs. Leather. Golden Showers. Spankings. Whips. Nurse costumes. Basically what a fetish boils down to, right? Wrong. A sexual fetish can be a lot of different things. You need an alarm clock to go off to have an orgasm? That would be a fetish. You're only attracted to obese, blonde men? That might be one too. You can't be sexually aroused by someone who is not clean-shaven in his or her pubic area? You probably have a fetish.
have a fetish.
A fetish can be both a sexual need and a sexual want. It's hard to get experts to agree on what a fetish actually is, but they do agree that the negative social connotation associated with it has made it into a taboo. Dossie Easton, author of When Someone You Love is Kinky, says she defines a fetish as a sexual delight that someone believes is sick, wrong or too far out.
someone believes is sick, Mark.
For Mark, a graduate student from Orlando, Fla., it seems very little is too far out. He claims to have a fetish for "trying new things." He says he doesn't need any particular thing to happen on a regular basis, but he does need to
constantly explore new sexual ventures. Often, his girlfriends have been willing to explore with him, but that's not always the case.
Communicating openly about one's desires is not something a lot of couples are able to do, but for those who are, experts say they will have a much more gratifying and intimate sexual relationship.
"I had never done anything like that, but I've always wanted to," Mark says. "We just kind of went with it, but we talked about it afterwards."
"I go in knowing the parameters and the limits, but I'm always willing to test them." Mark says. He is currently in a relationship in which his girlfriend is also willing to try new things. His first comment about his fetish was that over the weekend he had given his girlfriend a "rim job" for the first time. The act involves oral stimulation to the anus of the recipient.
could because he had big feelings.
Mark says communication about his fetish for exploring new practices has been key in his past, as well as current, relationships. Experts agree that discussing fetishes openly, regardless of how intimidating it may seem, is well worth the pay off.
Mark says he had been thinking about trying something new to switch things up. He hadn't planned it ahead of time, but when she mentioned that she needed to use the restroom, he suggested she do it on him. People who experience sexual pleasure from golden showers either enjoy urinating on someone else or being urinated on by their partner.
Sexual adventure doesn't always come so naturally to Mark as his rim job experience did. In some relationships, he says he and his
HAVING "THE TALK"
partner talk about what they are going to try beforehand. This was the case when he and a past girlfriend decided to give golden showers a try.
or being unlamed on by the.
"She was hesitant at first, but she said 'alright,
I'll give it a try.' Mark says. 'It felt pretty good,
but she wanted me to return the favor and I
couldn't because I had stage fright."
Having the courage to sit down and discuss your fetish and what it does for you can be healing, says Carol Queen, sexologist and
columnist for Good Vibrations Magazine. She says some people are nervous to even mention a fetish to their partner because they feel it's bizarre, have been made to feel embarrassed by it in the past or have had a former partner react negatively to experimenting with them.
"With some couples, it can be very healing to have your partner explain how their fetish tends to manifest importance in their sexuality because in itself, the conversation is an intimacy building exercise," Queen says.
She says college students today, unlike past generations, are generally open to exploring their sexuality and are much more willing to understand that not everyone is the same sexually. She says this alone should vest young people with more confidence in talking about fetishes openly.
Still, she acknowledges that many people feel ashamed about fetishes they have and are inclined to keep them secret. Queen says it's never too early to talk about sexual desires.
This is a hurdle Mike, a 2010 graduate from Leawood, says he has not been able to overcome. He has yet to have a relationship last longer than two or three months, and says he hasn't felt he has ever reached a level of intimacy in which he felt comfortable talking about some of his sexual fantasies.
Despite his passive personality, he says he tends to like intelligent, driven girls who are willing to dominate the relationship. He hasn't dared try it yet, but says he would like to try a toned-down version of S&M one day.
"I've always envisioned that I would enjoy the submissive end," Mike says. "It's not something I've ever done, but I think I would like to try domination and humiliation type of stuff." He says he would be interested in using handcuffs with someone he feels comfortable with, but hasn't had the opportunity to venture that far in his past short-term relationships.
Talking about sexual fantasies might require a couple to reach a certain level of intimacy, but it may also be a way to combat mundanity for long-term couples. Mike Anderson, a doctoral student in communications who studies healthy communication in romantic relationships, says it's important for couples to explore fantasies in order to avoid coming to a sexual stalemate.
"People who communicate their sexual likes and dislikes have better sexual satisfaction, which is related to better relationship satisfaction," Anderson says. "Exposing a sexual fetish allows us to reap the benefits of knowing about our partner's sexual likes and